best way to hand out Birthday invitations to school friends?

[alien_host]

I think it is the exclusionary feeling of inviting 6 out of 8 girls. If she were only inviting 2-3 from the class it is more of a 'small party' feeling. All but two is a bit more 'you didn't make my list' feeling. JMHO. I would feel that way even if the invites didn't go through school. We just went through this with DS1 - he started with only wanting to invite 4 of 20 kids from his class. Then he wanted to do 9 out of 20 and it was getting to the point I told him he either needed to invite the whole class or go back to the original 4 (he chose the 4). ETA: I also don't think it is about the parents being offended, but kids will talk about parties, either before or after, and even in K/1st they seem to understand "all the boys/girls party" or "small party", but can't grasp that all but two were invited and may be hurt. It also is hard to tell at the beginning of a school year who your DC's BFF will be at the end of the year, so if possible, I would invite the other two.

I knew I would get flack for what I posted, I get it and I personally would not exclude 1-2 kids, in my mind I think if more than 50/60% are excluded then you probably are "ok". I suppose I should have expressed this before.

I personally think "all girls" and "all boys" is a stupid rule. DD asked to invite the entire class last year and we did that. But seriously, if your child is friends with both genders then is the only way to have the entire classs at the party? How do you manage that when your kid then knows 35-50 kids among 2-3 classes?

I know Kindergarten is young, but eventually kids will need to realize that they won't be invited to every event. Yes 1-2 being excluded seems unfair, but again, not knowing the situation of a particular family (general, not OP), means one shouldn't judge why the party turned out the way it did.

In this case the OP didn't even have a list of kids to go off of (which seems crazy to me) to begin with. She seemed to be relying on her daughter telling her who the kids were in the class.

[alien_host]

Because kids talk and feelings get hurt and especially with girls, IMHO, that stuff doesn't just go away the next week at school. To find out you were one of two kids who wasn't invited to a party would not have hurt you as a child?

So how does a small gathering of 3-4 friends prevent that? Surely the other 4-5 girls would be hurt. Where do you draw the line? How does a gender specific party prevent a friend of the opposite gender from getting their feelings hurt?

Again, I would not exclude 1-2, but this also puts pressure on the parents saying "all or nothing".

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

Well, I might qualify as mean. My son's party was a few weekends back. He invited 5 out of 7 2nd grade boys in his class (and 1 of the girls ). There are also another 8 3rd grade boys in his class we didn't invite.

To be honest, he doesn't really know those 2 boys because at recess and lunch they can play with anyone in the school, not just kids in their class, and those kids don't go to aftercare and aren't on his soccer team and weren't in his classes in the 2 years previous, so they aren't really in his group of friends. We had 21 kids running around as it was, so I didn't push it. I did make him invite the entire soccer team even though there were 2 kids he had just met.

I guess we could have insisted that he invite those 2 kids. Next time!

ETA - I did an evite. I know all the parents of the kids we did invite, so no problem getting emails.

[MMMommy]

I think you just can't win when it comes to bday invites. If you invite everyone, it can be hard on the host and end up costing a fortune by the time you factor in food, activities, and goody bags. If you invite some, but not others, you take the heat for possible hurt feelings and excluding kids. I find that it gets harder each year as DDs maintain friendships from prior years, and then make new friends from their new classes. Add to that the obligatory family friends' kids, and the number of invites skyrocket. The numbers become unmanageable and the obligatory invite list just grows. With 20 kids per class, I know that my DDs were not invited to every kid's bday party (if they even had one) or even half that number (if all girls were invited). So clearly many were not having bday parties, not inviting everyone, or just excluding my DDs. As DDs get older, I hope to go the route of hosting small sleepovers with just a few girls. As kids get older, I think the "invite everyone" parties slowly die out.

OP, I think you did all that you can. You asked the teacher how best to distribute the invitations under the circumstances, and she told you what to do. What more can you do? Is it ideal to have the invites put in the kids' folders when not everyone is invited? No. But the fact of the matter is that there is no class roster or other identifiable means of contacting the parents. As PPs mentioned, that may be something to look into or suggesting going forward. Then maybe situations like these can be avoided in the future. But for now, you are just doing the best you can under the circumstances.

I do agree with PPs where if you are inviting the majority and excluding a few (whether it be almost the entire class or almost every boy/girl in the class), I would make a point to include the few others.

Good luck, OP!

[alien_host]

Well, I might qualify as mean. My son's party was a few weekends back. He invited 5 out of 7 2nd grade boys in his class (and 1 of the girls ). There are also another 8 3rd grade boys in his class we didn't invite.

To be honest, he doesn't really know those 2 boys because at recess and lunch they can play with anyone in the school, not just kids in their class, and those kids don't go to aftercare and aren't on his soccer team and weren't in his classes in the 2 years previous, so they aren't really in his group of friends. We had 21 kids running around as it was, so I didn't push it. I did make him invite the entire soccer team even though there were 2 kids he had just met.

I guess we could have insisted that he invite those 2 kids. Next time!

ETA - I did an evite. I know all the parents of the kids we did invite, so no problem getting emails.

I do think that as the kids get older that less and less get invited b/c you know who your kids is friends with and who are just classmates. Let's face it as you go through life you are not "close" friends with everyone, and that is OK. I understand in K and 1st that maybe the whole class or the entire gender makes sense, but I sure hope as they get older that you can reduce the list and not have to invite all. Logistically and financially it seems impossible to always include everyone.

This is why B'day parties are a PITA!

[o_mom]

I know Kindergarten is young, but eventually kids will need to realize that they won't be invited to every event. Yes 1-2 being excluded seems unfair, but again, not knowing the situation of a particular family (general, not OP), means one shouldn't judge why the party turned out the way it did.

