WWYD: re: nanny and family tragedy

[luckytwenty]

Because her last name is very common, I didn't realize that our new after school nanny (who we LOVE) is the older sister of a boy who died in a very tragic way, that was publicized widely in our small down. His death occurred 6 years ago, when she was 15. It's such a big story that every year our town has a 5k for him and a candlelight vigil and there's been a memorial fund set up for other families that lose children in this way. (Not talking too much about it because it is so sad!)

Anyway, my husband thinks we should say to her, "We are really sorry about your brother. We did not realize you were related and we are so sorry." I feel like that's kind of awkward since it happened six years ago and she's already been with us for a few weeks.

I was thinking we could just tell her that we plan on participating in the 5k this year? (Which is in a few months.)

I am also worried that she will feel like, "Oh, now they know I am in the family that got affected by a terrible tragedy and now they won't think of me as normal any more!" We hired her because we like her, not because we felt bad about her brother, after all.

How would you handle this?

[sariana]

Does the 5k occur near the time of the death? I would keep it very simple and at most say something along the lines of "We're thinking of your family. Let us know if you need anything." This comment would be appropriate near the anniversary of the tragedy and would let her know that you know and give her the chance to open up if she chooses, or not. Also, if she DOES need time off to participate in family activities or something, you'll have opened that door to her.

Mentioning her brother specifically might be too much. I don't think I would want someone to do that, if I were in that position.

[luckytwenty]

Yes, the 5k is on the anniversary of his death. That's a good idea about letting her know she could have time off if she needs it for the activities. Thanks.

[BabyH]

I can relate. I don't really want to go into details, but I think it's completely appropriate to mention that you just found out she is the sister of <boy's name>. It will comfort her to know you are thinking of her. Something similar happens to me every now and again because my last name is now my married name, but I never, ever think it's weird if people say they just now realized or whatever.... and there's something my family does every year in the memory as well. It's always nice to hear that people are thinking of my family.

[wendmatt]

I like what your husband said, you are acknowledging the fact that you now know and it is nice to express condolences, rather than just saying something about the 5K down the line as if you knew all along. I don't think she would think that now you find her wierd.

[ha98ed14]

I would not say anything. It doesn't need to affect your relationship with her. Like you said, it was six years ago. If you do indeed participate in the 5K, mention it closer to the day.

I don't mean for this next part to sound snarky, tone is so hard to get in writing, so I hope I can word this without sounding offensive:

You are the ones who just had the realization that she is the sibling of the boy who died. SHE already knows that. You are the ones feeling awkward for not knowing earlier, but SHE is fine, living her life. Let her. She does not need you to acknowledge it for her. If she does, she will bring it up. Or it will come up naturally in conversation. By mentioning it now, you are meeting YOUR need not to feel awkward about just having realized who she is and what she suffered. But this girl knows all that. She obviously is functioning well enough to get a job as a nanny. She seems to be coping quite well. See her in that light, not in light of the tragedy her family suffered.

[luckytwenty]

I don't mean for this next part to sound snarky, tone is so hard to get in writing, so I hope I can word this without sounding offensive:

You are the ones who just had the realization that she is the sibling of the boy who died. SHE already knows that. You are the ones feeling awkward for not knowing earlier, but SHE is fine, living her life. Let her. She does not need you to acknowledge it for her. If she does, she will bring it up. Or it will come up naturally in conversation. By mentioning it now, you are meeting YOUR need not to feel awkward about just having realized who she is and what she suffered. But this girl knows all that. She obviously is functioning well enough to get a job as a nanny. She seems to be coping quite well. See her in that light, not in light of the tragedy her family suffered.

That doesn't seem snarky, so no worries. But I'm not sure you're understanding our motives. I completely get that she doesn't "need" me to acknowledge anything. However, it seems impolite or insensitive or less than warm to complete ignore this. I have absolutely no doubt that she is functioning just fine with or without our acknowledgement. So it's not about what she needs--but wanting to convey our support for her. She's caring for our kids every day. We want her to know that we care about her, and not saying anything about a major event in her life might seem a bit chilly.

[traciann]

I am also worried that she will feel like, "Oh, now they know I am in the family that got affected by a terrible tragedy and now they won't think of me as normal any more!" We hired her because we like her, not because we felt bad about her brother, after all.

How would you handle this?

I am thinking this might happen. I would not say anything, and if she happens to mention it you could say something then. I just think it might catch her off guard. Show her support by participating in the run and even donating to the memorial fund.

[sweetsue98]

Maybe a card with a nice note to express your condolences near the anniversary of his death?

[amldaley]

Um, yeah, I'm sorry, but I think it would be very ODD to just randomly bring it up. If her brother had died in some other town, would you ever even know?

If she wanted it brought up, I think she would. Having lived in my brother shadow's as a kid (he is 6 years older) first b/c he was so amazing, and then b/c he was so wayward, I was THRILLED when I met and interacted with someone who did not know him. It gave me a chance to just be me.

Perhaps she doesn't want to be always identified as the sister of that kid who was so tragically killed?

It just seems to socially akward to bring it up out of the blue - and frankly, needless. It was 6 years ago.

I think participating in the 5k, saying something to her around that time to ensure she understands you support her and writing a nice check to his foundation are all more than adequate.