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  1. #1
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    Default Deteriorating Relationship with DS1 - WWYD?

    My DS1, H, is extremely bright and spirited, and is one of those kids Dr. Sears calls "high need". On the "How to Raise Your Spirited Child" book checklist, he's up there near the top.

    I have read the books and taken professional advice on how to raise him, but I'm at the point where I'm starting to resent the way he's making me feel. I've just HAD it. He's only 6, but nothing I can do is right, he doesn't want to be around me, he only wants his father, who is not a disciplinarian.

    So I'm drawing away from him, I can feel it and I'm sure he can, too.

    Today, though, he was disrespectful and rude enough to me - twice, as if once wasn't enough - that I blew at him once and at DH twice. This is not regular behavior for me, and I'm not very happy with myself, but I did manage to keep a civil tongue in my head even as I described exactly what I saw that was wrong.

    I think he's angry at all the time I have to give to DS2, who's 2. I know he doesn't like it that I make him toe the line with behavior.

    But we used to have a good relationship. We used to have love between us, and I feel just bereft that this seems to be going away.

    Any suggestions? And please, be gentle with me. I am trying very very hard, with a difficult child, and am really cut up about what's going on. This is also having a negative effect on my relationship with DH.

    Family therapy?
    Last edited by ThreeofUs; 03-21-2011 at 12:01 AM.
    -Ivy

    Parenting two active, wonderful boys

    This is your world. Shape it or someone else will. -Gary Lew

  2. #2
    bubbaray's Avatar
    bubbaray is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Oh mama, I have so BTDT. And gotten great support (and some complete flames) here too. In my situation, part of the solution was time (ie., DD#1 outgrowing the difficult 5/6 age). Part is making an effort for 1:1 time (I found that super hard -- WOTH FT, crazy hectic schedule on weekends for both kids, etc -- but if I make that effort, huge HUGE returns).

    The 1:1 time d/n have to be doing anything special necessarily. Today, DD#1 skiied all day at Whistler with DH. She (and he!) came home VERY tired and VERY grumpy. I ended up sitting on the floor of the laundry room holding/rocking her and telling her about how I used to bring her into the laundry room when she was a baby to get her to sleep. It was 10-15 min I spent with her and her entire mood changed. 2 years ago, I didn't even want to be in the same room as her our relationship was so charged.

    Another big thing for both my girls is food. They don't eat well/enough and often I can literally see their mood go downhill in about 30 seconds just because they are hungry. I try to carry snacks and change my plans if I have to on the weekends to make sure they get lunch and snacks somewhat on the same schedule as they do during the schoolweek.

    HTH &
    Melissa

    DD#1: April 2004
    DD#2: January 2007

    "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." Jack Layton 1950 - 2011

  3. #3
    twowhat? is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    No answer, just hugs.

    I can understand how it affects even your relationship with your DH (I've also seen a deterioration of my relationship with DH due to the stress of parenting toddlers). I can only imagine that having a "high-spirited" child is very, very difficult. If you seek counseling, it would make sense to me that you don't have to include your DS - you can't change the fact that he's a spirited child (esp as you say you're already following professional advice on how to raise him), but you CAN change how you and DH react and deal with the situation. So - I could see how therapy just for yourself, or for yourself and DH would be helpful. Good luck! Sounds like no fun at all

  4. #4
    salsah is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    thank you for posting. i'm glad that you are seeking help. my dd1 sounds like your ds1. i have been afraid to post asking for help because i don't think that people who haven't dealt with this kind of personality in a child can appreciate how difficult it is. i've been afraid of being flamed for saying that on most days, i just don't feel like i love my dd1. being around her is draining, she brings me down, and brings out the worst in me. so although i don't have any advice, i understand what you are going through.
    Last edited by salsah; 03-21-2011 at 12:52 AM.

  5. #5
    salsah is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by bubbaray View Post
    Oh mama, I have so BTDT. And gotten great support (and some complete flames) here too. In my situation, part of the solution was time (ie., DD#1 outgrowing the difficult 5/6 age). Part is making an effort for 1:1 time (I found that super hard -- WOTH FT, crazy hectic schedule on weekends for both kids, etc -- but if I make that effort, huge HUGE returns).

    The 1:1 time d/n have to be doing anything special necessarily. Today, DD#1 skiied all day at Whistler with DH. She (and he!) came home VERY tired and VERY grumpy. I ended up sitting on the floor of the laundry room holding/rocking her and telling her about how I used to bring her into the laundry room when she was a baby to get her to sleep. It was 10-15 min I spent with her and her entire mood changed. 2 years ago, I didn't even want to be in the same room as her our relationship was so charged.

    Another big thing for both my girls is food. They don't eat well/enough and often I can literally see their mood go downhill in about 30 seconds just because they are hungry. I try to carry snacks and change my plans if I have to on the weekends to make sure they get lunch and snacks somewhat on the same schedule as they do during the schoolweek.

    HTH &
    great advice melissa! i have noticed that dd1 is much more bearable when we spend time together alone, just the two of us.
    Last edited by salsah; 03-21-2011 at 12:51 AM.

