I am so bad at this

[joules]

I am bad at talking. I am bad at expressing my feelings. I am bad at figuring out my feelings. Honestly I just don't have many feelings. I am really mellow and easy to please. I am bad at handling conflict. I am really bad at taking care of people/planning ahead.

So how can a person like me successfully care for a mom with cancer that keeps coming back? I am bad with abstract ideas/generalizations. I need concrete examples and then I can figure things out from there. When someone says stuff like "You are weak support. I need strong support.", I can't figure out what that means. When someone says stuff like "If you really truly cared about me, you would naturally do things that show you care", I can't figure out what things I need to do. Especially when just a few short weeks ago, you said I was great and really got you through your treatments and then you also told everyone who would listen the same thing. Now I can't figure out why all of a sudden, I'm back to just being someone who chauffeurs you to and from appointments and sits there like a log. When someone says "If your son was sick/scared, you would know what to do", I still don't see how that relates. I would tell him not to be scared, everything will be all right. I can't say that to you...it's probably not true and just sounds kind of empty to me....and kind of dismissive of your situation. Yes, I would have to keep track of his dr. appointments. I can't do the same for you and you know it and wouldn't want me to do it. So again....I have no idea what you want me to do.

The only way I know how to try and figure out how to be stronger support is to imagine what I would need. And this brings me back to being mellow and easy to please. I am a different person than you!! I don't know where to go to learn how to be "strong support". I don't know where to go to learn how to be "pro-active"...I'm not even pro-active when it comes to myself. I know you don't want to do this ...but just tell me what you want me to do! Do you want me to cook something? I've asked before and you said no. I can't remember to ask every single day. Is this selfish of me? I don't have the time or energy to figure out what you need. Lots of times people do things for you and you get upset because it's not something you NEED or WANT them to do. Well i can't guess what you NEED or WANT. Just say it. And then sometimes you get upset because you really don't need anyone to cook or clean or xxxxx for you....you say you need emotional support. I know I'm not the best at it, but I THOUGHT I was doing an OK job based on what you say to others (when you are in a good mood).

I try to say "caring" things but when I say the "wrong" thing and it upsets you, I clam up because 1. I don't want to upset you any more and 2. I don't know what to say that won't upset you. My mind is racing and I get paralyzed with fear. Apparently all your coworkers and friends are perfect and know EXACTLY the right things to say. But your FAMILY (sisters, daughters, husband ..) do not. EVER.

And when I try to say all these things, it becomes you saying that I get all defensive and am not willing to admit I did anything wrong. And how I keep saying "I...I...I..." and that's because I am so selfish and not once thought about how YOU feel. Not once did I ask "How do you feel....what do YOU need"? All I care about is defending myself. I can't even say "I don't understand.......". Because that is selfish. I am trying to understand what I am doing wrong in your eyes so that I can change and give you what YOU need!!! Help me out a little here!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just need to get it out.

I know this is the BP. But if I am being self centered or need an attitude adjustment, please point it out (nicely). I will be seeking out a caretaker support group tomorrow. If that doesn't work, I'll ask the cancer center for professional help.

[anonomom]

First off, I am so sorry. It's scary to have a sick parent.

Second, It honestly sounds to me like you're tying as hard as you can. From what you've written, you sound like a loving, caring daughter who wants very much to help and you're doing what you can. That's not selfish and you don't seem attitudinal to me.

At the risk of trashing a sick lady, it sounds like your mom is acting horribly. Is this the way she treats you when she isn't sick? If not, I'd probably chalk it up to her being scared and lashing out at her loved ones. If it is her normal MO, then I'm less sympathetic to her. Regardless, the fact that she's sick doesn't mean you have to put up with being treated badly. I won't post further advice since this is a BP, but I've got some ideas on how you could respond, if you do want advice.

Anyway, .

[joules]

First off, I am so sorry. It's scary to have a sick parent.

Second, It honestly sounds to me like you're tying as hard as you can. From what you've written, you sound like a loving, caring daughter who wants very much to help and you're doing what you can. That's not selfish and you don't seem attitudinal to me.

At the risk of trashing a sick lady, it sounds like your mom is acting horribly. Is this the way she treats you when she isn't sick? If not, I'd probably chalk it up to her being scared and lashing out at her loved ones. If it is her normal MO, then I'm less sympathetic to her. Regardless, the fact that she's sick doesn't mean you have to put up with being treated badly. I won't post further advice since this is a BP, but I've got some ideas on how you could respond, if you do want advice.

Anyway, .

Advise me away! I welcome all of it.

