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  1. #51
    kijip is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    What outcome of this situation would have satisfied you? What "explanation" would have left you in less of a lurch? She is no longer available, for whatever reason. Quite frankly I think it is a huge, almost fantastical, stretch to consider this a moral or religious failing.

    The explanation could be ANYTHING, perhaps of an emergency nature, perhaps not. But you don't know and you assume in anger that it must be trivial and irresponsible. No matter what it is, you are not entitled to personal details of her life.

    Nannying is a different sort of job, perhaps. It is still, however, very much a JOB and the employees (or would be employees) still very much have the same rights of self determination. If you or your spouse accepted an offer and then had to change your plans due to a health emergency with a child or opted to because of a MUCH better offer/opportunity, would you really take the first job you had accepted anyways? Even if it was way more compensation or if taking the job meant your weren't meeting your family's needs? Being a nanny doesn't mean that the nanny is under an obligation to take a job that, for whatever reason, is no longer the best job for her anymore than you would reasonably expect your previous nanny not to move on for benefits etc. Plans and life change suddenly, sometimes in a day. Give her the benefit of the doubt and focus on what you can do- look for a new nanny.

    Moreover, calling and trash talking her is in poor taste and just feeds your anger and negative thoughts about the situation. Calming down and moving on is a healthier way to resolve this. It's better for YOU. Your feedback isn't going to sound all that persuasive to people who have known her for a long time and may know more details than she shared with you or be personally happy she found a a better offer if that is the case.
    Last edited by kijip; 12-29-2012 at 04:24 AM.
    Katie, mama to a pair of boys.

  2. #52
    brgnmom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Sorry OP that you've had to find an alternative childcare option last-minute.

    I do think that it is unnecessary to contact the references and pastor -they served as references while making the decision to hire the nanny. For whatever unknown reason, she is no longer available as a nanny for your family. I would appreciate that she informed you prior to starting the job, and let it go. I wouldn't contact the pastor or other references whatsoever.

  3. #53
    kijip is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by magnoliaparadiso View Post
    I would not have hired her because continuing a relationship with a past nanny is important to me. I didn't know to ask. So... I know this is not your story, but it just reminded me of the importance of references.
    I know that many nannies and families feel that they become "family" but fundamentally the relationship is employer-employee. No matter how close a child becomes to a caregiver, the caregivers are still compensated employees and are generally doing it primarily because they need the money. I think it is pretty intrusive to expect access to someone's life after any employment ends as a condition of the employment. Do you HAVE to go and see any of your past employers? Heck, I told my last employer I would start BILLING them for anymore questions (the answers to which were extremely, if not excessively, documented by me while I worked there) after the first month.
    Katie, mama to a pair of boys.

  4. #54
    kijip is offline Pink Diamond level (15,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by ett View Post
    Having never been in a position of personally hiring a nanny, I'm basing my opinions on accepting a job offer with a company. When I accept a job offer with a company, I sign a contract, and it is in poor form to pull out of the contract to accept another better offer, especially in a narrow field where you rely on your connections for future jobs. I guess this is not the case with nannies.
    I'd wager you make more than a nanny and that your company, when you sign the contract, is giving you some benefits for doing so (like more than an at-will ability for THEM to renege or let you go without compensation.) Also I'd wager that no one wants someone who is only there because of a contract to be watching their children.
    Katie, mama to a pair of boys.

  5. #55
    janine is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by ett View Post
    Having never been in a position of personally hiring a nanny, I'm basing my opinions on accepting a job offer with a company. When I accept a job offer with a company, I sign a contract, and it is in poor form to pull out of the contract to accept another better offer, especially in a narrow field where you rely on your connections for future jobs. I guess this is not the case with nannies.

    If it is okay for the nanny to pull out of a permanent job less than 24 hours before her start date, what kind of guarantee do I have if I'm hiring a nanny that she will show up on the first day and not pull out at the last minute. Should I be lining up several others as backups?

    I think it is just common courtesy if she had to pull out like this to offer a little more explanation than what she's given, especially since she was so excited about the job just days earlier.

    And precisely because this IS an employee-employer set up. In any line of profession it is extremely unprofessional to accept a job and then bail and erase all email contact routes. Who said she can't take another better position? That's fine, but be an adult about it and call and notify the person and apologize for the extreme short notice or maybe offer to assist in finding another lead. That would be the more adult and professional thing to do and also (and this piece doesn't necessarily relate to general professionalism) compassionate which to me is something I would want to see in a nanny's decision making process, so it is therefore relevant to future employers she may be selling herself to. I see the pastor as nothing more than the most recent reference, maybe because I'm not religious, didn't see it as anything more.

  6. #56
    kristenk is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I think the main issue is HOW the nanny quit not that she quit at all. Of course she is allowed to quit her job and it's probably better for the kid(s) to quit before starting instead of giving notice and leaving 2 weeks after her start date.

    But quitting via email, closing her account and then not responding to ANY messages just seems...odd and unprofessional, especially considering the recent contact and her enthusiasm for the position. If she's going to throw someone's childcare arrangements out the window, it seems as if she could at least call and talk to OP.

