need serious help - good update in OP (so far!)

[twowhat?]

Update! So I thought to myself that I'd email a friend with triplets the same age as our girls who also deals with hour+ long tantrums to see if she was still dealing with it before calling a developmental ped. She wrote me back a LONG and incredibly helpful email. Her kids see a developmental ped since they were preemies. So she asked their regular ped, the dev ped, and contacted a NEW ped for advice and in a nutshell they all basically said the same thing: ignore, ignore, and ignore some more. They stressed the importance of making sure EVERYONE followed the exact same protocol of ignoring and she stressed that ignoring meant that she put her child in his room, alone, for the tantrum. She told me she thought that I ought to NOT sit in the room with DD2 to prevent her from peeing on the floor because that would make me a "captive audience" even if I was technically ignoring her. LOLOLOL. Perfect words.

So I thought I'd re-evaluate what we had been doing and give this one good shot. I waited until DH went away on a work trip. Then I braced myself and put tantruming DD2 in the master bathroom and let her pee all over herself and the floor and didn't open the door until she calmed - and if she started crying again I simply told her to let me know when she was done and shut the door again. It lasted about 45 min during which I opened and shut the door multiple times because I was unable to tell when she was really done. I followed my friend's advice and when DD2 was done I gave her a hug and told her "I missed you when you were in the bathroom." (the look that she gave me was amazing, I wanted to cry!). Then we talked calmly about how she should use her polite voice and use her nice words when she needs to talk to me. That was 2 weeks ago. We have not had a SINGLE long tantrum since then.

It is amazing. I hope I haven't just jinxed myself. We still get tons of whining but the hysterical hour-long screaming? That hasn't happened ONCE in the past 2 weeks (in the past it happened almost every day). Sh*t, if I knew it was this simple I should've done this long ago. And it SOUNDS so simple but as parents we all know how very hard REAL consistency is. And in re-evaluating what we had been doing, I found inconsistencies all over the place. We'd give an inch and DD2 would take 10 miles.

So anyway our lives have changed dramatically. I no longer dread picking up the girls and coming home. The past couple weekends were actually ENJOYABLE. Exhausting, but enjoyable. DH and I are no longer at each other's throats - to me, this is the BIGGEST difference - DH and I were so stressed out that we were literally not even liking each other's presence. The difference is INCREDIBLE. It is incredible just how much stress tantrums place on a family! And I never called the developmental ped. I'm not sure that single event is the reason behind the change, but I'll take it.

Now I'm sure tomorrow she'll have an hour-long tantrum just because I posted this update


----------------------------
So I got a hold of our pediatrician and he gave us a list of developmental pediatricians and child psychiatrists to call. His opinion was that even 20 minutes is on the long side, so 1-2 hours could definitely qualify as "possibly not normal." So - I'm going to check who is covered by our insurance and make the next call. Last night I thought we almost had it made without a tantrum until bathtime - and it was another 1-hour tantrum (screamed right up to bedtime). Will update later on what the dev ped says! I respect our pediatrician a lot so it worries me a little that he thought this warranted calling a specialist - but he also tends to be more conservative and "better safe than sorry" so I will see what a specialist says about all this. Either way I am glad he is taking me seriously.

-----------------------------

I am ready to give away my child. We're in the middle of a 1.5hr and counting tantrum. She is screaming that she doesn't like me. Has peed on the floor multiple times. I have tried everything. Everything. HELP!!! She throws frequent 1 hr tantrums. Do I need to call the doctor?? I am at the end of my rope.

Eta: she's not going to have time for dinner. Should I just make her skip dinner??

And now she's hitting me...ugh what do I do???

[happymomma]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. We are going through something too. The kids are driving me nuts. Constant bickering back and forth. Lots of whining. I also feel like I'm going to lose it.

[Melaine]

I'm so sorry! I wish I could help. I am sure you'll get some better BTDT from someone else.

[mytwosons]

I'm sorry. Hopefully bedtime will come early tonight.

I would definitely talk to your ped. If s/he blows you off, ask for a referral to a developmental ped.

[Indianamom2]

I'm sorry. Hopefully bedtime will come early tonight.

I would definitely talk to your ped. If s/he blows you off, ask for a referral to a developmental ped.

