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  1. #1
    lil_acorn is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Default Who's first -kids or hubby

    What do you think? There are different thoughts about what makes a successful marriage. Do you put the kids first or your spouse first?

    Honestly, I confess that I put the kids first (but I have young kids ranging from 5 months to 7 years), but could see why it's important to put your hubby first. In this way, your kids get positive role models to emulate for their future and when the kids are long gone or grown enough that they'd rather spend time with their friends than parents :-), you still need to be able to enjoy each other with an empty nest.

    My DH still do date night ~1/month and have lunch together often.
    Last edited by lil_acorn; 06-10-2011 at 02:47 PM.

  2. #2
    SnuggleBuggles is online now Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Dh. At the end of the day the kids are going to move out and on with their lives. My relationship with dh is one for the very long haul (i hope!) so it gets a lot of nurturing. Obviously the kids get a ton too and they don't pick up on the ranking.

    Beth

  3. #3
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    I think it is all about balance. On the day to day level, I try to cater to DD's needs first. But I also make sure that DH and I carve out alone time so we can cater to each other while DD is with the sitter (we are lucky that we have a lot of family close by who can sit). We try to do a date night every other month, we are trying to do a weekend away twice a year. Also, when the weather is nice, once a week or so DH and I sit out on the patio after DD goes to bed have a drink and just talk and listen to some music. These little alone times really help.
    Mommy to my little bear cubs DD1 and DD2- 4/2010 and 4/2012

  4. #4
    Melaine is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    I definitely put the girls first, and I think it bothers DH. I don't know how to do it differently though. They just NEED so much at this age.

  5. #5
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    bubbaray is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Definitely the kids first. I can't imagine nurturing a marriage. Its just not on my radar.
    Melissa

    DD#1: April 2004
    DD#2: January 2007

    "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." Jack Layton 1950 - 2011

  6. #6
    weech is offline Platinum level (1000+ posts)
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    It depends on the situation. There are times when DS comes first, and there are times when DH comes first. I very strongly believe in nurturing my marriage to the best of my ability. I grew up with parents who fought like mad and were in constant distress and I will never be in a marriage like that or put my own kids through that.

    DH and I do date night at least once every two weeks, and we do a night away once every couple months (some of our own choosing, some out of town weddings or other obligations). We spend every evening together after DS is asleep and pretty much dedicate the weekends to family time. We spend more time together than any couple I've ever known, honestly, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
    Rachel
    Momma to my sweet little bubba
    04/2010

  7. #7
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    egoldber is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Well, I think the marriage needs to come first. However, that being said, young kids are very needy and a good spouse should be able to recognize this and to put their own needs aside for the "common good". DH and I look forward to being able to do the things we did in our DINK days again, but a lot of it is just not feasible right now. But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Beth, mom to older DD (8/01) and younger DD (10/06) and always missing Leah (4/22 - 5/1/05)

  8. #8
    brittone2 is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    I think it is a balancing act.

    My kids, especially when they are very young (infants/young toddlers) have come first a good bit. At that stage it is tough to defer needs, etc.

    However, there are times we realize we aren't nurturing our marriage as we should, and I tend to make an effort to establish more boundaries w/ the older kids. For example, small things like giving us 20 mins to talk after dinner (telling them they have to go play and not interrupt us). As they've gotten older I've been able to express to DS1 that mommy and daddy are much happier when we get uninterrupted alone time (he goes through spurts of coming in our room and asking random questions. etc. when he doesn't want to go to bed. It has gotten much better, but a year or two ago this was a big thing for him. DD tends to stay in bed once she's there).

    I honestly couldn't answer who comes first because it depends on the scenario. There are times the kids come first, and there are times when their needs can totally be deferred (or boundaries established) so that DH comes "first".
    Last edited by brittone2; 06-10-2011 at 02:59 PM.
    Mama to DS-2004
    DD-2006
    and a new addition-ds born march 2010

  9. #9
    lmwbasye is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    DH...hands down. I may be skewed by his not being here much and the constant deployments, but I also look at things very very big picture and feel that 18 years is such a small time in the lifetime a plan to have with DH. I adore our boys and they will always be an essential part of my life, but they will move out and have their own families and lives and I feel my lifetime, as a whole, is with DH...not my kiddos.
    Laura Proud Army wife and SAHM to Liam (10/04) and George (10/07)

  10. #10
    Melaine is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    I don't see that a date night is putting DH over the kids though? Maybe I am looking at this wrong. It just feels like putting someone over the other person involves two needs and addressing one before the other. In that case, it ALWAYS means the girls get taken care of first. If DH is hungry and the girls are hungry, whose sandwich gets made first. If we are all tired, who gets put to bed first. If the car is SUPER hot, we turn the vents back to the back of the van. It feels natural to me to put them first every single time, but I don't think it feels natural to DH. And he has expressed that he feels neglected. But I am not sure how to remedy that.

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