New question in post 8 Stupid BIL

[SnuggleBuggles]

I might send a carefully worded e-mail mentioning the following:

"...explaining that as the grown up sometimes you need to remember that kids make mistakes but they count on those they care about to still care about them regardless" and "...ds thinks you're great and really would like to continue having a good relationship with you", maybe work hurt feelings in there somewhere.

But I would stop short of demanding or even asking for an apology. He isn't sorry, so what is the point? I would simply make a statement of fact. "he is a kid, kids do things they shouldn't, they need to know that they are still loved/cared about, his feelings are really hurt", and leave it at that.

FWIW, I could see my husband getting all pissy over something like that also and my husband hardly ever admits to being wrong in situations like that. Getting him to admit it or apologize just makes it worse. It is better to state your views on the topic and move on. Give him time and space to process it. He may not but he may. Who knows.

Ooh, I like that!!

[MamaMolly]

Dear BIL,
My son is a child and is still learning appropriate behavior. What is YOUR excuse?
Regards,
SIL

[SnuggleBuggles]

Dear BIL,
My son is a child and is still learning appropriate behavior. What is YOUR excuse?
Regards,
SIL

I don't think I have the guts to do that. Wish I did!!

[mikala]

I wouldn't send it. BIL sound like a d$ck and everyone else, even your sister, is in agreement. D$cks like that won't come around and apologize as they're always 100% right, so it won't be much of an apology, it might actually make things worse with your DS.

I feel for your sister to have him as a DH.

I'd skip the note because I don't think it will do anything positive because he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

I'd ignore him as much as possible and focus on your son's relationships with other relatives.

[Toba]

In my own experience, it doesn't sound like your BIL is the "changing" type.

I grew up with physically and emotionally abusive parents. I still deal with the trauma of my childhood on a daily basis (I have severe panic disorder). My dad uses the "shock and awe" style of parenting. DS still adores him, but a couple of years ago DS was exposed to my dad's style of parenting. I had just put a hot tray on the table and told DS to not touch it because it was hot (DS was sitting on my dad's lap). Well, he reached out and touched it. He was 5. The touch was a fraction of a nanosecond and he didn't get burned. My dad flipped out on him and reduced him to tears. I had to go in my room (DH took DS away) and have a panic attack because it was so ... I don't know, disturbing? Mortifying? I literally jumped when he started yelling and I wasn't even in the same room. It just brought back so many strong, raw emotions from my childhood. I will NEVER subject to DS to that again. I beat myself up about the incident for a long time (why didn't I SAY or DO something?!?). As my dad has gotten older, he certainly has mellowed but that one single incident reminded me that the "shock and awe" is still ingrained deeply inside him. I never leave DS with them and I KNOW they know why.

So, I definitely see that kind of behavior pattern in just your short story. And it would concern me even more that your sister obviously sees it too, since she's willing to disclude him from other family events. My gut reaction says take her up on that (but obviously my reaction is from a biased side).

[Still-in-Shock]

While sending a note is the adult thing to do, you are not dealing with a normal adult. Before sending or even writing one, why not ask your sister what her thoughts on that are. After all, you don't want to make things worse for her.

I'm glad your parents are on board with you about this, because your son will need some fun relatives to counterbalance his uncle!

You did say that you would be happy to have BIL stay home for family events except for your son. In that case, you would have to prepare DS for those events. "Now remember, son, if you sit near Uncle Brainless, you have to be on your best behavior, because he has forgotten what being a kid is like. He gets upset when you don't use good table manners/ when you horseplay in the house/ fill in the blank, and we don't want him upset!"

[tabegle]

Uncle Brainless

Love that!

Hugs! I have a hard time with the way I was raised versus how I'm raising my kids. My parents have a very difficult time seeing someone else's perspective. (Even their own from 30 years ago when their kids were small.)

[elephantmeg]

I would be somewhere between ellies mom's note and something that said "we will handle our children's discipline. if you have an issue with something one of them says/does please tell us and we will address it, you may not yell at our children that way". And I would have this discussion in person if possible. But I honestly think that you are not going to get an appology