Why I regret being a SAHM

[gymnbomb]

I didn't have the same reaction to her comment about her kids thinking she did nothing. I took it as meaning that her kids had only ever known her as a SAHM and had not had the opportunity to know the side of her that was well educated and successful in the workplace. I don't think she meant that the kids thought she was worthless, unimportant, or that parenting was easy -- just that she had a different identity now and the kids had never been exposed to that other part of her life. I'm sure they know "of" her former profession, but it is not something that has ever been in their daily lives so it's not how they think of her. I know my mother had a few different jobs before I was born. I've heard stories of them, and they sound cool, but I can't picture her doing those things because they happened before I knew her (either before I was born or before the part of my life I can actually remember).

Edit: During my life my Mom has been a SAHM, has worked part time, gone back to school and gotten 2 degrees, worked part time in a different field, had a very successful full time career using her graduate degree, worked part time in yet another field, and retired. You can't help viewing your parent differently when they "do" different things. Not that you're judging them or that one is better than the other, but it changes their daily life and your daily life.

[123LuckyMom]

I feel sorry for this woman-- not as sorry as she feels for herself, but still. It is a terrible thing to live with regrets. It is entirely unhelpful and unproductive.

I think she raises valuable points that women should consider when they choose to leave the work force, but I suspect that what happened to her is that she wanted very badly to quit work, not to raise her children, but because she felt she couldn't cope with both and she needed a break. Ever since then, I think she has seen her life as a cop out. She has not perceived her time at home as valuable work. She has seen it as a weakness. No wonder she regrets it! Of course, all you have to do is write an inflammatory article and boom, insta-career if you play your cards right.

I am a SAHM, and I miss work, mostly for the sense of accomplishment and the kudos I get from doing a good job, (there's not a lot of praise that comes your way as a SAHM, and I freely admit that I really like being acknowledged for doing a good job) but I do not regret my decision. If I never work again throughout my children's childhood, I will be almost 60 when my youngest is 18 and my time frees up again. I labor under no ridiculous misconceptions that I can hop right into the work force at that age, but I do foresee that I can really throw myself into volunteer work at that point, and I know without a doubt that I can be, now and then, a productive and useful person, an example to my children, and unashamed of how I spent my life. I feel sorry for this woman that she cannot do the same.

As for the financial aspect of the decision to stay home, well, anyone who doesn't do the math and feel comfortable with the outcome SHOULD feel ashamed of herself! Most people who decide to SAH do so with full knowledge of the financial sacrifice they are making in both the short and long terms. If you work in the corporate world, you are sacrificing a cr@pload of money! It's not like you suddenly wake up at 50 and say, "My goodness! I could have made money all these years, and my retirement would be cushier, too!" Seriously? I don't think she's that stupid, but you never know.

[AnnieW625]

I don't have much time right now but I just wanted to say that was the first parenting article I have read here in a very long time that didn't make me feel bad for chosing to be a working parent. I have often felt immense guilt for not thinking things through about potentially being a sahm before DH and I had kids. On the flip side though we knew it would be really tough to live in California and raise two to four kids on one income in our area. I think we spent countless nights talking about each one of those topics the author talked about in the first couple of paragraphs. I think it was smart of us to think of that. Now had DH been working in a more reasonable col then maybe we would have talked about it more, however DH was out of an excellent paying job for almost two years at the time so we couldn't afford to be picky about job location. It would have been a different story had he been employed while looking for jobs.

[mommylamb]

This is just one of those touchy subjects, where when someone makes a different decision than another, or has regrets about making the same decision, people feel like it's somehow a criticism of them. People are very quick to internalize her critique of herself and her life as if she is critiquing them. But, this article wasn't about you, or you, or me. It was about her and her own feelings about her life.

As a working mom, there are times when I feel like I wish I got to spend more time with my kids. Will I regret that later in life? Maybe. But mostly, I think I regret that there aren't 36 hours in the day instead of 24. I know if I were to leave the working world, I would miss many of the things that she clearly misses. Certainly, she could have SAH and done more to stay involved in the working world so that she could have transitioned back, and to me that is what she regrets most, not staying home in and of itself.

