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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by megs4413 View Post
    -what a terrible attitude. first world problems.
    I don't discount her feelings one bit, but she certainly sounds like one bitter, sad person. I wonder if there are some cultural/generational differences at play here? I don't SAH but I can still see many valid and fulfilling reasons for doing so. And the part about volunteering just makes me sad.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kindra178 View Post
    It's just not that easy to head back to Wall Street on a whim.
    No, but there are many other career paths open to someone with those skills and that kind of education. I have a friend who worked on Wall Street for years with an Ivy league degree. A few years back she made a conscious decision to leave that behind, move to a quieter place...and she is now a successful writer.
    DS, Summer '07

    "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." ~Jack Layton

  2. #22
    BayGirl2 is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gracemom View Post
    I think she makes some good points that a mom should consider before deciding to stay at home. I like her openness. I think we have a lot to learn from each other. I don't regret staying at home, but I do regret not keeping more involved in my career. Going back to work is very intimidating after 10 years of being out of the workforce.
    Quote Originally Posted by TwinFoxes View Post
    I think two things to keep in mind, one, she lives in Britain, so there may be cultural differences at play, and two, she seems a fair bit older than most of our members if she was reading The Feminine Mystique in 1970. It seems she's looking back in her 50s or 60s. I'm guessing her experiences are different. For example, she says her kids know what a job looked like and she didn't have one. Well, nowadays lots of people telecommute or work from home. Also, today she'd have the chance to make money blogging, or running a startup, or consulting from home once her kids got older, opportunities that didn't exist really 20+ years ago. I guess she trying to caution us, but I feel like saying "I'm not you".

    Although I do agree she missed out on a lot of $$$ leaving her job. I do think about my languishing 401k sometimes. But it came with the territory.
    Yes to both of these. I agree she makes good points. I don't think the decision to WOHM or SAHM should be one you make only based on immediate pressures or in the midst of the post partum period. It really needs to be something you think about in advance and reconsider as you get into parenthood and at different times. And I think there is more of a spectrum of career involvement vs. just FT work versus zero WOH. It sounds like there's a lot she didn't consider and listing those concerns for others is helpful IMO.

    I also got the sense that this article was only partially complete - like it was over edited down or pimped up to be more controversial. And if she is 10-20 years beyond most of us here I think that does change the dynamic quite a bit. I am a very career driven, professional WOHM but the work-from-home position I have right now would not have existed 10 years ago.
    Amy

    DS - June 2009
    DD - September 2011

  3. #23
    edurnemk is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by athompson View Post
    I'm sorry she feels this way. I could not disagree with her more.


    I don't measure my life success by money, to me it's just a means to an end, it seems her regrets are very much financially based. I cannot place a value on the time spent with my kids. I know I'm very fortunate in that we don't need my income, I also found that FOR ME corporate life wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I've been contacted about several job opportunities in my field since leaving the workforce ( including one today), but I am not even tempted. I view my SAH time also as a time to plan on a different path for my future. I plan to start a small business once both kids are in school and/or train in a different field. I KNOW my options are infinite and I am not limited to my previous field. Most of my SAHM friends are also taking that route.

    It's sad that she regrets 2 decades of her life. I hope she was just having a bad week when she wrote this, and sees she still has a good many years ahead to shape her life in any way she fancies. Most of my mom's friends, who were SAHMs for 20 years, later went back to school, started businesses, etc. And are all doing well and most importantly they seem HAPPY.

    I also find It sad that she, as does most of society, values a person solely on their financial worth, a job doesn't have to pay money for to be valuable.
    Last edited by edurnemk; 06-19-2013 at 01:19 AM.
    DS 1/08
    DD 7/2012

  4. #24
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    I did a little research on the author and I think she needs to find a way to reframe her successes. I find it rather crappy that she has so many regrets about staying home with her boys. Does she not think that bringing 3 human beings into this world and caring enough to devote her time to raising them to be good people is success? I know she didn't use those words, but to me, that's the jest of her article - she doesn't feel successful or meaningful. And, it's not like she just stayed home baking and doing housework. She has written 3 books, served as Board Chairman of a hospital and has had this blog for a while now. Do her kids really think she doesn't work just because she doesn't go to an office or to Wall Street everyday? I doubt it. She's probably around 50 (I couldn't find an exact age for her, but this is my guess based on info I did find). She has made a different life for herself with different rewards and payoffs. I know some women with full time careers in high positions - Senior VPs, etc. I rarely see them at school events, they miss out on a lot of their children's lives because of their careers. Funny thing is that I see these women as successful and making a lot of money, but I have often wondered if they will regret not spending more time with their kids once they are older and looking back. Money can never replace time and experiences. I also know a woman who will likely be able to retire in her mid 50s because she is single with no kids and has invested wisely. I am almost certain that she would trade early retirement for a family and the opportunity to stay home with children. I get it that some women make the choice to have a career and there are many here on this board who have made that choice. I am not looking to get flamed for those choices as the women who have made them may not have regrets at all. I just think if someone makes a decision to SAH or WOH, given a choice, they both have their pros and cons. I can't help but wonder if this author had decided to continue on her high power track, would she be regretting not spending more time with her kids and focusing on her career. She just strikes me as that kind of person - never satisfied.

    This article really angered me (and I am not at SAHM) because she seems to have taken for granted the opportunity that many women would love to have. She is wallowing in self pity and it is not becoming. She made a choice that was likely a good one for her kids. Does she really believe that a nanny raising her children would have been a better choice while she became a wealthy, high power career woman? Also, her youngest is 17, oldest 21 and she did not choose to stay home until her 3rd, so she hasn't been out of the work force as long as she makes it sound. Instead of sitting around, writing this blog and feeling sorry for herself, why doesn't she use some of that college education and intellect to do something about it? She needs to find something that she can focus on now, instead of regretting her life. It's pathetic.

  5. #25
    Globetrotter is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    She's entitled to her opinion, of course, and I know she's not the only SAHM who feels this way. She brings up some good points, and I have struggled with some of those issues, but in the end I've come to terms with it and chosen to embrace it. Whereas, I feel she is just down on the idea. The whole article sounds very cynical. However, I wasn't totally SAH until a few years ago so I didn't totally lose my identity to SAH.
    "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What? You, too? I thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Globetrotter View Post
    However, I wasn't totally SAH until a few years ago so I didn't totally lose my identity to SAH.
    See, this is the thing that is truly sad. She feels she has lost her identity to SAH, but if she were to honestly take a look at what she's done, that is not ONLY who she is. She has accomplished many things during the past 16-17 years that the majority of women never do.

  7. #27
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    "Why I [Don't] Regret Being a Stay-at-Home Mom"

    http://diaryofacorporatewife.com/201...y-at-home-mom/

  8. #28
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by wellyes View Post
    5 years is not 20 years. And jobs on trading floors do not go to to those looking for flexibility. I'm sure she's employable, but she'll never get back on the very competitive and VERY lucrative investment banking track she was on.

    I don't identify with her piece, but, I am not a particularly ambitious person. I do not think I am her target audience.
    Yeah that to 5 years not being 20 years. I know 2 women whose DH's got laid off around 55-57 years of age. Both women were in early to mid 50s and hadn't worked since their 20s. One was a teacher, went back to college to get certification again and could not find work. The other was college educated and ended up getting a position with Hallmark setting up their displays in stores Twenty years out of workforce even with recent training can be very difficult to get back from.

  9. #29
    niccig is offline Clean Sweep forum moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by niccig View Post
    Yeah that to 5 years not being 20 years. I know 2 women whose DH's got laid off around 55-57 years of age. Both women were in early to mid 50s and hadn't worked since their 20s. One was a teacher, went back to college to get certification again and could not find work. The other was college educated and ended up getting a position with Hallmark setting up their displays in stores Twenty years out of workforce even with recent training can be very difficult to get back from.
    ETA. I've read the article now.

    I don't find what she wrote to be insincere or provocative Maybe because I felt these same issues when I was a SAHM. I could see women who are happy SAHM not agreeing with her and being dismissive what she writes.

    Personally, I agree with many SAHPs not looking at long term costs. I didn't take into account the hit to my 401K or my earning potential when I stayed home. I did the same as the author - I looked at our lives and made a decision regarding short-term without considering long-term impact. In my circle of friends we've discussed financials and none of us looked at long-term implications of stopping work. I don't regret staying home with DS, it was right for our family at the time. What spurred me to look at entering workforce again was crunching the numbers of long term impact and DH's work not being as secure.

    I believe her reference to the whiff of the 1950's is to the traditional roles of the husband working and the wife taking care of house and kids. However, we don't live in times of job security like the 1950s where you could live on one income or when you worked for one company and that was it.

    I still hold that if you're out of work for 20 years as the author was, re-entering the workforce is very difficult unless you retrain and then choose areas of work carefully. Many people employed their entire lives who are in their late 50s are currently finding it difficult to get work. How is a SAHP with no work experience, or who hasn't kept up with changes (and when I was a SAHM I too felt my technology skills quickly deteriorate as didn't have access to all new programs) compete with people currently employed?

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by niccig View Post
    Yeah that to 5 years not being 20 years. I know 2 women whose DH's got laid off around 55-57 years of age. Both women were in early to mid 50s and hadn't worked since their 20s. One was a teacher, went back to college to get certification again and could not find work. The other was college educated and ended up getting a position with Hallmark setting up their displays in stores Twenty years out of workforce even with recent training can be very difficult to get back from.
    I guess I don't believe these "regrets" sprang up after 20 years. If she had them, they were there for many years and she made an affirmative choice each year, each day, for 20 years (or 17) to be at SAHM. There were many earlier points when she could have returned to work, and if it wasn't obvious to her when she initially decided to stay home, it certainly should have been as the years continued to go by that each year she remained home made the option of returning to work more difficult. The simple answer is she didn't really have the desire to WOTH or she would have at year 3 or 5, or 10 or somewhere else before she got to 20. Having made the choice to be a SAHM for as long as she did make her list of regrets ring hollow. I don't doubt that some woman who SAH have such regrets, but usually if they do, they don't stay SAHM moms.
    Last edited by westwoodmom04; 06-19-2013 at 06:35 AM.

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