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  1. #1
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    Default Need some Mommy/Parenting advice

    Stachio is 3 yo. He's always been a mama's boy. I'm not really sure if it is because I BF'd him until 13 mos, because Mommy always avoids the same foods he has to (he allergic to dairy - so I've avoided due to nursing he and Peanut), or if it is just in his nature. It isn't because DH isn't involved. As a matter of fact, DH gets the kids ready every single morning and takes them to the sitters. He makes dinner every night and we generally do family dinners most nights, and we definitely split bedtime duties 50/50. The only real difference is that DH is routinely gone 1-2 nights a week and has been on several 4-8 day business trips. I'm usually home in the evening (I go to yoga 1-2x/mo and I've had play rehearsal 3-5x/week for the last 6 weeks).

    I remember the pediatrician saying that when #2 came along Stachio would likely switch to being a daddy's boy because mama always had to deal with the baby. Well that never happened.

    Where I need the advice is in figuring out Stachio's behavior when I'm around vs being just with Dad or both Dad & mom around. This is independent of me being in the play...this behavior has been becoming more and more frequent over the last 3 mo.

    So basically, when DH is the only parent home with the boys, Stachio generally listens and does as he's told/expected of him. Of course some days are not perfect...but he acts like a typical 3 yo.

    The minute I arrive home from work, Stachio won't listen to daddy, says he only wants me to do things with him (wash hands, take shoes off, get his dinner, pick up toys, etc) and yet he won't behave and listen to me. It used to be he'd ask for me, but then actually listen to me. For a while he was only this way when DH and I were both around, but now it is turning into him not listening when I'm the only parent home, too. Both are a problem.

    Furthermore, he's insisting on me helping him eat, brush his teeth, pull his pants down, take his shoes off, etc. All things he is perfectly capable of doing on his own.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I try to do the "little helper" role with him (which DH says works like a charm) but he just doesn't do it. I've tried talking on his level - physically so that I can look him in the eye, I've tried cajoling, we've tried Daddy only responding, we've tried mommy only responding, I feel like I've tried everything...but this is just getting worse. Which is bad because my patience is worn and I REALLY have to work to keep from yelling...lately, I've failed far too often.

    Why is this child - who says he wants me to do things with him, not willing to do things when I'm able to help him? Why is he insisting on me doing everything for him, when he doesn't do that with DH?

    I WOTH and have a long commute. I used to do evening pick up, but our new babysitter just walks the kids over since she lives so close. Is this a response to our time together? We try to make it so he and I have at least an hour or two just the two of us every week...but even then he gets stubborn and we end up spending too much of our time together in time-out, or just plain not listening.

    I love him dearly...and I don't want his memories of mom to be her being frustrated and yelling...but I just don't know what else to do. How do I break this crazy mama's boy/not listening to mom train that we've managed to get on??

    Sorry if this is confusing...and would love to hear all of you're wise words.

    Oh...Ironic....at this time last year I was on Maternity leave and I was with the kids every day...I had NO where near this much trouble keeping Stachio in check...DH was the one struggling. Is is just the age???
    --------
    DS - Adopted by loving parents 1995
    DS1 7/2009 ('Stachio)
    DS2 9/2011 (Peanut)

  2. #2
    hillview's Avatar
    hillview is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    So is the underlying issue that he won't do things independently -- thing you KNOW he can do by himself? I also read the "not listening" but not sure if that is beyond the doing things for himself?

    At age 3 I picked my battles and even now DS1 sometimes wants me to help him pick out his clothes and help him put cream cheese on his bagel (DS2 will do both himself not wanting help). Honestly I often indulge him. Like you I work OOTH and travel for work often. I think for DS1 it helps him feel cared for and connected.

    We use chore charts and both DSs really really like them. At age 3 it might be a little too soon. Could you pick ONE thing and have him do that ONE thing solo and reward that behavior?
    DS #1 Summer 05
    DS #2 Summer 07

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by hillview View Post
    So is the underlying issue that he won't do things independently -- thing you KNOW he can do by himself? I also read the "not listening" but not sure if that is beyond the doing things for himself?

    At age 3 I picked my battles and even now DS1 sometimes wants me to help him pick out his clothes and help him put cream cheese on his bagel (DS2 will do both himself not wanting help). Honestly I often indulge him. Like you I work OOTH and travel for work often. I think for DS1 it helps him feel cared for and connected.

