Deteriorating Relationship with DS1 - WWYD?

[ThreeofUs]

Nationally recognized child expert aside you know the holding it together outside of home and loosing it at the end of the day in the safety of a parent is normal right? In fact, it usually leans towards one parent more than the other. Kids can't hold it together 24/7 as much as they might try (heck, most adults don't either) and they fall apart in an emotionally immature way at the end of the day.

LOL, I would feel a LOT better if it were just as you describe!

This behavior, though, happens all the time. On the weekends, in the mornings, etc. Although he may not realize the emotional impact of what he's doing, he's very cutting in ways you'd expect from a 16 year old.

We keep telling him (and telling him) that there are behavioral rules, that his behavior is inappropriate, and that he can't be with us if he behaves in these ways (and so has to stay in his room). We explain what he's doing, using personal stories and child-specific examples, but it is not taking.

*sigh* Even taking it one day at a time isn't helping me. I think I need help from someone just for me, as pp's have suggested.

[cuca_]

Nationally recognized child expert aside you know the holding it together outside of home and loosing it at the end of the day in the safety of a parent is normal right? In fact, it usually leans towards one parent more than the other. Kids can't hold it together 24/7 as much as they might try (heck, most adults don't either) and they fall apart in an emotionally immature way at the end of the day. He won't be like this when he's 42. I don't parents my kids today in fear that an age expected behavior at 2 will be some horrible personality dysfunction at 32.

A big to this. ETA, sorry I just saw your response above, so disregard!

Also, IME, adjusting my expectations helps a lot. I find myself having hight expectations of what I think my kids should behave/be like, and sometimes I find that my expectations are beyond their abilities. I found myself in a similar situation recently with DD1. I was constantly frustrated and/or embarrassed by her behavior with/towards me. There were other issues involved -- she has ADHD and is on meds-- but even after dealing with the medical issues, we were relating to each other in a very confrontational manner. I recently reread a book that someone here recommended about her condition, and it really helped readjust my expectations, which in turn led to less confrontation and helped our relationship turn for the better.

Also, I agree with what others have said about 1 on 1 time. DD1 really craves this, more so than her other siblings, and it really helps a lot when we are able to provide it. In her case, she enjoys snuggling and reading with one parent, but it is the one on one special activities that she really craves.

As others have said, I think relationships go through phases, and you are obviously aware of it and willing to work on it, so you will get through this.

[bubbaray]

This behavior, though, happens all the time. On the weekends, in the mornings, etc. Although he may not realize the emotional impact of what he's doing, he's very cutting in ways you'd expect from a 16 year old.

But you said he is well-behaved when not around you, right? This is completely normal (so I'm told). It shows strong attachment to you (yeah you -- trust me, I've rolled my eyeballs at that soooo many times).

My DD#1 is like you describe most of the time around me.

[sste]

ThreeofUs (and others with spirited kids),

I just wanted to add that it is very impressive that you are parenting with love and dedication despite the lack of reciprocity and positive feedback. Parenting is HARD. My much younger child is uncannily good at reinforcing my behavior with compliments and affection galore - - and I still find maintaining the relationship through its ups and downs to be hard work. I mean there is a reason babies and kids are so cute - - evolutionarily, it is so we don't chuck them!! The fact that you are dealing with difficult, even miserable behavior and are still IN THE GAME speaks volumes of your parenting and character.

[DrSally]

[QUOTE=sste;3081896]ThreeofUs (and others with spirited kids),

I just wanted to add that it is very impressive that you are parenting with love and dedication despite the lack of reciprocity and positive feedback. QUOTE]

Totally agree with this!

[gatorsmom]

I mean there is a reason babies and kids are so cute - - evolutionarily, it is so we don't chuck them!!

I've said this a million times. And Cha Cha is living proof of this. He has chubby cheeks, a dimpled smile, and a cute little boy voice. And it has saved his mischievous, sneaky little butt many a time.

[ThreeofUs]

It shows strong attachment to you (yeah you -- trust me, I've rolled my eyeballs at that soooo many times).

LOL. Thank you. That does make me feel better.

I mean there is a reason babies and kids are so cute - - evolutionarily, it is so we don't chuck them!! The fact that you are dealing with difficult, even miserable behavior and are still IN THE GAME speaks volumes of your parenting and character.

And thank you very much for this, too.

I've often thought it's a good thing I know he's mine and that he's so dang cute! The trouble he causes me (including his Jackson Pollock episode in the dining room, lol!) makes me wonder why I come back for more.