If you don't live near family, how long between visits

[niccig]

My parents live in Australia, I live in USA, 1 sister lives in UK and the other sister splits time between UK and USA.

For the last few years, my parents won't visit any of us. I think they feel that we must go visit them as we moved overseas. They've never expressed this, though I know my mother shuts down to not deal with emotions and it is difficult to visit and then leave. They're early-mid 60's and still capable of travel, even though I know those flights are awful. They can afford to travel, unless they spent all the money my mother inherited (a big chunk of change). They're both retired for over 10 years.

We visited them the last 3 times. Last trip was Dec 2010. We're not going back this Summer, so it's been 18 months. We told them in January and they said they'll think about coming to visit in July. I haven't heard a peep about it. I told DH we'll have to go next Summer if they don't visit as then it will be 2.5 years since we've seen them. 2.5 years!!!!!

I don't know what to do anymore. They don't call us either. I called in early April for Dad's birthday and will call this weekend for Mother's day. 4 weeks and no phone calls from them. I didn't call to see how long they would go. I know they're doing this to my sisters as well, so it's not just me.

I see my sisters either every 12-18 months, usually here in USA as they both come for work or one comes to ski, so we travel to meet them. My parents have been invited to all of these gatherings, but have always said no.

[mommylamb]

I'm so sorry that your parents are behaving that way. That must feel awful.

DH's family is in England. We see his mother once or twice a year. She always comes here, and I'm a bit embarrassed by that. Though we do pay for some of her travel and cover all her expenses while she's here. It's just so much more expensive for all of us to travel to the U.K. and stay in a hotel than it is to bring her here and have her stay at our house. Her house is really tiny and my SIL and 2 DNs live with her, so there is no room for us there.

The thing that bothers me the most is that my kids don't know their aunts and cousins at all. DH is not close with his sisters and doesn't see this as a problem. When MIL was here a couple weeks ago, one of my SILs called and I answered the phone, so I spoke to her for a bit and invited her to come visit (she wants to come), and DH is not happy with me for doing that. He had a falling out with her years ago and even though she has tried hard to atone for what she did (the falling out was her fault, not his), he has never fully forgiven her, and at this point it has been so many years and they really don't have much in common, so DH has no interest in renewing the relationship. I disagree with him because I want my kids to know her because she's their aunt... anyway, sorry for the long tangent.

[iaam]

OP: that sounds tough. It also does sound like your parents are pretty upset (because you moved away, as you said?) and are choosing not to make even the minimal effort to stay in touch/connected.

I grew up in several places including the US but my parents live in India (and have done so for many years). My brother + SIL live here, but in a different state. DH's parents and sister + family live in India.

We usually see my parents 3 times a year - they visit twice and we visit once. They are both in their 60s, still working, relatively well-off and very active. I speak with them on the phone or by Facetime almost every day. We see my brother + SIL 3-4 times a year (at our place, theirs, or on a joint vacation). DH's parents don't visit as often - maybe once every two years. But we see them on our annual trips to India. We see his sister then too - she has visited us much more rarely.

I wish India weren't so far away - I would like to be closer to my parents and visit more often (for short, weekend trips)....

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I am sorry niccig, that stinks.

My mom (out of state) has not visited since DD was born, 14 mos ago. A few months after that she got breast cancer and had to have a few surgeries, then radiation treatment, so she had take a lot of time off work. Then my dad became unemployed... so my parents had no visited since then since it's somewhat of a financial hardship and my mom can't really take that much time off work anymore. We try to fly over there twice a year which is the max we can do financially (while the plane tickets we usually can get for free, we always have to rent a car for the week we are there, which can get pricey).

the ILs are closer, but they can't visit too often since MIL has RA and other health conditions and cannot drive herself, she watches BILs kids during the week and FIL works full time. they usually come on special occasions for the weekend like DD and DS birthdays, and other maybe a few other times, so like maybe 4-5x a year. They live a 5-6 hr drive away.

Sorry your family isn't more into sharing the travel burden. I think if grandparents are retired, dont' have major health issues, and money is not a problem, there is NO EXCUSE not to make the effort to visit! I just don't get this. I'd be very upset and hurt by unwillingness to travel and be more into their grandkids' lives!