I read this article and feel bad for her. But I think it is insensitive to say that she is insincere in what she says. She seems totally sincere in these feelings about herself, and that is sad and unfortunate.

[niccig]

Everyone has regrets, but dwelling on them is not productive? I think she is writing an honest piece to spark some thought in women who are earlier in the SAHM path than she is. I do not think this piece, or any short essay, really reflects the whole of how a person feels. If no one was allowed to talk about downsides because it's "not productive" we could never have an honest conversation on the topic.

I am surprised what a taboo topic this has turned out to be.

I think it's taboo because the word "regret" was used in conjunction with staying at home with your kids. Reading the first page of this thread and terms depressive bitter, sad, I expected the article to be quite different from what it was. She repeatedly said she's grateful for having the time with her sons, but would have done some things differently. I don't see how that's depressing or sad, but I can relate to her position so that colors my view of her article.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think it's taboo because the word "regret" was used in conjunction with staying at home with your kids. Reading the first page of this thread and terms depressive bitter, sad, I expected the article to be quite different from what it was. She repeatedly said she's grateful for having the time with her sons, but would have done some things differently. I don't see how that's depressing or sad, but I can relate to her position so that colors my view of her article.

The could've would've should've s keep me up at night sometime. I think that's why I dislike her piece...too close to home. I know I need to make some changes and I know I should have made different choices throughout the years. Like I said before though, I choose to see the positives of my choices vs getting into a depressed spiral.

[athompson]

I am not a SAHM, but some of the things she lists are very much the things that kept me in the workforce. I'm not sure why people are so irked by her essay. Maybe it hit a nerve? I think her main point is a great one - it is important to think about the long term consequences of the decision.
.

Yes, SAHM and WOHM. Both decisions have long term consequences. Some good, some bad and that goes for either decision you make. There is no perfect solution for everyone. I found the solution that works for our family and you found the solution that works for yours.

[niccig]

The could've would've should've s keep me up at night sometime. I think that's why I dislike her piece...too close to home. I know I need to make some changes and I know I should have made different choices throughout the years. Like I said before though, I choose to see the positives of my choices vs getting into a depressed spiral.

I don't see what she wrote as a depressed spiral. I see it as being honest. Now if she's at home all day saying whoa is me and not doing anything about it, then maybe depressed spiral. She says she's grateful for time with her sons, there's the positives of her choice...but no one seems to see those lines she wrote about wanting to be with them and being grateful for the time. They seem to see the word "regret" so she's bitter and depressed.

[boolady]

This is just one of those touchy subjects, where when someone makes a different decision than another, or has regrets about making the same decision, people feel like it's somehow a criticism of them. People are very quick to internalize her critique of herself and her life as if she is critiquing them. But, this article wasn't about you, or you, or me. It was about her and her own feelings about her life.

As a working mom, there are times when I feel like I wish I got to spend more time with my kids. Will I regret that later in life? Maybe. But mostly, I think I regret that there aren't 36 hours in the day instead of 24. I know if I were to leave the working world, I would miss many of the things that she clearly misses. Certainly, she could have SAH and done more to stay involved in the working world so that she could have transitioned back, and to me that is what she regrets most, not staying home in and of itself.

I read this article and feel bad for her. But I think it is insensitive to say that she is insincere in what she says. She seems totally sincere in these feelings about herself, and that is sad and unfortunate.

Can't possibly say it any better. She's talking about her own feelings, no one else's, and she's entitled to have them. There's no right or wrong here, and I certainly didn't read it as she didn't love her kids.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I don't see what she wrote as a depressed spiral. I see it as being honest. Now if she's at home all day saying whoa is me and not doing anything about it, then maybe depressed spiral. She says she's grateful for time with her sons, there's the positives of her choice...but no one seems to see those lines she wrote about wanting to be with them and being grateful for the time. They seem to see the word "regret" so she's bitter and depressed.

Urgh, I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about me.


Honestly though, she does seem really down, like she's given up.