  6. #6
    Tondi G is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    therapy for you and DH so you can work together in raising your child. Your DH has to be on the same page with you as far as discipline goes. He HAS to back you up. While your child can prefer his Dad he HAS to respect you.... and your DH needs to stand up and remind your DS that you are his mommy.... you deserve his love and respect. You need to remind your DS that he was a baby too once. He needed the same amount of attention that his little brother is getting now. It won't be long before your little guy is older and won't need the same level of attention. Can you make plans to find a little time to do some things one on one with DS1? Go to a movie together... or a trip to a museum... or even a trip to Mc Donald's or an ice cream shop to enjoy a treat together. Even if there is a way for your DH to take your little guy and entertain him for a bit while you sit and focus on DS1 and his homework... or play a board game or take a walk and talk a little.

    HUGS it's hard splitting time between kids. It's difficult when they get older and are testing their boundaries and especially when you are not a united force with your DH. Just keep showing him love and letting him know he is important to you. My DS1 is almost 10 and BOY is he testing these days.... pre-teen thing is coming along ... All the kids in his class are doing it. It can be very frustrating. We have good days and bad days. I can see how our relationship is changing ... makes me kinda sad sometimes.. but things change as they get older.

  7. #7
    sste is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Threeofus, so often I see parents on this site expecting themselves to be insta-nutritionists, pedis, child psychologists, etc and berating themselves for not being able to solve x or y "parenting" problem. I am so glad you aren't falling into that trap. Keep on searching for that right professional person to guide you and help you and your DH get on the same page - - it may take a therapist or two.

    Also, I have had similar waxing and waning with my less difficult son. I remind myself all the time to play to MY strengths. So, part of the reason I run my DS all over creation is that I do alot better with him when we are in a structured class or activity or at a museum or water park. Really any place that is not our house, not a place where I have to multi-task or cook, and not smashing his toy trucks together again and again and freaking again in our livingroom. Not sure what your best activity/setting is but think about it and play to that.

    Good luck.
    ds 2007
    dd 2010
    baby dd 2014

  8. #8
    California is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    We really liked the Redirecting Children's Behavior course (really redirecting parents' behavior) that we attended. It wasn't cheap but it was well worth it!

    One thing I remember our instructor saying is that if your at the point that you don't even want to be around your kid, stop trying to discipline for a little while and focus on rebuilding the relationship. That does mean one on one time. I can't remember if she said it, or it was in the book, but just 15 minutes of devoted playtime-- no distractions-- is a good place to start. Yet a lot of people struggled with it. With my own kid, I liked being around him but I was concerned about his anxiety. I started a routine where he sits in my lap at night and we sing finger play songs, kiss boo boos and talk about any hurt feelings, then he talks about what ever he likes, and we snuggle. This is in addition to stories which are shared with his siblings. It really seemed to relax him.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by salsah View Post
    thank you for posting. i'm glad that you are seeking help. my dd1 sounds like your ds1. i have been afraid to post asking for help because i don't think that people who haven't dealt with this kind of personality in a child can appreciate how difficult it is. i've been afraid of being flamed for saying that on most days, i just don't feel like i love my dd1. being around her is draining, she brings me down, and brings out the worst in me. so although i don't have any advice, i understand what you are going through.
    I only now understand what it is like to have a true high needs child, after having DD2. I had *no idea*....I really didn't, every single move of the day can be a challenge. Yesterday Dd is on top of me (as I was trying to lay by Dh-Inever get 2 di that either) and she is SCREAMING "I'm hungry & want waffles now!". Every attempt to hild her off or re-direct=failed. That is every single minute of the day-similaR issues. DD1 was NOT that way, so I'm just getting my new collection of parenting tools together now. It's hard, I love her SO much but she can wear on the nerves easily and I can feel disconnected b/c she is so intense.

    I may not be much help (sorry) but u are not alone and there are strength in numbers! It will get better. FWIW, my DD2 is all about Daddy now too and my DH is **not** a disciplinarian, I am...this seems to draw them into that parent, it's a toughie for me b/c I really need him on the same page as me with this one.

    Keep plugging at those baby steps - as your littler one grows and needs less of your time, the older sibling will lose some of the underlying jealosy too-which will make things better.

    {{hugs}}
    Bodyboarding, music loving, clothing upcycler Mom to adult kid1, elementary kid2

  10. #10
    egoldber's Avatar
    egoldber is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    I agree about the 1 on 1 time. It is soooo hard, but making that time is really important. For my older DD, that time is at bedtime. She needs that quiet 1 on 1 space to talk with me.

    You say you have sought professional advice, but is he (or anyone) actually seeing a therapist regularly? It sounds like you (the family, you) may be at that point where you need that 1 on 1 space with a professional to develop a parenting plan to stick with and where DS has a safe place to talk about what his concerns are.

    It is so hard when despite doing all the "right" parenting things, you and your child continue to struggle. We had to make some decisions over the last week about older DD that have been really, really hard for me. It's been pretty hard for me to admit that my "best" isn't enough for her.

    And like sste says, we are all just wayyyyyy too hard on ourselves. Get the help you need and try not to feel bad about it.
    Beth, mom to older DD (8/01) and younger DD (10/06) and always missing Leah (4/22 - 5/1/05)

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