[Philly Mom]

My ILs live in the UK. My DH is an only child. We see them between 2-4 times a year, and skype every Sunday. However, my MIL's family lives in South Africa. She last saw her sister 7 years ago, and has not seen her sister's family, husband and children, in forever. My DH has not seen his cousins since the late 80s. My MIL did just buy her sister a plane ticket and she is going to the UK for the month of June. My MIL and her sister do try to talk every few weeks. Even without living in the same country/hemisphere, they remain close.

Australia is a lot further than the UK and the time difference is much more difficult to deal with when trying to figure out when to call and talk.

[nfowife]

Have you point-blank asked them why they won't visit?
We are very close with my IL's. We see them A LOT. Right now about once every 8 weeks or so, sometimes more often, sometimes as long as 3 months between visits. They live in FL and we are in OK. They usually come to us because it's easier that way as we are 5 people. We went to them at Thanksgiving last year and haven't thought about Thanksgiving this year yet.
When we lived in Italy for 2 years (2008-2010), they visited us in the summer and at Christmas each year (they are teachers). They are on the verge of retirement and a very active 65 and 67.

My family, on the other hand, we are not as close to. I saw them when we were home for Thanksgiving and will see them next in September. So I see them about once a year. Wish that was more often but it is what it is.

[Momit]

When we lived overseas for 2 years, my parents came to visit twice and we went to see them once. In the year since we've been back, they have come probably 4 times, each for 2 weeks, and we've gone to see them once. I know we're lucky that they want to spend so much time with DS and are happy to take care of him while DH and I got out to dinner, etc.

My in-laws are a little different (technically it's my FIL and the wife he married after my MIL passed away). They visited us once in Europe and twice since we came back, we went to see them once. They are not particularly interested in their grandkids and would rather go on "real" vacations than go to see family. I hope it will change as DS gets a little older but I'm not holding my breath.

[anonomom]

My mom lived a 9-hour drive away, and we usually saw her anywhere between 1-3x a year. She made no bones about her view that since I was the one who moved away, it was 100% my responsibility to visit her. She dis visit once shortly after DD1 was born, but that was it. I offered repeatedly to pay for her to fly or take a train here, but she refused. She died 3 weeks after DD2's second birthday, having only seen DD2 twice.

[hillview]

We see DH's family one a year when we pack up everyone and go to the UK. If we didn't they wouldn't come here. We've offered to pay for them etc. His mom is older (87) but could make the trip (no major health issues). His sister and brother also don't come. They do send packages for b'days which is nice. DH usually calls them on Sunday. If he doesn't call them they don't call. They never initiate contact (except for the packages).

It would make me crazy if it were my family BUT it works for DH and I don't really care. My parents live with us so ...

[niccig]

We see DH's family one a year when we pack up everyone and go to the UK. If we didn't they wouldn't come here. We've offered to pay for them etc. His mom is older (87) but could make the trip (no major health issues). His sister and brother also don't come. They do send packages for b'days which is nice. DH usually calls them on Sunday. If he doesn't call them they don't call. They never initiate contact (except for the packages).

It would make me crazy if it were my family BUT it works for DH and I don't really care. My parents live with us so ...

So, it's kind of the same, but it drives me crazy. I was trying to call every 2nd week like my sisters do, but let it go to see and it's been 4 weeks. One sister did the same thing. My parents called for her DH's birthday in September, she waited and waited and then called for my Mother's birthday in December. She said they were totally fine on the phone, no mention about not calling at all for THREE months.

When we lived away at college we had to call them every week or Dad would leave a "where are you" message on the phone. We would talk every week when DS was little, but the last couple of years, they won't call.

At least it's not just me they're not calling. The time difference is difficult, I understand that.

I have to call today for Mother's Day as DS will be gone all weekend camping. I'm not going to bring it up, as pretty sure my mother will get defensive, which means she'll get nasty and I'll end up saying "Not Happy Mother's Day" as you're not acting like a mother and care about being with your kids.