Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 24
  1. #1
    almostmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    massachusetts
    Posts
    2,170

    Default How to deal with comparing myself to friends and their success?

    Ok, I could write a really long post, but it basically boils down to this. How do you deal with feelings of jealousy/inadequacy when friends around you are, well, specifically, buying bigger and upgraded homes? I feel bad about myself for having these feelings (I have so much good in my life and a home that satisfies our needs), but I also feel bad that these things that I aspire to have (a second full bathroom, a nicer kitchen, space in my kids’ rooms for a dresser AND a desk) feel completely out of reach.

    I thought they were slightly in reach until a real estate person came over last night. I shouldn’t be surprised at what our house would sell for, but it still doesn’t make me happy. At least it hasn’t gone down in the last 9 years…

    And DH just doesn’t get it – he feels fine where we are and has no desire to ever move. Or look at the options seriously – last night he shared that he didn’t even remember how much we paid for our house 9 years ago, which means he hasn’t heard any of the comments I’ve made on this issue. He would add on, but I’m not sure we could afford to get what we want that way either. I don’t want to be the materialistic one, so I feel like I can barely talk to him about this. Though I did say last night that I need him to be a little more supportive, as this whole thing makes me kind of sad.

    This is petty, and people live with so much less. And have way more serious issues. I really do know that. But I feel confused and paralyzed at this moment. Maybe I just need to feel bad about if for a few days. But man, living in a high COL area, and working for something you believe in, is tough. And it’s making me feel pretty alone right about now.
    Liz

    DS 11/03
    DD 12/05

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Posts
    2,546

    Default

    I think I know how you feel. We're also in a pretty small house. One story, one bathroom, tiny kitchen (can't open the oven and dishwasher simultaneously, and there's really only room for one person at a time), and DS's "bedroom" is actually an office (his toddler bed fits fine, but I don't think we can squeeze a real bed in there). It's been a great starter home while I finish grad school and we have less income, but with four people and a dog it's getting really cramped! Especially with all the baby stuff and DS's toys taking up space. A lot of our friends have upgraded recently to bigger, beautiful homes...and DS has asked me MANY times when we'll get to have a "house with stairs". Unfortunately, I'm nearly done with grad school (graduating in August), but there are no jobs...so it looks like we'll be stuck here for a while longer. It's a good house and we're fortunate to have a nice, fenced-in backyard, but it's getting harder and harder to have people over, and I've started dreading family visits b/c it's so hard to have 4 adults, 1 child, and 1 baby sharing a single bathroom. Feels like we're all living on top of each other. I know people raised good-sized families (2 parents, 3-4 kids) in these houses during the 50s and did just fine, so I feel bad for being dissatisfied with what we have. But it doesn't exactly help that so many of our friends are moving into what seem like mansions...and even my 3 yo notices the difference. In the meantime, I'm *trying* to use our tiny house as motivation to declutter.
    Mom to J 6/25/08 and M 6/21/11

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    East Coast
    Posts
    1,402

    Default

    I understand as I have been there. We have a decent sieze house for a family of 4. Lots of extra room, however our friends have all moved on to larger newer homes in the time we have been here. Some of the reasons include them having 3 kids and coming into a financial windfall. In fact at least 3 of my friends have been given large amounts of money from their parents as a gift which they used to purchase their larger homes. I try not to feel bad about it bc I know I will never be the recipient of a large cash gift from someone (they were all just lucky in that their parents are so generous) and I only have 2 kids. Yes sometime I think it is unfair that some people get handouts from their families, but I try to remember that it is all about the people IN the house rather than the house itself. When all else fails, I think about how I would HATE to have to clean a bigger house with more bathrooms and more space would just give me an excuse to accumulate more crap. Besides, it's hard to put a price on being financially comfortable with a mortgage rather than financially strapped with a larger one in today's economy.
    SAHM to:


  4. #4
    twowhat? is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Posts
    14,104

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by momof2girls View Post
    I understand as I have been there. We have a decent sieze house for a family of 4. Lots of extra room, however our friends have all moved on to larger newer homes in the time we have been here. Some of the reasons include them having 3 kids and coming into a financial windfall. In fact at least 3 of my friends have been given large amounts of money from their parents as a gift which they used to purchase their larger homes. I try not to feel bad about it bc I know I will never be the recipient of a large cash gift from someone (they were all just lucky in that their parents are so generous) and I only have 2 kids. Yes sometime I think it is unfair that some people get handouts from their families, but I try to remember that it is all about the people IN the house rather than the house itself. When all else fails, I think about how I would HATE to have to clean a bigger house with more bathrooms and more space would just give me an excuse to accumulate more crap. Besides, it's hard to put a price on being financially comfortable with a mortgage rather than financially strapped with a larger one in today's economy.
    I'm coming from the other side (just moved into bigger house) and agree, esp with the bolded. This house means I HAVE to work since we cannot afford it on one salary. And in the end we just decided that the house was important enough (we're all homebodies). It often crosses my mind that we could totally be happy in a small house with fewer things, living a simpler life and worrying less about a new mortgage or potential job loss.

