Looking for guidance on next steps for school for DD

[janine]

DD is 4 and a Sept baby. She is the youngest in her pre-K class but it is only 6 girls. She's at a play based church nursery, 2hrs a day, same as last year.

Last year (age 3) I didn't worry too much, as long as she was getting social interaction and having fun it was a success to me. She is on the shy and very quiet at school (not at home though). This year they are starting to tell me she is lagging socially, physically..and just younger than the rest. Ok, fine. A little surprising considering the safe and small size of the class (the social piece) but not entirely.

But this was in October and here the teacher was telling me I should consider holding her back only one month in. She said she might change her mind but never had in 15 years. I do understand her suggestion and something I was considering anyway, but didn't really appreciate her writing off DD so early. Why not work with DD a bit especially with a teacher/ratio of 1:3! I now feel like the remainder of this year is a waste and just a glorified play group. DD is very smart, is ahead of most at this point in terms of basic academc skills, but yes very quiet when among others and shy so I feel like i need to really think about some choices for this next year since it could be the difference between thriving and just biding time.

My choices (all involve holding her back), are to keep her at this school and go to an inbetween class (almost 5's) which allows for consistency but also would be little change or progress I believe other than more play and hoping DD matures and comes out of her shell on her own. Other options are moving her elsewhere - maybe Montessori type schools (less structure by age, more supportive of each child's style) or going private (more academic focus and actual curriculum that she might be able to find a niche). There are negatives to both though, means potentially switching schools 2 times before going to the public elementary school. And with private this would very expensive and it starts to only make more sense if you stick it out for the long haul which is just too pricey at this age for us.

Not sure what I'm hoping to hear but had to write it out and maybe there's a mom here who's had some experience that is similar. Even if just with the different types of schools and styles.

[sste]

I have not dealt with this decision but as an outside observer with insomnia who is posting away . . . this teacher isn't exactly confidence inspiring. I would have a hard time trusting her judgment. And I would wonder if my child might thrive with a different teacher/environment in kindy. Is there another professional you can get an opinion from? Would it be possible to enroll DD in another class - - perhaps not preschool but art or a special learning class about animals and observe her in a different environment?

I also don't think "shy" is likely to change in the next year - -that is a temperament trait.

FWIW, our plan with our kids (who are oldish for grade but have other quirks) is to try the public first and then if we are not happy to switch to private. We want to give the public a chance before shelling out alot of $$!!

[nfowife]

Just from the teacher's perspective, and I obviously have no idea about this particular situation, but in cases of maturity it is often evident right from the start. Not saying this is your particular situation, but we were encouraged by school leadership to mention retention at the first possible sign it might be a recommendation. That way it wasn't a surprise at the end of the year.

[crl]

I would really think about whether to hold her back. And we did hold my ds back so I'm not opposed to the idea. We held ds back because he was socially immature and overall developmentally delayed. He was a special education student and was getting therapy and had an aid in an inclusion preschool setting. So he was getting very specific support for the issues we had identified in deciding to hold him back.

I would consider a different preschool for the remainder of the year if you feel like this one isn't providing good support for your dd. I would go less on philosophy and more on whether you think the environment is good at helping shy kids develop social skills. Sometimes I think a bigger class can actually be better for some kids because it provides a wider range of potential friends.

Catherine

[JustMe]

I echo the sentiment that "shy" seems like an odd reason to hold a child back. If you have not already done so, I would get more details from the teacher about what her concerns are socially and physically for your dd (I think those were the areas you mentioned). I would also ask her how/if she plans to work with your dd on these areas for the rest of the year.

I would agree it seems early to make such a determination, but I would want the above info before making further decisions.

[janine]

Thanks everyone. What the teacher mentioned as specifics are that DD still parallel plays and the other girls baby her. She is "quiet as a mouse" and always takes the longest to get moving. She said this is fine based on her age which is "young" but that she would benefit from another year just for building confidence and maturing (her academic skills are just fine).

On one hand, ok, I think she might benefit from an extra year rather than always being the youngest, quietest, smallest. But I do wonder if an extra year would change some of these traits. Maybe a more supportive environment that she clicked better with might help her confidence more than just passage of time? It's so hard to say for sure. I'm a laid back mom type and don't want to move her all around but also want to do the right thing of course since this decision at this age could make some difference in whether or not she thrives rather than just be present.

The idea of an enrichment class to at least have another observer is a good idea. The only thing is that this is the time of year for enrollment which is why I'm starting to dig deeper and do some research...

[ZeeBaby]

Depending on the situation DD came into it might be hard for her to relate to the other girls. Sadly even in preschool there are already cliques established and some kids might go daily and naturally interact with each other more. At DD1's school many of the girls go to a dance together and live near each other. I noticed that she doesn't bond as much with them as she does with her cousins or children of my friends. I would try DD in another setting by adding a class as suggested by PP, but also watch her interaction with others to see if this is limited to the school setting.

I would also want the teacher to explain the plan to resolve some of the issues she identified. I don't know the teacher or your DD, but October seems so young to label such a young child and I wonder how her early characterization will effect her working diligently with your DD.

[123LuckyMom]

I would consider changing her school. It may be difficult for her if she's shy, but a class of six girls doesn't give her many options for finding friendships or changing her status in the group. A larger group or a school where several classes have play time together may help. If you can find her another group outside of school, as PPs have suggested, I think that would be a good first step. I wouldn't rule out giving her an extra year, but I would worry that leaving her in that school for the extra year might just be giving her more of the same and wouldn't really give her an opportunity to stretch her wings.

[sariana]

If she is on track academically, I would have serious reservations about holding her back. I agree that a bigger class might have been better, but I don't know that it's a good idea to move at this point (unless less she is unhappy). Maybe you could find Other social activities (sports? music?) that would give her other, different opportunities to blossom socially.

Speaking from personal experience, I can say that being young is not in and of itself a detriment. I was quite young in school (July b-day PLUS I skipped a grade). I did have social issues, but they were not because of my age. "Waiting one more year" would not have helped, and I would have been bored.

A social skills class would be a good thing to research, as well.

Good luck in your decision. Whatever choice you mak regarding school, your faith in your DD always will remain the most important factor.

[redhookmom]

In our district there are preK and pre first classes leading to a very old first grade class. So the traditionally aged kindergartner who is on the young side would be very young.

Do a lot of children go to the almost 5 class? Is this something that you would need to consider?