I, as an adult, would not judge. However, it doesn't mean that kids won't feel excluded or hurt or whatever. If that's the way it has to be, then that's it and I would do my best to help my child if they were upset and not hold a grudge at all. However, I think if it is possible (as in not going to break the bank or just impossible because of the venue), then adding two extras to prevent this is worth it.

So how does a small gathering of 3-4 friends prevent that? Surely the other 4-5 girls would be hurt. Where do you draw the line? How does a gender specific party prevent a friend of the opposite gender from getting their feelings hurt?

Again, I would not exclude 1-2, but this also puts pressure on the parents saying "all or nothing".

I think it is just the age. I find that they really get, and can accept as fair, the concept of "Susie had a small party" when only a couple people are invited. And, in the case of 3-4 invited, 4-5 not, the 4-5 that are not do not feel like they were the only one not invited. They also seem to understand "Joe had an all boy party" even if they are friends with Joe. They don't really get, though, that "Susie had a big party, but out of all the girls in the class, only Kim and I were not invited".

As they get older, the kids start to understand the nuances of guest lists and party limitations. They are also more able to distinguish good friends from just acquaintances and so on.

[g-mama]

Thank goodness my boys do not get invited to every party that is held simply b/c they are one of the boys, or one of the classmates! We would go broke buying gifts and would spend every weekend hitting the party circuit.

They have told me about quite a few parties they knew about that they weren't invited to and they don't question it....because they are not friends with that child and wouldn't expect to be.

Perhaps (but not definitely) if your class is 12 people, like in preschool, it is different. But in elementary school, where my kids have 24-29 kids in their class? No way.

[rlu]

Thank goodness my boys do not get invited to every party that is held simply b/c they are one of the boys, or one of the classmates! We would go broke buying gifts and would spend every weekend hitting the party circuit.

They have told me about quite a few parties they knew about that they weren't invited to and they don't question it....because they are not friends with that child and wouldn't expect to be.

Perhaps (but not definitely) if your class is 12 people, like in preschool, it is different. But in elementary school, where my kids have 24-29 kids in their class? No way.

The only time DS was invited to an "all class" party was a jump-house party in pre-K. Most parties have been a selected portion of the class. Our parties for DS have been home parties with fairly short invite lists of the kids he played with at recess. Last year he invited two boys he wanted to be better friends with but that hasn't worked out which is turning into a life lesson no-one wants to learn.

OP is doing what the teacher/school has put into place so she shouldn't feel bad or piled on.

FWIW, when DS was making his invite list one year and I saw it included all but three boys from his class, we trimmed down the list instead of expanding it (one excluded boy was mean to DS and I wasn't going to make DS invite that kid) for both financial and the "class health" social reasons listed by pp.

eta: to answer the original question, we use the school's preferred method which is getting the class list from the teacher/room parent and email parents asking for mailing addresses. I like to send actual invitations, but may end up using evite since I generally have to email the parent initially anyway.

[alien_host]

I, as an adult, would not judge. However, it doesn't mean that kids won't feel excluded or hurt or whatever. If that's the way it has to be, then that's it and I would do my best to help my child if they were upset and not hold a grudge at all. However, I think if it is possible (as in not going to break the bank or just impossible because of the venue), then adding two extras to prevent this is worth it.

I think it is just the age. I find that they really get, and can accept as fair, the concept of "Susie had a small party" when only a couple people are invited. And, in the case of 3-4 invited, 4-5 not, the 4-5 that are not do not feel like they were the only one not invited. They also seem to understand "Joe had an all boy party" even if they are friends with Joe. They don't really get, though, that "Susie had a big party, but out of all the girls in the class, only Kim and I were not invited".

As they get older, the kids start to understand the nuances of guest lists and party limitations. They are also more able to distinguish good friends from just acquaintances and so on.

I'm not implying that kids won't feel hurt or excluded, I get that, but I'm just saying that in some circumstances it might be impossible to include everyone or even all of one gender. I think that is REALITY these days and we as parents can prepare our kids for that disappointment. IMO it is not that different from playdates. I might not be able to invite each and every kid over to my house over the course of the year and last year there were some kids that did not get invited to my house and DD did not get asked to everyone's house either. The kids talked about Susie went to Janie's house etc, but I do think that they have the ability to understand that not everyone gets invited to everything.

I also think in K and 1st it is even harder for kids to just pick 1 or 2 friends. My DD likes everyone and fortunately we had the means to invite the whole class last year in Kinder. To be honest, I am DREADING this year's birthday because she has friends spread over two classes.

BOLD - I addressed that in the post right above yours and ITA with that.

[alien_host]

This is the email to the teacher:

"DD's birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I was wondering what is the best way to give out party invitations to kids in DD's class? I'm assuming you dont want invitations given out at school since we aren't able to invite everyone. It would probably only be about 5 or 6 invites. Do you have a class list with contact information for parents?"

And here is her reply:

"If you send the invites in DD's folder, I will place them in children's folders and make sure they get to the right child. This is the best way to pass them out."

No mention of a class list for parent info. I think if she wanted to give me one she would have. I did ask for it.

Sorry if I derailed the thread, not sure what point I'm trying to make at this point....obviously people are passionate about b'day parties!

Since the teacher has requested the method of sending them to her to pass out then I wouldn't think twice about doing it, you don't have a choice IMO. The teacher did not offer a class list, e-mails etc. If you are thinking of inviting all the girls, you might want to ask the teacher for a list of the girls in class to see how many there are for sure. I know that if I didn't have a class roster, I would be at a complete loss of who exactly was in DD's class and asking a K student to recite all 20 names might be a challenge Good luck!