Update! So I thought to myself that I'd email a friend with triplets the same age as our girls who also deals with hour+ long tantrums to see if she was still dealing with it before calling a developmental ped. She wrote me back a LONG and incredibly helpful email. Her kids see a developmental ped since they were preemies. So she asked their regular ped, the dev ped, and contacted a NEW ped for advice and in a nutshell they all basically said the same thing: ignore, ignore, and ignore some more. They stressed the importance of making sure EVERYONE followed the exact same protocol of ignoring and she stressed that ignoring meant that she put her child in his room, alone, for the tantrum. She told me she thought that I ought to NOT sit in the room with DD2 to prevent her from peeing on the floor because that would make me a "captive audience" even if I was technically ignoring her. LOLOLOL. Perfect words.
So I thought I'd re-evaluate what we had been doing and give this one good shot. I waited until DH went away on a work trip. Then I braced myself and put tantruming DD2 in the master bathroom and let her pee all over herself and the floor and didn't open the door until she calmed - and if she started crying again I simply told her to let me know when she was done and shut the door again. It lasted about 45 min during which I opened and shut the door multiple times because I was unable to tell when she was really done. I followed my friend's advice and when DD2 was done I gave her a hug and told her "I missed you when you were in the bathroom." (the look that she gave me was amazing, I wanted to cry!). Then we talked calmly about how she should use her polite voice and use her nice words when she needs to talk to me. That was 2 weeks ago. We have not had a SINGLE long tantrum since then.
It is amazing. I hope I haven't just jinxed myself. We still get tons of whining but the hysterical hour-long screaming? That hasn't happened ONCE in the past 2 weeks (in the past it happened almost every day). Sh*t, if I knew it was this simple I should've done this long ago. And it SOUNDS so simple but as parents we all know how very hard REAL consistency is. And in re-evaluating what we had been doing, I found inconsistencies all over the place. We'd give an inch and DD2 would take 10 miles.
So anyway our lives have changed dramatically. I no longer dread picking up the girls and coming home. The past couple weekends were actually ENJOYABLE. Exhausting, but enjoyable. DH and I are no longer at each other's throats - to me, this is the BIGGEST difference - DH and I were so stressed out that we were literally not even liking each other's presence. The difference is INCREDIBLE. It is incredible just how much stress tantrums place on a family! And I never called the developmental ped. I'm not sure that single event is the reason behind the change, but I'll take it.
Now I'm sure tomorrow she'll have an hour-long tantrum just because I posted this update
----------------------------
So I got a hold of our pediatrician and he gave us a list of developmental pediatricians and child psychiatrists to call. His opinion was that even 20 minutes is on the long side, so 1-2 hours could definitely qualify as "possibly not normal." So - I'm going to check who is covered by our insurance and make the next call. Last night I thought we almost had it made without a tantrum until bathtime - and it was another 1-hour tantrum (screamed right up to bedtime). Will update later on what the dev ped says! I respect our pediatrician a lot so it worries me a little that he thought this warranted calling a specialist - but he also tends to be more conservative and "better safe than sorry" so I will see what a specialist says about all this. Either way I am glad he is taking me seriously.
-----------------------------
I am ready to give away my child. We're in the middle of a 1.5hr and counting tantrum. She is screaming that she doesn't like me. Has peed on the floor multiple times. I have tried everything. Everything. HELP!!! She throws frequent 1 hr tantrums. Do I need to call the doctor?? I am at the end of my rope.
Eta: she's not going to have time for dinner. Should I just make her skip dinner??
And now she's hitting me...ugh what do I do???