Who's first -kids or hubby

[DietCokeLover]

My belief is that my relationship with DH should come first. However, that being said, it does not always play out that way. My kids needs are so visible at this age, whereas DH's are not always. My DC are also much more vocal about their needs right now.
But, I know that it is crucial for my dc to see DH and I valuing each other, respecting each other, and caring for each other. I think this helps them to feel safe and secure knowing that mommy and daddy are good, have each other's back and are on the same page.

[Kindra178]

I always said I would put dh first but I am not sure what that even means. I have always done 99.9999 percent of the cooking, but my dh has always served himself. He generally has always made his own sandwiches and poured his own drinks (he's a grown man, for heaven's sake). I think it would be bizarre to make his sandwich while the three little ones are waiting to eat. I do all the grocery shopping too, and I do buy his favorite things.

[Clarity]

My kids come first.

When the kids are 18, then he can come first.

[happymom]

I am confused by the question. What would it mean to put DH first? In what scenario? I think its obvious that if DH and the kids are hungry, or hot, or tired (as Melaine said) the kids get taken care of first. I mean, the kids cant take care of themselves, but DH can. So, is this a more general, broader question? Am I missing something?

[mommylamb]

No offense to the OP but I'm always a bit confused regarding this question. Do parents of more than one child get asked which kid comes first? We are a family, sometimes someone's needs are more immediate than another person's and it rotates.

And sometimes, I put me first and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

[ha98ed14]

Definitely the kids first. I can't imagine nurturing a marriage. Its just not on my radar.

Then why stay married? I'm not being snarky; I'm sincerely asking.

I can totally relate because I don't do a lot of "marriage nurture" either, and when DH asks for emotional connection/ reassurance, I always feel like "What? You too?" just because DD is *SO* needy and it takes all my emotional energy to give to her all. day. long. And it feels like it is never enough for her! I don't know if all kids are like that, or just mine, but it is like their little love cup can never be filled enough to satiate them.

DH and I have not had time alone together without DH in probably 4-5 months. We hang out at night after DD goes to bed, but don't necessarily talk the whole time. We read or watch TV sometimes. It's not hostile at all. We just both need time to our own thoughts, but we take it in the same room together. I don't know if that counts as time spent together or not. But the uncomfortable part comes when I realize I have nothing to say to DH that doesn't concern DD (or politics). But I always feel a cringe when I feel this way, like it's bad not to have much to say. I'm hoping it changes as I do more with myself outside of being with DD 24-7. I stay in the marriage because I really do wish it was different; I just have not figured out how to make it so.

[Green_Tea]

I don't necessarily put DH before the kids, but I do put our marriage first. In the past this has meant missing a school performance for one of our DD's because DH and I already had made plans to go away for our anniversary. It means that sometimes the kids have to stay with a sitter when they would rather be with us, because we have made plans to go to dinner or do something else together.

I can't say that I think any one person in our family should consistently be "first" because everyone's needs evolve and change. Sometimes *I* need to be first, and everyone else needs to just deal. Sometimes it's one of the kids, or DH. But the overall pecking order (even though it might not be evident every day) is #1 - marriage; #2 - kids.

[niccig]

But the uncomfortable part comes when I realize I have nothing to say to DH that doesn't concern DD (or politics). But I always feel a cringe when I feel this way, like it's bad not to have much to say. I'm hoping it changes as I do more with myself outside of being with DD 24-7.

I'm getting better with this, and part of it has been cultivating my interests that don't revolve around DS or the house.

A friend was in a play "Expressing Motherhood" where mothers get up and talk about an experience/their thoughts on being mothers. A man got up and talked about his mother. While, it was all very nice, I kind of wished I was somewhere else on my girls night out. I tried to explain to DH, who didn't get it. Being a mother is very important, my most important job, but I don't want to hear about it ALL the time. A couple of years ago I would have been very excited about that play - I think the difference is that I'm now cultivating a role that isn't related to me being a mother.

[wellyes]

DH and I are partners, and the kids are our dependents. That's such a huge difference. So I guess I'd say kids first, because they didn't chose me. I am responsible for them in a way that I'm just not for DH. And unlike DH, they can't snap me out of it if I'm being neglectful or selfish in my relationship.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Well, I think the marriage needs to come first. However, that being said, young kids are very needy and a good spouse should be able to recognize this and to put their own needs aside for the "common good". DH and I look forward to being able to do the things we did in our DINK days again, but a lot of it is just not feasible right now. But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This exactly..so well said.