Little liars....

[Melaine]

how do you deal with lying?

I know this is typical and normal, but I am having a hard time dealing with it. I honestly haven't caught them lying much in the past but they are doing it a LOT now. (they are 6).

I have been around a lot of kids and I feel like it is not usually that difficult to determine who is lying. I have three younger siblings and babysat a lot. But with these two, I honestly have NO idea. I feel like they know each other so well, they are better at lying against each other.

Today, I took the trash out for like 2 minutes and left them watching a tv show. I came back and DD2 told me DD1 had done something I had told her not to do. DD1 claimed she did no such thing and that DD2 was lying. DD2 said that DD1 was TOO doing it and also that DD1 told DD2 if she told me that she would hit her!

I grilled them for a couple minutes, but they both ended up in tears and I have absolutely no idea but one of them is LYING through her teeth.

[fivi2]

Sorry, I know you aren't amused. Mine usually cave quickly (especially if I say I believe them because I know they wouldn't lie) so no advice. The teen years are going to be fun, aren't they?

[Melaine]

Sorry, I know you aren't amused. Mine usually cave quickly (especially if I say I believe them because I know they wouldn't lie) so no advice. The teen years are going to be fun, aren't they?

have I mentioned I am terrified of the teen years? I guess I have....

DH came home, separated them, and was able to get DD1 to confess, that she did indeed lie. And she was clearly guilty about it which I guess is a good thing. But seriously.....UGH.

[katerinasmom]

My youngest is 5. She lies all the time. I am at the end of my rope with this kid. I give her consequences for lying, I talk to her about the importance of telling the truth - about needing to be able to trust what she tells me in case something bad happens, etc. Nothing seems to work.
Sometimes it's hard to tell but she does have a "lying face" when she lies. On occassion she'll say something which I believe is a lie and she'll say "I don't know why I have my lying face on. I'm not lying." She usually fesses up eventually. And if she is really telling the truth, she is very very offended and upset when I don't believe her initially.

[o_mom]

My first rule is that unless the infraction is serious (as in causing injury, blood, fire, etc.) I don't take second-hand reports. It just sets up the situation of giving them power over their siblings to say "DS did this or that" and nobody like a tattle-tale. Mine especially like to gloat about their brother getting in trouble, so we try to minimize that. When they do, the gloater usually gets the same consequence as the troublemaker.

If I know (or strongly suspect) they did something, I don't ask and give them the opportunity to lie. It is just too hard at that age for them to overcome the impulse to save face or avoid consequences by lying. If they insist on lying about it, I just tell them "I know that's not true. Stop lying." If they continue to argue they can spend time in their room.

[egoldber]

I agree with o_mom. I would be very careful of setting up the dynamic of one sibling "tattling" on the other for minor things. I would make it clear to them that unless it is an issue of true safety/imminent danger, that it is not their responsibility to inform you/DH about minor infractions.

And I agree that it is a lot to expect of a kid to admit to lying when they know there will be a consequence. If you know who did something, I wouldn't ask, just tell them. If you don't know, then I would weigh the consequences of forcing them into a position where lying seems like the better option (to them) vs. just letting it go.

[brittone2]

I agree with o_mom. I would be very careful of setting up the dynamic of one sibling "tattling" on the other for minor things. I would make it clear to them that unless it is an issue of true safety/imminent danger, that it is not their responsibility to inform you/DH about minor infractions.

And I agree that it is a lot to expect of a kid to admit to lying when they know there will be a consequence. If you know who did something, I wouldn't ask, just tell them. If you don't know, then I would weigh the consequences of forcing them into a position where lying seems like the better option (to them) vs. just letting it go.

And sometimes I think getting wrapped up in whether or not is a lie, etc. ends up distracting from whatever the first issue was. So sometimes I go back and revisit why we have X rule, because getting caught up in did they lie, didn't they lie, trying to make them confess, etc. seems to just distract from the initial issue at hand, which is IMO often more important.

[fivi2]

I know that with my two we get into these situations and it isn't always tattling. I walk in and see something spilled, broken, someone hurt, etc and ask what happened. Even just a - wow is everyone okay? And they both start in with their own version of events. Both of which can't be true.

Usually I just tell them since I didn't see it they both need to clean it up. Since by then they are usually yelling at each other I am okay with making both help.

But I try not to let it escalate into pinning them down on the "truth ". Which is often somewherein the middle. I just say I believe you both because you wouldn't lie (mean guilt trip) so lets get this picked up. I guess I am saying I just don't invest the energy kn sorting out lies. It is all so grey to them still I think they sometimes believe what they are saying.

I do feel like the same age (twin) factor impacts it but without having other kids, I could be wrong.

[Melaine]

And sometimes I think getting wrapped up in whether or not is a lie, etc. ends up distracting from whatever the first issue was. So sometimes I go back and revisit why we have X rule, because getting caught up in did they lie, didn't they lie, trying to make them confess, etc. seems to just distract from the initial issue at hand, which is IMO often more important.

good point. in this case, lying really was the issue I was more concerned about...the whole thing just went really badly. I think I will be able to handle it better next time.

[sste]

No advice, just wanted to note that child lying is so visceral for me. I logically know that there is magical thinking, punishment avoidance, etc, etc. But it so disconcerting - - in particular when they lie well!! I start imagining future wall street fraud, cheating on their SATs etc and I feel my blood pressure rising. It feels like a slap in the face to my top priority for my kids' development. It is an emotional issue for many adults, especially when they have emphasized values education. Even though we know rationally it is a normal part of childhood.