    We use chore charts and both DSs really really like them. At age 3 it might be a little too soon. Could you pick ONE thing and have him do that ONE thing solo and reward that behavior?
    I guess I didn't explain very well. The situation last night will hopefully illustrate. DH was home with the kids all day. Stachio behaved all day for DH, listened to him and did what he was told (pick up toys, get shoes on to go the the park, wash hands for lunch, etc). These are all things he can do independently and usually he does (ok, we "inspect" hand washing and teeth brushing where we actually wash/brush, but Stachio usually prefers to do these things on his own first, then we "inspect"). DH will say, "Stachio, please wash your hands," and Stachio will run into the bathroom and start washing his hands. DH will ask him to pick up and usually he does...or if he starts complaining/not doing it, DH will do the "little helper" routine and they will pick up toys together.

    So I got home from work last night. DH asked Stachio take his shoes off and go wash his hands for dinner. Immediately Stachio, started whining that he wanted me to do it. So I said, "Sure, I'll help you, lets take off your shoes, first." He wouldn't do it. So I just did it...no biggie. Then we get into the bathroom...first he wanted me to go with him, then he wanted me to carry him into the bathroom. Then he just didn't want to wash his hands, or let me wash them either. I just washed them despite protests and him pulling his hands away. When he first started protesting...I suggested he wash them, but he wouldn't do that either.

    After dinner, I asked him to help me clean up the toys. Some were his and some were Peanut's, but Peanut fell asleep. He just plain refused to pick up anything with me.

    Similarly he will refuse to go potty when I know he has to go (he's been PT since Aug). Or he'll agree to go, but insists that I have to pull his pants down.

    So I guess it is two things.
    1. He is super clingy and insists that I do things he is fully capable of doing independently.
    2. He will not listen to me when I give him direction, where previously he would. (I expect to get resistance...but this is outside of the "norm" for Stachio).

    ETA: Maybe it is 3 things...
    3. This behavior only occurs when I'm around. If I'm gone...significantly few instances of this sort of behavior.
    Last edited by BabbyO; 10-17-2012 at 03:07 PM.
    --------
    DS - Adopted by loving parents 1995
    DS1 7/2009 ('Stachio)
    DS2 9/2011 (Peanut)

  4. #4
    PunkyBoo is online now Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Boo is also 3 and does similar things as you're describing. I think for him, he misses me during the day when I'm at work but struggles to verbalize that feeling. So he acts like a baby as a way to get me to baby him a little more. I haven't figured out the not listening thing - my guess is it's just a defiant 3year old thing. But Boo even told me the other night that he wants to be a baby again, and asked hoe he can"grow into a baby" . I really think he's just asking for extra mommy-ing. I'm sure your son is probably feeling that more due to having a younger sibling, too.

    Mama to DS1 Punkin (2/04) and DS2 Boo (1/09)

  5. #5
    hillview's Avatar
    hillview is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Sounds like he wants your attention. I might try to solve it in a way where you get more 1:1 time with him. It is HARD I know.
    DS #1 Summer 05
    DS #2 Summer 07

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by hillview View Post
    Sounds like he wants your attention. I might try to solve it in a way where you get more 1:1 time with him. It is HARD I know.
    That is what I was thinking, too. But then when he acts out when he does just have me 1:1, well, that just plain confused me.

    Maybe it is because Peanut is getting bigger and demands more of my attention, too. When he was small...it was easy to just hand Peanut off to daddy or anyone (who doesn't love to hold the new baby while Mom takes care of the toddler), but now Peanut is becoming a toddler and I suppose Stachio thinks he has to demand more of my attention. Oye!

    I hadn't really thought of that...but it has gotten worse as Peanut has gotten more mobile...
    --------
    DS - Adopted by loving parents 1995
    DS1 7/2009 ('Stachio)
    DS2 9/2011 (Peanut)

  7. #7
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    I was recently totally out of commission with an injury while I was pregnant. My DH usually does almost none of the child care, because I am a SAHM, but he was forced to take over hugely. DS also went into school full time. He coped very well, but as I started to get better, he exhibited behavior just like what you are describing. I attributed it to his missing me and also to a little bit of his subconsciously punishing me for not having been there for him in the way he needed. Another way of thinking about it for me was that he was testing whether I would be able to be there for him even if he was "bad". Honestly, my cat punishes me when I go out of town. The cat is thrilled to bits that I'm back but will give me the cold shoulder a bit and misbehave to see what I'll do when I come back. I really think it's a similar thing. With my DS, I just had to love him up and try my very best to be understanding. It was only time that helped the situation get better. I'm sorry you're having to cope with this. It's frustrating!!!

