DD not interacting with others well - what to do (LONG)

[janine]

DD is 3.5..I know she is still young but I'm seeing traits that are concerning me. She has been home and watched by mom, or me since the begining (I work FT out of the house). She has one sibling (DD2 age 7 months). So not a ton of exposure to other kids, but not the worst either.

She's been in preschool this past year (3's), only 2hrs a day but very nurturing environment with 8 girls and 2 boys, everyone is friendly and supportive.

My parenting style is firm but loving - DH is more the softie.

Anyway, basically she is not interacting well and I had hoped this past year at preschool would help, but it hasn't. She is gregarious, loud and energetic at home. But at school she is quiet - and I mean doesn't say a word. Just sits there. Doesn't really play with others. Doesn't respond to questions when prompted. She'll play by herself and around others, but not WITH them. She won't jump, yell, have fun like the others. She is engaging but just minimally. The teacher did mention it to me, but we're all of the opionion that she's just not used to other kids, she's just 3.

But when I went to the final day of school party, every other child was singing and interacting while mine just sat there. At home she tells me she just didn't feel like singing, and she does in fact know the words - just doesn't want to participate. Then today we went to the school's outdoor picnic and it was a great set up..music, food, games. Again, we had to drag her around, she won't participate, barely speaks. Finally she just digs her heels in and stays still. So we can ignore her but then she'd just stand alone. If we speak and try to encourage her, she gets stubborn. Her teacher came over to say hi and she turned her back and wouldn't talk - I was so embarrassed inside! Her classmate came over and held her hand and tried to get her to dance, but she just stood. Now she's curious about it all and watching, but just stands with a sour puss face.

What can I do to help? I know she is very smart and also stubborn, but I want her to have fun and be a kid! I don't want her to keep things bottled up and go through life iwth people cirticizing her or thinking she's strange. I'm a quiet person myself but unlke me she is naturally active and charming WHEN she wants to be (at home).

Any thoughts?

[smilequeen]

She's pretty young still. What do her preschool teachers think? Is she similar in public places...playground, park, etc. as she is at preschool? Or more like at home? She may be more introverted and that's a perfectly wonderful thing to be, even if our culture values extroversion more. Talk with her teachers if you can, get ideas for what they can do at school and what you can do to help her. My oldest is more introverted but over time with a lot of exposure, he does fine with other kids. He's still pretty shy around adults until he feels comfortable. He's done a lot of preschool, classes like gymnastics, music, trips to the park, storytime, etc. My middle is a complete extrovert, but is actually worse at interactions (tends to react without thinking a lot) and I have him in a social skills playgroup (he's almost 5, going into K).

[infomama]

Maybe it's too much for her. I would say that if she isn't getting much out of the two hours there...look for an alternative (smaller) program for her or maybe one that you do together.
I pulled dd from a mom/tot class once because she wasn't diggin it. It was totally fine and now she is doing great in preschool. Don't force it....adapt.

[annex]

If you want to read up on "selective mutism" you could see if she meets that profile. I think someone on the board has a kid with that diagnosis, hopefully she will chime in. It's been a while since I researched it for my DD when she was having issues in preschool.

[pinkmomagain]

If you want to read up on "selective mutism" you could see if she meets that profile. I think someone on the board has a kid with that diagnosis, hopefully she will chime in. It's been a while since I researched it for my DD when she was having issues in preschool.

I was thinking similarly or perhaps some social anxiety. Maybe speak further with the school director and your pediatrician to see if they feel it could be more than typical shyness, etc.

[elephantmeg]

DS is similar especially at that age. He went to full time daycare/preschool and is generally the only one that wouldn't sing/preform. He doesn't shake hands at church. But when I see him in class (kindergarten) he has friends, he interacts, he talks-it just takes a while to warm up to people and he does not preform on command! So we skipped the Spanish singing performance thing his K class was doing (I had to work and DS didn't want to go and DH didn't want to take him and DD!) and otherwise he has done OK.

[niccig]

DS did his own thing the first year of preschool, he didn't play and form friendships until the 2nd year there. He was fine playing with his playgroup friends, but would never perform on command unlike other kids. His elementary school sings songs, each class does a presentation at their weekly all school meeting and it was only this year in grade 1 that he would participate in that. For pre-K and K, he would just sit and watch. He will now join in, but prefers to be in back row.