  5. #5
    swissair81 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Posts
    6,012

    Default

    This may sound funny. My husband is from a very high COL area (Zurich) and he grew up in an apartment. So when we moved to our current area, which is low COL (but is also a fairly not well off community) he wanted the biggest house and luxurious everything, and I felt so self conscious. Specifically because I know that there are many people who feel the way you do, and I really don't want anyone looking at us that way. Similarly, my warranty was just up on my car, and my DH insisted on buying me a new one. Considering that on our next road trip we would probably have 7 people in a seven passenger van, I should have been okay with an 8 seater. Except that I know that my DH will get me all the extras because he wants me to have it. Meanwhile I have to deal with all the knowing comments and looks at my new car. It isn't a spot I am comfortable in. It also doesn't help that he is super stingy about things he doesn't want to spend money on. I hate having to fight to have him pay doctor bills, tuition, and clothes for the kids. I could do with the 2007 car, but our doctors deserve to be paid, and I should not have to fight to get them into clothes that fit. Sorry. Rant over.

  6. #6
    jal is offline Gold level (500+ posts)
    Join Date
    Feb 2002
    Location
    .
    Posts
    608

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by almostmom View Post
    ...How do you deal with feelings of jealousy/inadequacy when friends around you are, well, specifically, buying bigger and upgraded homes?...
    When ever you think about the people "ahead" of you, also remember the people "behind" you.

    Even if all your friends and family are higher up the ladder than you might be, you're still not at the bottom of the ladder. That ladder extends way far down into an abyss, and you are no where near that bottom.

  7. #7
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    CA.
    Posts
    23,492

    Default

    I understand. We too live in a high COL area and would love to either do work on the house or move to a house with another bedroom. I think it's more difficult for DH to deal with as he grew up in lower COL and had that big house. I didn't grow up with that, so I'm more happier with what we have.

    When I finally get done with school, we should be able to do something, but honestly I would have a difficult time sinking a lot more money into a house right now. We have other things we have to save for as well, retirement and college for DS are on top of the list. If we upgraded, we would have more property taxes, bigger mortgage (as unlikely to get enough from this house to make mortgage the same.) That's a lot more financial stress. I don't know if the extra bedroom is worth that.

    And our current house situation is due to decisions that we made, mostly DH didn't buy when friends were buying when prices were low, and we have more expenses in other areas as we've decided to spend money elsewhere. Like you, we've had friends that got help from their families. We don't have that. We have to accept these things.

    We would have to have things change quite dramatically to have a bigger house - DH's work would have to give him big bonus/pay rise (not likely), I would have to earn big bucks (not likely) or we win the lottery (not likely).

    And just because your friends have a bigger home does not mean they are happier. A friend has the kitchen of my dreams - it's the size of my kitchen/family room and dining room. Her DH earns a lot of money, but he works pretty much 24/7. I lust after her kitchen but I don't want DH to never be home to get it.

    I get the feeling, I really do.

    ETA. I would try to either accept the house situation or look at what you can change to one day get what you want and then you have to ask if that change is worth the 2nd bathroom. I know when I finally get done with school and working, we'll have to decide if I work full-time or part-time. Full-time will mean able to finally redo 20 year old kitchen sooner, but part-time might be better for DS. I dont' think DH will earn more, so if we want to do work on the house, it'll have to come from what I earn. And I don't want to be my SIL who nagged her DH to get a better job so they could afford more. The question for us will be prioritizing house with family/work/life balance.
    Last edited by niccig; 04-24-2012 at 01:55 PM.

  8. #8
    hellokitty is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Land of boys
    Posts
    16,657

    Default

    OP, I know where you are coming from. I've occasionally felt this way too. The social crowd I hang out with, most of them APPEAR to be more well off than we do. Some of them really are more financially affluent than us, but there are a few that I kind of wonder about. I say that, b/c you never know the other ppl's circumstances for sure. They could be in huge debt, be living off of credit cards, their parents may help them out a lot, or I even know ppl who got a large inheritance, they may have zero savings so living pay check to pay check, etc.. I think our house is nice, but compared to some of the huge and newer homes that my friends have, yeah, sometimes it makes me feel like we have less. The same with our car situation (everyone we know gets the top of the line trim level, while we always get the mid-low trim level, I don't get leather seats or heated seats, dvd player, etc.) and many friends also go on lavish vacations once or more a yr.

