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  1. #11
    hillview's Avatar
    hillview is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    I don't know. What does your sister think? It sounds like it might not help much and just be more annoying to you. Kudos to your sis for calling!
    DS #1 Summer 05
    DS #2 Summer 07

  2. #12
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Good points. you are right that it could just piss me off mOte!How should I move past this for me and ds1? Avoid? Get over it? Something else?

  3. #13
    edurnemk is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by niccig View Post
    I wouldn't send it. BIL sound like a d$ck and everyone else, even your sister, is in agreement. D$cks like that won't come around and apologize as they're always 100% right, so it won't be much of an apology, it might actually make things worse with your DS.

    I feel for your sister to have him as a DH.
    DS 1/08
    DD 7/2012

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnuggleBuggles View Post
    Good points. you are right that it could just piss me off mOte!How should I move past this for me and ds1? Avoid? Get over it? Something else?
    I have to be honest, I would have a hard time getting over it, especially since this isn't a one off, it's a character flaw. I wouldn't be making much effort to include him in my DCs' life. But maybe that's a character flaw of mine.
    Mommy to my wonderful, HEALTHY twin girls
    6/08 - Preemies no more!

  5. #15
    DrSally's Avatar
    DrSally is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    I think you're right that it's a good thing they don't have kids. How over the top ridiculous. It was empty and the meal was done. I prob wouldn't send the note, as it doesn't sound like he's going to change his mind.
    Sally

    My Joyful DS
    My Lovely DD

    Please excuse the typos. Getting used to a virtual keyboard

  6. #16
    DrSally's Avatar
    DrSally is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Oh, andndid he actually swear at your DS in his fit of anger? That is far worse,
    IMO than anything DS did.
    Sally

    My Joyful DS
    My Lovely DD

    Please excuse the typos. Getting used to a virtual keyboard

  7. #17
    rin is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Wow, I feel like we have the same family member! Your BIL sounds just like my uncle (my mother's sister's husband), who very unfortunately DOES have kids. IME, there's absolutely nothing that can be done about someone like that; as a PP said, it's a fundamental character trait, not something that he's going to be able to work on and change. Honestly, if he really is anything like my uncle, there may well be a streak of mental illness as well; my uncle has bipolar disorder and struggles with depression. He's also just a Grade A a$$hole. Honestly, I wouldn't waste any of your energy trying to repair/foster a relationship with your BIL; I would take your sister at her word when she says she'd understand if you don't include him in family events, and I'd protect your kids from his toxic outbursts. Having grown up with an extended family member who sounds just like your BIL, I can say that as a child I always experienced huge amounts of anxiety about being around him because of the chance that he'd flip out over some totally inconsequential thing that I or one of my siblings/cousins had done. I would move past this whole incident by telling myself that now I don't have to put up with him any more, and then just avoid him wherever possible.

  8. #18
    hillview's Avatar
    hillview is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Well my style is to coexist as required (eg at events etc) but to basically otherwise pretend he does not exist and focus on my relationship with my sister. You cannot change people you can only change their impact on you.
    DS #1 Summer 05
    DS #2 Summer 07

  9. #19
    SnuggleBuggles is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by hillview View Post
    Well my style is to coexist as required (eg at events etc) but to basically otherwise pretend he does not exist and focus on my relationship with my sister. You cannot change people you can only change their impact on you.
    If it were just me, I'd do it that way. But, it's ds1 (and could easily be ds2).

    BIL's never been my favorite person but his behavior has been fine 9 times out of 10. That 10th is a doozy. (He called ds1 the "most ill behaved child he'd ever met" back when ds1 was 4yo. I b*tched about it here. I didn't invite BIL to any family events I was hosting for a good year. I decided to just get over it, even though I didn't want to.)

  10. #20
    ellies mom is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I might send a carefully worded e-mail mentioning the following:

    "...explaining that as the grown up sometimes you need to remember that kids make mistakes but they count on those they care about to still care about them regardless" and "...ds thinks you're great and really would like to continue having a good relationship with you", maybe work hurt feelings in there somewhere.

    But I would stop short of demanding or even asking for an apology. He isn't sorry, so what is the point? I would simply make a statement of fact. "he is a kid, kids do things they shouldn't, they need to know that they are still loved/cared about, his feelings are really hurt", and leave it at that.

    FWIW, I could see my husband getting all pissy over something like that also and my husband hardly ever admits to being wrong in situations like that. Getting him to admit it or apologize just makes it worse. It is better to state your views on the topic and move on. Give him time and space to process it. He may not but he may. Who knows.
    Veronica

    Miss Ellie 11/03
    Baby Audrey 4/08

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