Any class was the same at that age, I would have to coax him to participate. Now he's on baseball, soccer teams, goes off to 1 week camps where doesn't know anyone.

She may need more time to warm up to others outside of home. Does she do other activities or classes when not in preschool? How is she with kids of friends? Are the teachers worried? It doesn't sound that unusual to me.

[ourbabygirl]

My DD is also 3.5 and sounds so much like yours!
She's been shy for as long as I can remember, and she was always very clingy to me when we hosted or went to play groups or ECFE classes, etc. She was a late talker; I had her evaluated through our school district and also through our private insurance and she qualified for both and got speech therapy through both. She started speech therapy right before turning 2 and after a year of the birth-3 EI through our school district, she went to a special needs play group through our district (though we called it preschool with DD because it really was like a preschool). She got speech therapy there with the SLP, but at our January meeting with her and DD's teacher, the SLP gave me some paperwork about selective mutism, wondering if that's what DD has. DD always tested *really* high for receptive language, but *super* low for expressive language, and it wasn't until she was almost exactly 2.5 that she really had a speech explosion. Since then, she's been super chatty around us at home, but not around other people she knows- friends, relatives, the kids and teachers at school, etc. She takes a while to warm up to people, and I've always felt kind of embarrassed since she will barely talk to my extended family, won't go up and give my dad a hug, for example, and won't respond when people ask her questions. The SLP was worried this could be a problem in school in the future if the teachers don't know this about her, making her anxiety worse by asking her a question and expecting a response. It's like DD clams up even more when put on the spot, so it's better if they don't expect anything of her and just let her come out of her shell when she's ready.
I had a really hard time finding therapy options for her because she's so young, because of where we live, and our insurance, also the waiting lists are long, or people aren't accepting new clients. So I'm just kind of letting it go for now, unless it interferes with our life or her life too much. She's really opened up a lot in the last year, but there are certain things that she just won't do (answer someone's question when put on the spot, even though she knows the answer; smile for a picture if someone asks her to; give a hug or something like that- she'll only do things if she's ready and wants to). I wish people could see the sweet, bubbly little girl that we see every day at home.
DD does interact fine with the other kids, and will talk with them, just not right away. I actually thought she might just have anxiety with authority figures asking her questions and such, because she was this way in a gymnastics class, with her first SLP, and with her swim teacher at first. She eventually warms up to people and is fine, but on the other hand, she won't wave or say hello or goodbye to people, she just kind of looks at them and gives them a smile and kind of looks down after. It can be really stressful as the mom; even though she's totally normal with us, saying please and thank you and you name it, it comes across as though she has no manners when she's in public, because she's too shy to say please or thank you or hello or goodbye to other people. Or to even tell them her name or how old she is, when they ask. So I struggle with how much to 'cover' for her, saying that she's shy and answering for her, but not making it so she feels like she doesn't have to answer because I'll do it.

I need to order some books to read more about selective mutism, if it's even what she has, but she definitely has some sort of anxiety related to talking with others. I also feel guilty because I've had anxiety and depression since college, and I'm sure I passed it on to my kids (plus my DH is pretty high strung, so surprise, surprise, we ended up with two high strung kids!). And I SAH with our kids, so I feel like they might not be this way if they were in daycare, and they'd be earlier talkers who could be much more extroverted around others (trying to find a new baby-sitter is kind of a nightmare with my kids; they're very shy around others and pretty clingy to me).

Anyhow, I don't know if this was helpful at all, but I just wanted to share my experience and offer hugs ! Please feel free to PM me if you have any other questions!

[mackmama]

You mentioned that your DD is introverted. Would you describe her as sensitive? If so, maybe she is overstimulated at school. This book might be helpful: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

Like a PP, I'm also wondering about some social anxiety.

[wendmatt]

Does she enjoy school? Did she enjoy being there at the activities and observing? I could have written the same thing about my dd at that age. She was super shy and it used to break my heart to see her at preschool not talking to anyone or playing with anyone on the playground. She is 9 now and although she does better in small groups and is still quiet at school, she does fine and definitely interacts with the other kids and has friends. I would encourage her, take her to lots of places, keep taking her to preschool, playdates if she likes them but don't push her. If she just likes to observe, let her get on with it, she'll find her place to fit in time.