WWYD or say to this?

[MMMommy]

I am good friends with a woman (let's call her Lisa). Our kids go to the same school and are friends. I have also gotten to be friends with Michelle, another mother. Michelle is very social. Michelle generally does not invite Lisa to any of our outings, and I don't think they care to hang out socially together. Lisa and Michelle do know each other and are friendly. Lisa said something to me recently that has been bothering me. She told me that I go out of my way to be nice to Michelle, that I am "trying too hard," that I seek Michelle's approval, and that I try too hard to be in Michelle's circle.

I honestly do not think Lisa is jealous. She is very upfront about things and really doesn't care what people think. She is not someone who tries to keep up with the Joneses. She sticks to her guns and beliefs. Which is why this bothers me.

This upsets me very much, and I am not sure what to say. Now it makes me feel self conscious when they are both around at school pickup. It makes me feel like I am supposed to be less friendly and warm to Michelle when Lisa is around. Which I know isn't right. Now it just makes me feel like I am under scrutiny by Lisa, and that any act of niceness from me to Michelle will be viewed as desperate and pathetic.

I feel hurt, and honestly, I just don't know what to say. I know I shouldn't let it bother me or affect how I act in the future, but it does.

Any advice?

[MamaMolly]

Sounds to me like Lisa is threatened by your relationship with Michelle. I'd chalk it up to insecurity on her part. Though I know you think Lisa is a straight shooter, I don't. I think she's manipulative and has figured out which button of yours to push to make you second guess yourself. Lisa is not acting like a good friend. Lisa is a manipulator who is attempting to undermine your confidence FOR BEING NICE.

I bet Michelle has long since figured out Lisa's game and that is why she steers clear of Lisa. And it is why Lisa is threatened and jealous of your friendship with Michelle.

[ThreeofUs]

While I agree with Molly, I don't know Lisa, so I'm not going to try to guess her motivations.

IIWY, I'd casually make sure that Lisa knows (1) I'm not about what she thinks I'm about (getting into Michele's circle) and (2) I like Michelle just like I like Lisa. Different strokes, you know?

But I'd also make sure she knew I frowned on making people feel bad about their other friends. Because that is NOT okay.

[TwinFoxes]

Do you think it's true OP? You never actually say you disagree. If it's not true, I'd tell Lisa "eh, you're entitled to your own opinion, but in this case it's wrong. I'm just naturally friendly toward people I like, and I like Michelle." I wouldn't let Lisa's opinion change the way I treat Michelle.

[sste]

These two individuals sound more alike than different - - they are both strong personalities and strong personalities tend to clash.

But, this sounds very, uh, "junior high" to me. I know it is easier said than done but I would ignore it. If either of them makes comments to you I would give the very startled, non-verbal reaction - - you know speechless for a beat or two while you give them the "oh my gosh I can't believe you just said that" look and then change the subject. Both of these ladies sound socially versed enough to get the hint . . .

[waitingforgrace]

While I agree with Molly, I don't know Lisa, so I'm not going to try to guess her motivations.

IIWY, I'd casually make sure that Lisa knows (1) I'm not about what she thinks I'm about (getting into Michele's circle) and (2) I like Michelle just like I like Lisa. Different strokes, you know?

But I'd also make sure she knew I frowned on making people feel bad about their other friends. Because that is NOT okay.

just be sure Lisa knows where you stand with both of them.

[MMMommy]

Thank you for your posts. I fully admit that I am the type of person who cares what other people think, and I am bothered when someone says something negative to me or about me. I admit that I am insecure. I am not the confident type of person that just lets things roll off my back. I fixate, worry and let things get to me. I wish I had thicker skin!

[wellyes]

My advice is to be a grownup: ignore pettiness and gossip, and do what you want and what feels right.

[TwinFoxes]

Thank you for your posts. I fully admit that I am the type of person who cares what other people think, and I am bothered when someone says something negative to me or about me. I admit that I am insecure. I am not the confident type of person that just lets things roll off my back. I fixate, worry and let things get to me. I wish I had thicker skin!

Given this, maybe Lisa was trying to be helpful? I think a lot of us have seen nice people "try to hard" around the popular crowd. I think Lisa could have phrased it better, or maybe kept her mouth shut. But maybe her motives weren't as mean-spirited as it might seem at first glance.

I'm sorry this is making you feel so bad.

[liz]

I honestly do not think Lisa is jealous. She is very upfront about things and really doesn't care what people think. She is not someone who tries to keep up with the Joneses. She sticks to her guns and beliefs.

If these are traits you admire in "Lisa", then I think you should apply them to yourself. Try not to care what she thinks and stick to your guns in your choice of friends. You can have friends who are not neccesarily close. This is your life, hang out with who you want. I agree with PP, that was a very juvenile remark.