    I just keep reminding myself that lots of ppl have it worse than us, we are actually doing quite well and are financially stable. Living within our means is not a bad thing, in fact if more ppl were like us, our country would not be in the financial crisis it is currently in, kwim? Sometimes you have to step back to get perspective. When you are in your own little bubble, maybe your situation doesn't seem so great, but step back and you realize there are many who would love to be in your situation, who are REALLY struggling. In fact, it shows that we have restraint, in order not to always feel the need to go all out and get the most fancy/expensive choice. Personally, I don't like it when ppl flaunt their $ and I myself do not like to flaunt it. I do not like buying brands where the brand name label is obnoxious looking, basically yelling, "LOOK, I AM WEARING AN EXPENSIVE BRAND NAME!" I do not want to make others uncomfortable and I often do think that some of the really high end stuff is just unnecessary.

    I also feel that I want to be a positive example for my children by living within our means. Yes, we could have taken out a bigger mortgage (they offered us more than the house we ended up getting), yes we could have gotten a fancier car and went all out on lavish vacations, but we don't. We have a house well within our means, we are due to pay it off close to when DS1 starts college. Our cars are highly rated cars in reliability and safety, those were our top priorities. I grew up with affluent parents who lived way below their means. Ppl who didn't have any idea that my dad was a physician probably would NEVER have guessed it, b/c we did not play up to the role of what a stereotypical physician's family looks like. I was a bit resentful of that growing up at times (b/c my parents kind of went too far the other way, where they cheaped out more than necessary, I grew up wearing kmart clothes and back then kmart clothes did not look as nice as they do now), BUT I realize now that it taught my brothers and I a good lesson. All of us are pretty good about being frugal and living within our means. We are pretty down to earth and seem to have less problems with peer pressure than other ppl we know. We could all afford more than what we have, but none of us feel a need to do so. I hope to pass this lesson onto my children, esp in a world where appearances have become center stage and entitlement is rampant, I think it's harder to get this point across to children these days.

    I also agree with pp who mentioned that even though ppl look like they materialistically have a lot, it doesn't mean that they are happy. I know plenty of ppl who have a large and fancy house, luxury car, kids go to private school, they wear all designer label clothes, etc.. However, they still have their own problems, many are not happy, from the exterior their lives may look perfect, but inside closed doors it may be a different story. Some don't have the best marriage, some have spouses who provide them with these luxuries, yet they spend very little time together. If we wanted nicer stuff, I could certainly go back to work, but that would also sacrifice our family time too. This is not a dig at wohms, I respect wohms, but for us, I am lucky enough to have the choice to be a sahm or wohm and for our family, me being a sahm works best for us. Yes, it means that we don't have nicer or more, "stuff" than others, but that's ok for us. We occasionally splurge on things that we feel are worth it, but it's atypical for us on the most part.
    Mom to 3 LEGO Maniacs

  9. #9
    hellokitty is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Land of boys
    Posts
    16,657

    Default

    Oh and I also wanted to add in that DH and I are actually relieved that 9 yrs after we bought our current house, that we did not buy a more expensive home. The more expensive home values have dropped drastically, more than our moderately price home. In addition, I have seen ppl who bought fancy homes, but could barely afford to decorate and furnish it, or else they are basically furnishing it with what looks like dorm room furniture. We have the budget for some of the extras, b/c our mortgage doesn't eat up such a large chunk of our expenses. We also have enough for savings and college funds for our kids. I'm not saying that ppl who have more than us, aren't able to do the same, but I do know some ppl who don't really have any savings, and aren't saving for their kids' college costs, etc.. They're basically spend the $ as soon as they get it, and that's just not our style.
    Mom to 3 LEGO Maniacs

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    4,893

    Default

    I was thinking about this recently when a friend told me how, due to financial problems, they had to downsize to a 3,000 sft house from their 5,000 sft and how upset she is. I told her I could give her some pointers due to us living in a 1800sft home. Another friend lives in a home over 6000sft. I don't envy them because if I did compare than when would it end? If I did buy a bigger home would it make me happier? Probably not especially because that means I have to clean more.
    Jenn
    M - my 7 yo ADHD/anxiety monkey.
    TT - my 4yo tiny terror.

    "Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!" "I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights." “No comment” is a comment."
    "The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it." "Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
    - George Carlan



Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •