Why I regret being a SAHM

[niccig]

I guess I don't believe these "regrets" sprang up after 20 years. If she had them, they were there for many years and she made an affirmative choice each year, each day, for 20 years (or 17) to be at SAHM. There were many earlier points when she could have returned to work, and if it wasn't obvious to her when she initially decided to stay home, it certainly should have been as the years continued to go by that each year she remained home made the option of returning to work more difficult. The simple answer is she didn't really have the desire to WOTH or she would have at year 3 or 5, or 10 or somewhere else before she got to 20. Having made the choice to be a SAHM for as long as she did make her list of regrets ring hollow. I don't doubt that some woman who SAH have such regrets, but usually if they do, they don't stay SAHM moms.

She didn't regret spending time with her kids, she is quite clear about that. I think the regrets come in when kids have graduated from high school and gone on to college. At least with the 2 women I know, they were still busy with their kids up until then. But by the time your youngest is at college, it is 20 yrs out of the work force. Yes, you can go back to work earlier and many SAHPs do. (And I'm using SAHP even though author just mentions SAHM as I know two SAHDs that I've had similar conversation with.) There's also a large amount of inertia to not go back to work, as it is a dramatic change to the family. I felt it too when changed things to go back to school. I just asked my mum and she had same experience when went back as a teacher, big upheaval to the family to change her role. If there's no real need, eg. financial, I can see not making that change until kids have left home.

I wonder if her use of the word "regret" is part of issue. She is grateful for the time with her sons, she writes she wanted to be with them, but as she looks ahead to the next 20 yrs of her life, she's wondering what she's going to do and if she can financially fund rest of life. I don't see her regretting the time with her kids, but regretting that she didn't try hard to try to find a way to keep some sort of work in her life. Again, 20 yrs out of workforce is large stumbling block to entering workforce again. She can retrain, she's mid-50s, but seeing that people in their 50s are new unemployables (see http://money.cnn.com/2013/02/26/news...les/index.html) there's no guarantee on getting work when you're in your 50s in old or new career, let alone going for first job in 20 yrs to add to age factor.

[maestramommy]

I did a little research on the author and I think she needs to find a way to reframe her successes. I find it rather crappy that she has so many regrets about staying home with her boys. Does she not think that bringing 3 human beings into this world and caring enough to devote her time to raising them to be good people is success? I know she didn't use those words, but to me, that's the jest of her article - she doesn't feel successful or meaningful. And, it's not like she just stayed home baking and doing housework. She has written 3 books, served as Board Chairman of a hospital and has had this blog for a while now. Do her kids really think she doesn't work just because she doesn't go to an office or to Wall Street everyday? I doubt it. She's probably around 50 (I couldn't find an exact age for her, but this is my guess based on info I did find). She has made a different life for herself with different rewards and payoffs. I know some women with full time careers in high positions - Senior VPs, etc. I rarely see them at school events, they miss out on a lot of their children's lives because of their careers. Funny thing is that I see these women as successful and making a lot of money, but I have often wondered if they will regret not spending more time with their kids once they are older and looking back. Money can never replace time and experiences. I also know a woman who will likely be able to retire in her mid 50s because she is single with no kids and has invested wisely. I am almost certain that she would trade early retirement for a family and the opportunity to stay home with children. I get it that some women make the choice to have a career and there are many here on this board who have made that choice. I am not looking to get flamed for those choices as the women who have made them may not have regrets at all. I just think if someone makes a decision to SAH or WOH, given a choice, they both have their pros and cons. I can't help but wonder if this author had decided to continue on her high power track, would she be regretting not spending more time with her kids and focusing on her career. She just strikes me as that kind of person - never satisfied.

This article really angered me (and I am not at SAHM) because she seems to have taken for granted the opportunity that many women would love to have. She is wallowing in self pity and it is not becoming. She made a choice that was likely a good one for her kids. Does she really believe that a nanny raising her children would have been a better choice while she became a wealthy, high power career woman? Also, her youngest is 17, oldest 21 and she did not choose to stay home until her 3rd, so she hasn't been out of the work force as long as she makes it sound. Instead of sitting around, writing this blog and feeling sorry for herself, why doesn't she use some of that college education and intellect to do something about it? She needs to find something that she can focus on now, instead of regretting her life. It's pathetic.

Thank you! So well said. I could not get over her statement that, "My kids think I do nothing." Seriously?? I don't do ANY of that huge list of things she did, yet my kids don't think I do nothing. Partly because my HUSBAND points out to them constantly about how much I do and WHY I do it (um, because I LOVE THEM!). She clearly says that she stayed home because she wanted to be with her kids more, and because their lives were getting out of control. Was none of this negotiated with her Dh?

Now clearly she missed out on several years of high tier income and retirement, so from a practical standpoint that was a significant sacrifice. It seems though, that her regrets focus more on other issues, and I am having a hard time relating, never mind feeling sympathy. She is in a demographic that clearly had choices, and it makes me really impatient that she is now whining over them. It's not like her life is over!

ETA: reading Nicciq's post, it's funny because SIL was just warning me about this. How I will feel about my life choices when the kids leave the nest. I think you can kill yourself agonizing over whether choices were "worth it." It was worth it when you made them. Why isn't that good enough? And now she has the rest of her life (at least another 20 years) to remake herself if she likes.

[niccig]

ETA: reading Nicciq's post, it's funny because SIL was just warning me about this. How I will feel about my life choices when the kids leave the nest. I think you can kill yourself agonizing over whether choices were "worth it." It was worth it when you made them. Why isn't that good enough? And now she has the rest of her life (at least another 20 years) to remake herself if she likes.

Melinda, I agree that if was worth it when she made it, it should still be, but I wonder if her regrets as she puts it, as she's now finding it difficult to remake herself as you point out that she can do. From what I've seen of couples that are 10-15 yrs ahead of DH and I, if you do want to remake yourself in your 50's, you may not be able to do so. And that's something that I think is only getting discussed now. People in their 50s have higher unemployment - the article I linked to was just one that I found that said people in their fifties are 20% less likely to get employed than younger people. They're too young to retire and too old to hire. Maybe the conversation needs to be that if you do step out of workforce for whatever reason and will remake yourself later to re-enter, that you do it before you're 50. Sad fact, but that's how things have changed.

[egoldber]

Well, I thought the article was heartfelt and sincere and it spoke to me. Having been back in the work force now for 4 years after being out 8, I can see that being out much longer could have had tremendous implications. I'm in my mid 40s and went back at 40. Most people my age are all in senior level positions OR are in positions held by people with a lot less education than I have. I started at a level MUCH lower than I left at. If I had stayed out 5 more years there is no way I could have come back into my former profession at all. And then I don't know what I would have done.

I don't necessarily regret being a SAHM, but I can see now that I absolutely did not consider the full long term impact on 1) my career, 2) our lifetime savings, and 3) our ability to help pay for college for our kids. I know that not everyone has as a goal being able to help their kids with college, but I know so many young people in the work force with truly crippling amounts of financial aid debt. In their mid 20s, they are blase about it because it doesn't feel real to them yet. But it has huge implications for their financial futures. I don't want that for my kids.

I chose to SAH for the short term reasons that she described in the article, and for me it was not a thoughtful process. And I did let inertia keep me out of the workforce when it seemed too hard. DH being laid off in 2008 was almost a blessing in disguise, because it forced me to let go of that inertia. But it's only relatively recently that I feel pretty good about it. I was bitter and angry the first couple years I was back at work. It seemed so freaking hard and I felt forced to go back before I was ready. Now I am more in the swing of things and it feels good again.

It was also really good for our marriage. DH feels less stressed since he is no longer the sole breadwinner. It forced him to be more involved with the day to day care and responsibility of the kids and not just a bystander. He was always a happy dad willing to do what was told, but I didn't feel like he was an equally involved parent in terms of the day to day.

But I can also see me reading this article 10 years ago and poo-pooing it and her feelings.

[anonomom]

Hm. Interesting article. If I'm being perfectly honest, I'll admit that many of her "regrets" have crossed my mind -- some before I chose to SAH, some since. But I disagree with her very strongly in how she deals with/internalizes those concerns:

1. The money thing: well, duh! What did she think was going to happen? When I quit my firm, I knew that I was kissing my 6-figure salary goodbye, probably forever. It was no secret in my field (law) that time off would mean starting at or near square one when I went back to work. I made my peace with that early on. I figure that if I manage to get a job in a law-related field in 2-3 years (after what will be 10 years out), then I'll be happy. It's the work that I love as much as the income. (and yes, I know that I"m incredibly privileged to be able to view salary as a secondary concern. But if I weren't privileged I wouldn't be staying at home in the first place.)

2. Having a "small" existence: Maybe I'm shallow, but this one elicits a HUGE "so what?" to me. I recognize that my little corner of the world is small, privileged and homogenous. But that doesn't mean my mind has to be small or that I'll never go anywhere else. These days, the world is literally at our fingertips, open to exploration for the cost of an internet connection and a few free hours.

3. Traditional marriage: yeah, that one rings true to me. But as so many PPs have stated, that's been my choice.

4. Letting down those who came before/role modeling: This has been my biggest uncertainty as a SAHP. I do actually think it's good for our kids to see ambitious women achieving their goals. I'm just no longer certain that can only happen when Mom has a traditional job. Being strong, competent and engaged are important, too, and not the sole provenance of employed women.

5. Kids thinking she did "nothing," well, either she really did nothing or she raised a passel of ungrateful brats. Either way, her bad.

6. Wasted degrees: I think it's sad that she can't see the benefit of education for its own sake. Or at the very least, for the fact that it did help her in her career before she became a SAHM.

[quinnsmom]

What a sad article. This woman has obviously given up and seems to feel sorry for herself and is focusing too much on her regrets. And it sounds like her kids are disrespectful promoting her feelings of low self-worth. While I don't feel the way she does - I know people who do. But - again - I feel like these people I know who feel this way have given up. Everyone has regrets - dwelling on them is not productive. So you can't continue on your old path...find a new one. Do something meaningful NOW. How sad that she thinks so little of her life. She could easily have written an article discussing the regrets of a life of a WOHM if she had made a different choice. I don't think the life-path choice is the main point in this article - I think it's a depressed, self-pitying person with a negative outlook on life.

[niccig]

Well, I thought the article was heartfelt and sincere and it spoke to me. Having been back in the work force now for 4 years after being out 8, I can see that being out much longer could have had tremendous implications.
...
But I can also see me reading this article 10 years ago and poo-pooing it and her feelings.

Like you I would have poo-pooed this article when I first stayed at home. I was too busy trying to survive day-to-day, I wasn't thinking of even 10 yrs into future, let alone 20+ to retirement. As others said "well, duh, of course you'll earn less and have less for savings", but that never factored into our decision making, and I know I'm not the only person to do this. With DS entering 3rd grade, finances and going back to work are more frequent topics of conversation with friends. The economy was different 10 yrs ago too, DH didn't think his industry would have had down-turn that it did, so some of our decisions were made under different circumstances than we now have. I can relate to how she feels, doesn't regret time with her kids (she's very clear on that), but some remorse for time out of workplace, as I can see implications of long-term SAH in older couples we know and in my own family as we're now into our 40s and retirement is much closer.

[Kindra178]

For those pooh pooing the comments from her teens about doing nothing, don't you think it has more to so with the fact that teens are generally selfish, don't see the big picture and don't understand what it means to be a parent? Not that they are bad kids but rather need more life experience to appreciate their parents? I have a friend who left partnership at her firm (which she actually regrets now). She remembers thinking about her mother, "I will never be you. I will work. I will have my own income." Her mom is awesome, but it bugged her that her mom stayed at home.

[arivecchi]

I am not a SAHM, but some of the things she lists are very much the things that kept me in the workforce. I'm not sure why people are so irked by her essay. Maybe it hit a nerve? I think her main point is a great one - it is important to think about the long term consequences of the decision.
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[wellyes]

What a sad article. This woman has obviously given up and seems to feel sorry for herself and is focusing too much on her regrets. And it sounds like her kids are disrespectful promoting her feelings of low self-worth. While I don't feel the way she does - I know people who do. But - again - I feel like these people I know who feel this way have given up. Everyone has regrets - dwelling on them is not productive. So you can't continue on your old path...find a new one. Do something meaningful NOW. How sad that she thinks so little of her life. She could easily have written an article discussing the regrets of a life of a WOHM if she had made a different choice. I don't think the life-path choice is the main point in this article - I think it's a depressed, self-pitying person with a negative outlook on life.

Everyone has regrets, but dwelling on them is not productive? I think she is writing an honest piece to spark some thought in women who are earlier in the SAHM path than she is. I do not think this piece, or any short essay, really reflects the whole of how a person feels. If no one was allowed to talk about downsides because it's "not productive" we could never have an honest conversation on the topic.

I am surprised what a taboo topic this has turned out to be.