  8. #8
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    DS was this way at 3 too, esp with DH (not so much with me). I would find when DH got home, DS would be DONE listening to me, and much more whiny, etc. I think he would feel like he needed DH's attention, and wouldn't know how to verbalize it, like a PP said. It still happens now and then (he's 4) but much less often.

    We had a few strategies to deal with it:

    - When DH got home from work, he'd take a few minutes to give DS some special loving - e.g. sit him on his lap and talk to him, ask him about his day, tickle him, tell him a silly story. 5 minutes tops, and not alone - DD or I would frequently be around, but the conversation was primarily one-on-one. But it would set the tone for the evening, and then when DH would say - let's have dinner together. Why don't you run and wash your hands? - DS would do often run off happily.

    - Turn things into a game. "Let's see who washes their hands first" Race him to the bathroom etc.

    -Indulge sometimes - like when he gets whiny, DH says "Aww, poor thing, you need my help" and then baby him a bit, but in an affectionate way, almost treating it like a joke, and not making DS feel bad about it.

    - Set limits for the other things - "Let me know when you're ready for my help washing your hands. In the meantime I'm going to eat dinner." This would usually result in a tantrum, but it was short lived and got the message across - washing hands/whatever is not optional, but I'm not going to stand around arguing/indulging/persuading, let me know when you're ready, otherwise I'm carrying on without you.
    Mom to Mr. Sunshine 9/08
    and Miss Happiness 3/11

  9. #9
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    Thanks everyone....I was starting to feel like I was going crazy!

    Quote Originally Posted by truly scrumptious View Post
    DS was this way at 3 too, esp with DH (not so much with me). I would find when DH got home, DS would be DONE listening to me, and much more whiny, etc. I think he would feel like he needed DH's attention, and wouldn't know how to verbalize it, like a PP said. It still happens now and then (he's 4) but much less often.

    We had a few strategies to deal with it:

    - When DH got home from work, he'd take a few minutes to give DS some special loving - e.g. sit him on his lap and talk to him, ask him about his day, tickle him, tell him a silly story. 5 minutes tops, and not alone - DD or I would frequently be around, but the conversation was primarily one-on-one. But it would set the tone for the evening, and then when DH would say - let's have dinner together. Why don't you run and wash your hands? - DS would do often run off happily.

    - Turn things into a game. "Let's see who washes their hands first" Race him to the bathroom etc.

    -Indulge sometimes - like when he gets whiny, DH says "Aww, poor thing, you need my help" and then baby him a bit, but in an affectionate way, almost treating it like a joke, and not making DS feel bad about it.

    - Set limits for the other things - "Let me know when you're ready for my help washing your hands. In the meantime I'm going to eat dinner." This would usually result in a tantrum, but it was short lived and got the message across - washing hands/whatever is not optional, but I'm not going to stand around arguing/indulging/persuading, let me know when you're ready, otherwise I'm carrying on without you.
    Thanks for the great strategies. I can cope much better if I have a few strategies in my pocket...not just the same ole' same ole'. I think I really need to work on the immediate 1:1 time...which I KNOW has fallen to the wayside since I get home, nurse Peanut, scramble to get the kids started on dinner, eat, and rush off to play practice all in less than an hour.

    We'll give it a try tonight!
    --------
    DS - Adopted by loving parents 1995
    DS1 7/2009 ('Stachio)
    DS2 9/2011 (Peanut)

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by BabbyO View Post

    Maybe it is because Peanut is getting bigger and demands more of my attention, too. When he was small...it was easy to just hand Peanut off to daddy or anyone (who doesn't love to hold the new baby while Mom takes care of the toddler), but now Peanut is becoming a toddler and I suppose Stachio thinks he has to demand more of my attention. Oye!

    I hadn't really thought of that...but it has gotten worse as Peanut has gotten more mobile...
    I think this could definitely be part of it. It sounds like he is wanting you to do things for him like you do for his brother (helping with clothes and shoes, picking up toys, etc). I've found that though the initial new-baby adjustment period gets the most hype, it really is a series of adjustments as the new sibling hits different stages. PPs have given good advice I think, and remember, this too shall pass.
    Allison

    DD1 11/05
    DS 04/08
    DD2 11/11

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