It sounds to me like this is disrupting your family and that's a sign that you need some additional help. Hope things get better asap!

[LMPC]

It sounds to me like this is disrupting your family and that's a sign that you need some additional help. Hope things get better asap!

These are my thoughts exactly! HUGS!!!

[edurnemk]

Oh that is a difficult stage, just a few months ago I was at the end of my rope. The only thing that works with DS is isolating him. As long as I'm around he won't stop and I'm not a patient person (read: I'd end up loosing it, too).

So I take him to his room and make him stay there until he calms down (I don't stay in the room with him), no matter how long it takes, he does not get to interact with anyone until he calms down. When it started getting harder to get him to stay in his room, I inverted the situation and would say "I can't stand your screaming so if you won't stay in your room I'll go to mine, I need quiet". And I'd lock myself in my room (we live in an apartment so I can hear him all the time), at first he'd go ballistic, scream like a maniac, hit and kick the door, but eventually he'd give up and after a while he'd calm down and come to my door and say "I'm calm now, mom". Now, he stops screaming about 10 seconds after I lock the door. Then we talk about what happen and how he needs to apologize for the screaming, throwing of toys and hitting, if there was any.

I've also considered putting a safety gate on his door so I can contain him there. My elementary school BFF's mom actually inverted the door knobs of her kids rooms so she could lock them from the outside, both to avoid accidental locking and to keep them in the room when grounded. I used to consider this cruel.... and then I had a toddler and even started considering it (especially now that I'm PG and he's acting up again and I have zero tolerance - just 2 nights ago we had a HUGE meltdown at bedtime, I sent him to bed still in the middle of the tantrum and eventually he fell asleep, but he screamed for a while).

But I do have to say I don't think he ever had a tantrum that lasted more than an hour, so if your DD's tantrums are escalating maybe you should ask your Ped about it.

RE: Dinner, I don't know what to advise but I'd fear hunger would make it worse. DS's worst fits happen when he's hungry and/or tired (it's amazing how his mood improves after eating). Can you serve her some food apart from the rest of the family (so she doesn't feel she's getting attention and she doesn't disrupt dinner for the rest of the family)?

[twowhat?]

DD 2 is finally in bed. Screamed for 2 solid hours. She screamed that she didn't like me...multiple times. She threw things. She hit me multiple times. I hardly got to see DD1 all night. I am going to go cry now

Eta: she did eat some dinner...I couldn't bring myself to let her go without. I have to be in the room with her while she screams or she will pee on the floor. Tonight I tried putting her in the bathroom and leaving her alone...she peed multiple times and spread it everywhere

[wellyes]

I am so, so sorry. We never had that type of tantrum, so I can only offer hugs and support. I also encourage you to talk to your ped. The peeing on the floor during a tantrum would be what made me make the call. Your DD and you both deserve better nights than this.

[carolinamama]

DD 2 is finally in bed. Screamed for 2 solid hours. She screamed that she didn't like me...multiple times. She threw things. She hit me multiple times. I hardly got to see DD1 all night. I am going to go cry now

It is so hard dealing with all of these things.

Not sure if it is time to see the pedi or another specialist about all this in your case. DS2 is my really intense and persistant child. He has followed me around the house screaming and crying and grabbing my legs for a long time. He can really go on and on. I can do nothing right most of the time. Two things that have helped at times: (1) stop whatever else I was doing and give him my undivided attention and while holding him. (2) If number 1 doesn't work, we have recently started having him go to his room by himself by telling him that we love him and it is okay to cry, scream etc but not downstairs with us. He must do it in his room. And no, he would not stay in his room so we have reversed the knob on his door and do lock him in if necessary. I know this would be considered cruel by some, but DS2 was just too disruptive, esp since we have a baby in the house. The first few times, he pounded on the door and screamed for a VERY LONG time, think hours. But now, the treat of having to tantrum on his own is enough most of the time. I still try to give extra love after the tantrum is over. I am not punishing, only explaining that behavior like that must be done alone since it disrupts 4 other people in the house.

ETA: I just read your edit about your DD peeing on the floor in her room so I guess disregard my message. But sending more hugs and support. Give your pedi a call. It will make you feel better and hopefully you will be on the road to better times.