Who's first -kids or hubby

[sste]

Well, intellectually I think I should put my marriage first but in practice I put my kids first. And that is exactly what my DH wants me to do - - if it makes any sense we have more or less a tacit agreement that I will put the kids first and he will put his job first (not first in his heart but so far his job has called the tune for daily and family life).

Our kids are vulnerable and childhood is a brief, and if my efforts can help secure it, lovely season.

It has been somewhat jarring though in my recent talks with my new fertility/birth loss therapist to realize that one significant piece of my wanting a third child is that I want to extend the years there are kids in the house. I will feel so lonely when the kids are gone and DH is still no doubt working such long hours. In most ways I have a wonderful marriage and we have a boatload of passion for each other . . . and that actually makes it harder to spend so much time apart.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Well, I think the marriage needs to come first. However, that being said, young kids are very needy and a good spouse should be able to recognize this and to put their own needs aside for the "common good". DH and I look forward to being able to do the things we did in our DINK days again, but a lot of it is just not feasible right now. But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That was very well said and true for us as well.

Beth

[Giantbear]

Speaking as a DH, there is no simple answer. Our DD is 12 months, so right now, she comes first 90% of the time. As she gets older that % will drop as children need to learn that it can not be 100% about them. I think if your children come first 100% of the time, you are setting yourself up for a failed marriage. Life is about balance and about understanding the needs of the moment.

[maestramommy]

I know a lot of marriage experts say the marriage comes first, but is it really that clear cut 100% of the time? And what does that look like? I imagine it differs from family to family. I mean, sometimes the kids come first (esp. in the immediate), sometimes "we" come first, sometimes Dh comes first, sometimes I come first.

[Jo..]

My kids come first.

When the kids are 18, then he can come first.

[niccig]

It depends. Sometimes it's DS, sometimes it's our marriage. When DS was younger, yes it was a lot more about his needs. We did make sure we went on date nights. Now, that he's older, there is more us time. But with me back in school, there's getting to be less us time. DH understands, but I do need to find a way to get more balance evenings.

We're going away for a week and DS will be with MIL. I honestly do not need to go. But DH needs it and "us" probably needs it.

[Moneypenny]

I guess I don't think of it in terms of putting somebody first (which, to me, implies you are putting somebody else last and that doesn't seem entirely accurate). We strive as a family to do what is best for our family. Sometimes that means one person has to wait for what they want while someone else is being attended to, but I don't really consider that putting somebody ahead of somebody else in terms of importance.

I don't know how to explain it, but I think of it more in terms of taking turns. DH and I may have to give up leisurely Saturday mornings due to DD's activities, but she also has to give up being able to go to the movies some night if DH and I have dinner plans and she's staying home with a sitter.

[m448]

No offense to the OP but I'm always a bit confused regarding this question. Do parents of more than one child get asked which kid comes first? We are a family, sometimes someone's needs are more immediate than another person's and it rotates. The most important lesson DH and I have learned in our time together as parents is that if we want to have time to nurture our relationship then we pull up our boostraps, roll up our sleeves and get the day to day done together - faster.

You know the saying sex starts in the kitchen? I believe that a good marriage starts in the mop bucket/dirty diaper changing/lawn mowing/etc. but done together. Because I cannot fathom having any sort of positive feelings for someone who hangs back, arms crossed impatiently wondering why they aren't coming first.

[twowhat?]

My kids come first.

When the kids are 18, then he can come first.

Haha, DH and I sort of subscribe to this notion. Right now, the girls absolutely come first. But, we both do recognize that a successful marriage depends on nurturing the relationship. We both also realize that as the girls get older, we will better be able to nurture our own relationship. And that we can stick it out during the times that we simply don't have time for each other.

Having said that, DH and I used an ENTIRE week of our vacation time last month to stay at home while sending the girls to daycare, doing mostly busywork/housework/yardwork, but getting to TALK AND EAT TOGETHER. Neither of us felt the least bit guilty about doing it and that bit of nurturing tides us over until the next time we get to do it.

[Pyrodjm]

No offense to the OP but I'm always a bit confused regarding this question. Do parents of more than one child get asked which kid comes first? We are a family, sometimes someone's needs are more immediate than another person's and it rotates. The most important lesson DH and I have learned in our time together as parents is that if we want to have time to nurture our relationship then we pull up our boostraps, roll up our sleeves and get the day to day done together - faster.

You know the saying sex starts in the kitchen? I believe that a good marriage starts in the mop bucket/dirty diaper changing/lawn mowing/etc. but done together. Because I cannot fathom having any sort of positive feelings to someone who hangs back, arms crossed impatiently wondering why they aren't coming first.

I always answer this with "WE put the kids first." They are the product of our marriage, a responsibility we chose to take on and caring for them is our priority. They are needy when they are young, we've accepted this. It also depends on what we are talking about. I won't leave DH stranded to avoid waking a child from a nap, but I'm not gonna leave a sick child to go on a date either, KWIM?