    As far as contacting references go, I'm torn. If I were a reference for the nanny, I'd sort of want to know what happened. I understand that my reference should be based on my experience with the applicant, but I don't want to keep offering a glowing reference for someone who doesn't follow through, ykwim?

    OP, I really don't think that the nanny's actions should affect how you feel about the pastor and the church. The nanny flaked on you for some reason. I'm guessing that the pastor's (and the other references') experience with the nanny was different than yours was.

  7. #57
    arivecchi is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Agree with PP. The issue is not that she quit, but how she went about it - in an extremely unprofessional manner. If you accept a job in person or over a live call, you do not renege via email. That is professionalism 101. To put this nanny's actions in perspective, when my nanny's brother died unexpectedly, she was still worried about who would look after my kids. Of course, we told her not to even worry about it, but she obviously took her job seriously.

    OP dodged a bullet because this nanny flaked in a bad way before she could hurt the OP's kids, but I would still get back to the references in a very matter of fact manner and tell them that she reneged on an accepted offer. They should know in case they get requests for future references.

    I can't imagine that anyone here would think the reverse is true - that is is perfectly acceptable to fire a nanny via email with zero notice unless the nanny had breached the family's trust.
    Last edited by arivecchi; 12-29-2012 at 12:28 PM.
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  8. #58
    ha98ed14 is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by kijip View Post
    What outcome of this situation would have satisfied you? What "explanation" would have left you in less of a lurch? She is no longer available, for whatever reason. Quite frankly I think it is a huge, almost fantastical, stretch to consider this a moral or religious failing.

    The explanation could be ANYTHING, perhaps of an emergency nature, perhaps not. But you don't know and you assume in anger that it must be trivial and irresponsible. No matter what it is, you are not entitled to personal details of her life.

    Nannying is a different sort of job, perhaps. It is still, however, very much a JOB and the employees (or would be employees) still very much have the same rights of self determination. If you or your spouse accepted an offer and then had to change your plans due to a health emergency with a child or opted to because of a MUCH better offer/opportunity, would you really take the first job you had accepted anyways? Even if it was way more compensation or if taking the job meant your weren't meeting your family's needs? Being a nanny doesn't mean that the nanny is under an obligation to take a job that, for whatever reason, is no longer the best job for her anymore than you would reasonably expect your previous nanny not to move on for benefits etc. Plans and life change suddenly, sometimes in a day. Give her the benefit of the doubt and focus on what you can do- look for a new nanny.

    Moreover, calling and trash talking her is in poor taste and just feeds your anger and negative thoughts about the situation. Calming down and moving on is a healthier way to resolve this. It's better for YOU. Your feedback isn't going to sound all that persuasive to people who have known her for a long time and may know more details than she shared with you or be personally happy she found a a better offer if that is the case.
    ITA. We have no idea why this woman flaked. Maybe her domineering husband/boyfriend found out she was ISO another job and made her quit and close the account. Maybe he felt threatened by the idea of her in someone else's house with possible access to other men, but felt okay about her working in a church office. Maybe it's not that, but we really have no idea. IMO, The only reason to call her references and tell them how unprofessional she was is revenge, a desire to stick it to her because she did left OP in a lurch. We can call it concern for future people who might employ her, but really, what business is it of ours? We don't know her future employers, and certainly don't owe them anything. If she was going to work for your neighbor or BFF, I could see saying something to them, the future employer, but not the former ones (references), but this is all hypothetical. How do we even know if she will be looking for a new job. Maybe is staying at the church?
    Last edited by ha98ed14; 12-29-2012 at 12:43 PM.
    Mommy to my One & Only 05.07

  9. #59
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    I agree that the nanny should have called, but in rereading the original post, the OP called the nanny's cell phone-- fine, and then sent an email to her personal account expressing how upset she was and how disappointed her daughter was. Honestly, at that point, if I were the nanny, I might feel harassed and like I was dealing with a not so safe person. I'm certainly not saying the OP is that way, but I do know people who get a little crazy and keep beating a dead horse. If I were the nanny, whether I had intended to explain further prior to that point, I would not have called or emailed after receiving that upset email. Remember, email does not convey tone very well, and OP is clearly very upset. I wonder what that email "sounded" like to the nanny. It's not as if OP's desire for an explanation was going to make the situation change. The nanny was not going to take the job. I wouldn't want to open myself to being chastised, especially if there were personal extenuating circumstances as to why I made the decision I did. The whole situation is very unfortunate. I feel for the OP. I really do, but if I were in the OP's shoes, I'd take a few deep breaths and move on. This nanny was not meant to be her nanny, but the unsatisfying, apparent flake-out doesn't necessarily mean the nanny is a bad person either. There's just no way to know without more information. The pastor's opinion of the nanny is unlikely to change, and I don't think the OP will come across well in that exchange. I think there's just no satisfaction to be had here. It sucks, no doubt. OP, I really hope you find a reliable, trustworthy nanny very, very soon!

  10. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by Melaine View Post
    I do think it is highly inappropriate (for you to contact anyone). Look, this is business. She found a better job and took it. Would it have been better for her to come and quit after one day? No. It's super disappointing but these things happen.
    VERY well said!
    Mama to Bumbee. A VERY busy girl...
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