Work related drama; looking for perspectives, WDYT? (Long!)

[ha98ed14]

Oy, what drama! I can't sleep because I keep replaying the situation over and over in my head and for fear I might have been totally out of line and/or screwed myself. I'm going to try to keep it brief, but it will probably get long. This unfolded over a period of 2 hours, all by phone, between four people:P(for proposals, female; business development mgr, assembles proposals), B (for businessman, male, runs the "business end" of the firm, decides what RFPs firm bids on and has a hand in crafting them), M (for project manager, female, "visionary" in shaping her projects), Me (works under P writing scopes for RFPs and therefore coordinates with ALL project managers on their visions for their projects; I also work directly for M on her projects as a writer.) FWIW, all all project managers (hereafter PMs) and I are indep. contractors; B is a partner in the firm; P is an overhead employee.

Backstory: M found me a year ago bc she needed a writer with a background in OurField. I am fairly confident she likes my work. She is sparing with her praise, but keeps me around and puts me on as key staff in her projects when bidding. Overall I would say we mostly have a good relationship, although she herself has very poor communication and interpersonal skills, but she has great passion for the work, as do I, so on that level, she respects me. She also went to Firm and told them I was a good writer when Firm was looking to find someone to write their scopes. (Project managers were doing their own and it was costing Firm too much money. I'm cheaper.) M got me that "scope writer job," so I owe her in a way. I also have some loyalty to her, although it may be somewhat misplaced as I tend to have misplaced loyalty in my work relationships.

I started working with P about 6 months ago. She is awesome. Riotously funny, good at her job, very clear communication skills, so easy to work for. B is fine. Nice enough guy, not heavy handed at all, but clear and firm when he needs to be, gives me very little direct feedback.

This situation is regarding a proposal for an rfp M wants to bid on. All project managers are supposed to send me and P notes on what they want their scopes to look like. Every other PM does this; because of M's poor communication skills, she provides very little upfront guidance, which is a problem as you will see if you have made it this far.

The Story: So M sends me an RFP to review, asks me send her my questions, and cc's P. I review and send a detailed list of questions covering everything I need to know to write the scope. I really did a good job of asking exactly what I needed to know. Well, M never replies. So, P decides we need to have conference call, during which M is hurried bc she is in transit from one mtg to another. During conference call, we cover little specifics of the questions, the details. We just cover the purpose of the project and what past projects to pull from in crafting a proposal. Because of the lack of direct guidance, P goes to B to get input. He says do take XYZ approach, which P relays to me, and which I then put together with the vague guidance from M to write the scope.

I send scope to M for review and cc P & B. M responds to me with a phone call to discuss edits/changes, which is customary. Well, M does not like XYZ. She keeps asking me, Why X? Why Y? Why Z? I repeat that X,Yand Z were per B's instructions. She says fine, but I want it to be DEF approach. She is also irritated with me that I did not better understand the RFP, but I am 100% confident if she had answered my list of questions, I would have. But whatever. Maybe I should have pushed harder to make that list of questions the agenda for our conference call with P, but I didn't because she was hurried and can be snippy when under pressure.

The drama happens when she says to me, "We are going to be doing "ServiceTaskD," and I reply that I don't think ServiceTaskD is realistic on a budget of $Dollars. I told her that P and B already think we are pushing it to what we can offer for $Dollars, and I just don't see it. She says "Well, where did you get that $Dollars amount?" I say, "From P and B, but maybe I am remembering it wrong." She says, "Well, B has no idea what the budget is because it isn't specified in the rfp." So M gets off the phone with me to call B right away. B lets M's call ring through to voicemail I later find out. When I get off the phone with M, I call P. Maybe this was my mistake. P had wanted to know what changes needed to be made, so I called her and told her. I also said to her that M was not happy the budget of $Dollars.

So I guess P calls B and tells him M is upset with the budget. B then calls M, who lets his call ring to voicemail. B's message to M starts off with "I know you are upset with $Dollars..." So, M gets the message, and calls me and asks me what did I say to P? I reply, that I told her what I said on the phone, that ServiceTaskD was not possible and that when I repeated the budget amount, that it did not sit well with her (M). M says, well next time when we have a conversation, do not say anything to P or B because she (M) would not have let B know she was upset and did not want him to know. I say fine, I'm sorry. Then I go on to say that when we had our conference call with P, you (M) did not address ServiceTasks. She says to me, "well, the subject never came up." I'm thinking, WTF? This is her project! So I say to her, "But the conference call was your (M's) opportunity to provide input. Since I did not have input from you, I took guidance from B&P." I say, "I feel caught in the middle between you (M) and B&P, and I think you (M) should acknowledge that." To which she replys, "It is no longer productive to continue this conversation." I say, "OK." She hangs up.

I'm reeling. I'm sure I sounded distressed at some level, but I mostly kept my cool in my mind. But I think I made a mistake asking M to validate my feelings of being trapped. I should have just left my feelings out of it. But the thing is, if you could have been on the phone when she shot back with, "Well, the issue never came up." it was SO obvious in her tone that it was a defensive reaction because she knew she was wrong. But before I could think straight, I ask her to acknowledge my feelings. In hindsight, I should have just left my feelings out of it. So how badly did I screw up by saying that? I guess in the end, it may not matter what I or others think; only the way M feels. I would not put it past M to throw me under the bus when talking to B and blame me for not having the ServiceTasks correct.

After the phone calls, M sends an email to P and cc's me and B asking for the budget spreadsheet. P replies with and email with the budget attached and a message saying basically what I said (minus the feelings crap), "Sorry we did not do it right or to your (M's) liking, but that since you (M) did not provide clear and concise direction, we (P and I) followed B's lead on ServiceTasks and $Dollars." P also attaches my original email with all the questions and says, "ScopeWriter (me) sent you these questions, which you did not respond to; therefore we followed B's lead."

P's message clearly blames M for her lack of communication. But M can't hear it. She could not hear it from me; she can't hear it from P or B. She can't admit she's wrong, ever. Even on past projects I've done with just her, if I write something, and it isn't to her liking, it's always my fault, when really I'm quite competent. She is just not clear. But somehow I'm supposed to know exactly what she's thinking. Gah!

Everyone knows that M is like this, so much so that the last time we had this conflict (same exact situation, lack of guidance from M, scope not to her liking, etc.) B said to me, "Don't let M push you around. She has treated other staff poorly also." So I ask him, "Why do you keep her around when she treats your staff so poorly?" He says, "Because she is good at her projects and makes us money." It comes down to the all mighty dollar.

So, the last email in all of this drama comes from me, who has yet to say anything in email. I wait several hours to let M cool off. Then late evening I write M an email with a second list of questions asking her to confirm my understanding of how she wants it. I'm very specific and deliberate in what I ask. I cc P&B too. M replies with her answers, which is fine. Now I can do it how she wants it.

I think my mistakes were asking M to acknowledge my feeling trapped, and saying too much to P. I should have let M and P and B hash it out. But really, how was I supposed to do that? P asked me what changes M wanted. I feel quite at ease with P, so I said too much, and she relayed it to B because they have a great rapport. Like I said, P is a gem.

I have a feeling that because M feels put through the ringer, she might throw me under the bus to B and blame me for it not being how she wanted it. I'm hoping that B can see through that. Although I know in M's mind it is my fault because somehow I am supposed to read her mind. She has that expectation of me, and she doesn't like to be wrong, therefore it's always my fault when the product was not what she was envisioning. But, I don't think M can get rid of me because I'm her only staff. No one else will willingly work with her. Do you think there is any truth to that?