How to handle tantrums with an 18 month old?

[ourbabygirl]

I'm at such a loss; DD was never this way... never had tantrums until she turned 2.5 or 3. But DS is 18 months and has been having infrequent, small tantrums for a few months now, but the last few days they've really escalated.

How should I handle his tantrums? I'm not even always sure what they're over (often he's just in a funky mood and will say 'no' and throw things that I give to him, even his paci or beloved teddy bear). Often it's because I take something away from him that he shouldn't have (a sharp colored pencil, a non-washable marker in the living room- I try to offer him a replacement- something he *can* play with, but he won't take it), or pick him up to bring him somewhere or change his diaper. He seriously tantrums for most of the day, and it's wearing me out and stressing me out! He screams and I sternly tell him 'no,' but it doesn't help. I definitely don't want to be reinforcing things, so I try to ignore him, but that doesn't really work, either.
There are certain times when I can't remove him from the situation (like today in our ECFE class), and I don't know how to handle him. He doesn't want his paci or his teddy, he doesn't want to be hugged or cuddled, or even held, he just cries and wriggles out of my arms- you name it.

Until recently, I seriously had no idea that kids this age had tantrums!

He doesn't talk much (probably only says 5-10 words), so I'm sure that's part of the problem (he's getting frustrated about his lack of communication), but most of the time he's just tantrumming over little things, or nothing at all.

Please help!

[TxCat]

I'm not sure I can give much advice, but you're not alone - our 18-mo old DD has been tantrum-ing on and off for the last 2 months - on her bad days, it is completely exhausting.

I posted a similar thread here and got some good recommendations. A lot of people recommended the Gentle Christian Mothers board for discipline techniques, and also Get Off Your Butt parenting. Another technique that was recommended and has helped us is previewing what is going on. I felt like we talked to DD a lot, but then in retrospect, realized that maybe we weren't good at preparing her for transitions from one activity to another, etc., which another poster picked up on quickly from my description. We do a lot of previewing now, and it's helped minimize the number and duration of tantrums. There's a lot more of "okay, 5 more minutes outside; okay 1 more minute outside" or explaining that we have to put down X because it's dangerous, etc. Of course, sometimes you just can't win, and those times I pick and choose my battles (like DD's irrational attachment to the Vitamin C bottle, the one bottle that isn't child-proofed!). Anyways, hopefully you get some more tips from wiser posters than me!

[AshleyAnn]

My DD did that. It was a phase, an exhausting phase, but it ended. I really dont recall doing anything except letting her tantrum and eventually she'd take the paci and calm down. Learning to talk definately helpped

[Pyrodjm]

My 20 month old has few words and a huge sense of entitlement. She has been throwing full tantrums for a while now. I take things from her, she flips. Like full on hyperventilating on the floor hysterics. I'll distract her, scoop her up and let her cry on me or walk away. I generally walk away when all else fails and then she just follows me screaming. I have had to build up my noise tolerance and tell myself that if I'm actually trying to make a child happy and she is set on screaming herself silly, I'm still being a good mom. Easy distractin activities for her include washing hands, picking out a new outfit, dumping out a container of something and "organizing it", trying on mama's shoes or daddy's hats.
I also have a very dramatic and LOUD 3.5 year-old. She was pretty easy-going until 2 though.

I have developed the ability to hear my children without hearing the noise they are making. It's the only way I don't lose my mind when BOTH girls go off like siren because I refuse to allow TV during dinner.

Taking the tantrummer outside seems to help. A walk in the stroller, sitting in the yard, even standing outside of our church. Tantrums caused by ridiculousness seem to not carry over well to new location. Even DD1 seems to stop and catch her breath if I suggest walking to the mailbox, even if she is crying because DD2 got the cuter pancake.

[fedoragirl]

I think it's pretty "normal" for an 18 month old to throw tantrums. DD didn't at that age but her best friend threw some mighty ones. DD started throwing huge tantrums around 21 months but that coincided with her brother being born. She is much more mellow at 27 months.
If we are out and about, I always took her to the car, strapped her in a car seat and stood outside within her view. That way, she could get the space she required. Sometimes, I'd open the door and ask her if she was ready to go back and she'd refuse so I'd just let her sit there a few more minutes.
Ignoring tantrums is also good advice but it doesn't work with every kid. DD's tantrums just escalated if we ignored them. DH still tries that trick even though I've told him it doesn't work with her. What does work is to be removed from the place she's having a tantrum. So, going to her room with her toys where she can calm down. She also does very well with Magic 123 and timeout but that is more now than at 21 months. Going outside is a great tip.
Just keep trying different things till it works. It can be very exhausting dealing with these tantrums but I guess you have to find something that works to keep your sanity.

[marymoo86]

DD would often have a fit if I try to take something out of her hand. Did read where that is not advised and started to ask her to "put" the object down (in a box, or some other place) and she liked that. Crayons were a big source of frustration until I got a little Glad plastic tub so she can put them "in." Ended tantrums for that scenario.

[oneontheway]

DS2 (18 mo) occassionally has one for almost no reason that I can tell and I put him down on the carpet and let him cry until he has calmed down and then comes to me. Once he gets over the "I'm not getting my way attitude" he comes around pretty easily. But if I try to distract or console him it just gets worse so I put him down and ignore him.

Luckily it hasn't happened out of the home which would prove to be more difficult. I don't remember DS1 or DD having them this early.. I'm hoping it means they will grow out of it faster, lol.

[brittone2]

It is an immature expression of big feelings. It is IMO pointless to try to stop the tantrum. It doesn't mean you have to give into the cause, but trying to suppress them doesn't work well IMO.

You can do things like reflect feelings. "You wanted to play with the X but that isn't safe. You are frustrated with mommy." He isn't going to use those words on his own yet, but IME as they get older they do start to use those words. "I'm angry with you!" or "I'm frustrated!" or "I need help." Reflecting feelings isn't going to do much now, but you are laying the groundwork so that he'll be able to express himself with more maturity as he gets older.

You can try working on signing. I know DS1 would often sign "help" long after he could say it. He chose to sign it because it was easier to get out sometimes when he was really frustrated, like when he'd try to put his shoes on by himself as a 2 yo. At 18 months, they definitely get frustrated when they can't express themselves. It is even more difficult to get the words out when they are frustrated.

It is also good to look at whether they are hungry, tired, thirsty, bored, etc. because if those fundamentals aren't met, at that age (and heck, even in much older kids and sometimes in adults ) you'll see it come out in their behavior. It can feel like you are beating your head into a wall if the cause of the tantruming comes back to one of those. Meet the need and often the behavior improves a bit.

Agree that sometimes it helps to say "put the marker over there" vs. taking it out of their hand. Not always, but I know my DS2 often does better with that type of suggestion. He might even say no at first but then walks it over and puts it away. It depends on the kid.

Ditto things like diaper changes-some kids do better with a choice-Where do you want to change your diaper, the couch or the floor? Some kids respond better to fewer choices or no choice. It is something you can experiment with.