I think I've posted about her before. And I think someone else has asked about the way she is - is it related to her illness or what. I don't think I ever answered. Sorry...it's just such a long history. Yes. this is normal. When she is happy, she is the best mom in the world. But when she is angry/upset, it's like a switch is flipped. My dad and I are usually the punching bags. It's been like this for a while. I understand why she gets frustrated at us more easily. I am not the perfect daughter by any means....did a lot of bad things in HS/college. Lied to her about going out with boys, forged her signature on my progress report....all this culminated with me running away with a very very unsavory bf in college and losing contact with her for years. BUT I know this doesn't excuse her behavior or some of the things she says. We had a big argument on the 4th. DH was there and this was the first time he's seen it in person. I am so thankful for him. He later told me that he doesn't believe one thing she says about me and that he does not perceive me that way at all. He said I shouldn't believe any of it. I broke down. I am also thankful that he didn't stick up for me in front of her. It just would have made things worse. I've had self esteem issues since I was little. It's just who I am...but my mom makes it worse. She noticed that since I met DH, I've blossomed and become so much more confident.....hmmmm. I wonder why? I know this is not normal and I shouldn't have to put up with it....but I do. Does my being asian have anything to do with it? I noticed that my asian friends understand how I have to suck it up...whereas my russian friend said I should just ignore her until she treats me better or cut her off completely. I don't know if it's a cultural thing? And again...she's great when she isn't upset.

But at the same time, I understand she is scared. I totally get it and that is why I am trying SO HARD to please her when she is upset. Part of me really does want to not put up with her. But I would probably regret it later. And....would never hear the end of it from family (and her...if she ever talks to me again) about how I abandoned her when she most needed me.

[pinkmomagain]

I'm so sorry. Your mom sounds like a difficult person and then on top of that is going through quite an ordeal that probably doesn't bring out the best in her. It sounds like you are trying to be a dutiful daughter. I think if I were in your shoes I'd do the same and really just do my best to tune her out and put up some boundaries, while still trying to be there the best I could. I think you need to figure out a phrase or two to pull out of your tool box in response to her nonsense ("Sorry you are disappointed, I am doing my best") and then bow out and say, "excuse me, I need to use the restroom," "goodbye, see you tomorrow," or some such diversion. You just don't need to stick around in the moment to be verbally abused. JMHO

[anonomom]

She sounds a lot like my mom was -- she would just get plain old mean when she was mad (though unfortunately she wasn't any picnic in a good mood, either). I spent years of my life tiptoeing around, doing everything I could to make sure I didn't set her off. I was in my 20s when I decided I wasn't going to take it any more. I worked up a script in my head of what I'd say when she started in on me. I would say "Mom, I'm not going to talk about this any more with you." When she'd protest, I'd repeat it and tell her if she couldn't stop I was going to hang up. And then I would.

Don't get me wrong -- it was HARD. It went against every fiber of my being to treat her like that. I trembled for hours the first time I did it (and to be honest, she didn't speak to me for a good long while afterward). But it also felt good to stick up for myself for once. And the more I did, the stronger I became. I was never nasty to her, but I made it very clear that I was not her punching bag. By the time she died, she had largely stopped attacking me.

With your mom, I'd probably say some variation on "Mom, I love you and I want to help you, but it seems like you want to be left alone right now. I will call/see you in a few days." If she starts attacking, you can repeat "I love you, but I am not going to discuss this with you any more right now." If/when she keeps going, tell her "Mom, I said I'm not going to discuss this right now. We can either change the subject of I can leave/hang up." And follow through. It will be hard. But I think it's worth it. You do not deserve to be treated badly.

[Philly Mom]

So sorry. I am not Asian but my BFF is. I think you may be correct that there is some cultural background into how your mom acts towards you in that she expects you to be the perfect child even if that definition keeps changing. I think you got some good advice. If you could, I would try to remind yourself what a wonderful person you are and great daughter that you are even if you don't get that positive feedback back. We can't change how other people act towards us but we can try to influence how we respond internally.

Also it is wonderful that your husband is so special and recognizes the best of you. Make sure to spend lots of time with him after time with your mom.

[joules]

I think if I were in your shoes I'd do the same and really just do my best to tune her out and put up some boundaries, while still trying to be there the best I could. I think you need to figure out a phrase or two to pull out of your tool box in response to her nonsense ("Sorry you are disappointed, I am doing my best") and then bow out and say, "excuse me, I need to use the restroom," "goodbye, see you tomorrow," or some such diversion. You just don't need to stick around in the moment to be verbally abused. JMHO

She sounds a lot like my mom was -- she would just get plain old mean when she was mad (though unfortunately she wasn't any picnic in a good mood, either). I spent years of my life tiptoeing around, doing everything I could to make sure I didn't set her off. I was in my 20s when I decided I wasn't going to take it any more. I worked up a script in my head of what I'd say when she started in on me. I would say "Mom, I'm not going to talk about this any more with you." When she'd protest, I'd repeat it and tell her if she couldn't stop I was going to hang up. And then I would.

Don't get me wrong -- it was HARD. It went against every fiber of my being to treat her like that. I trembled for hours the first time I did it (and to be honest, she didn't speak to me for a good long while afterward). But it also felt good to stick up for myself for once. And the more I did, the stronger I became. I was never nasty to her, but I made it very clear that I was not her punching bag. By the time she died, she had largely stopped attacking me.

With your mom, I'd probably say some variation on "Mom, I love you and I want to help you, but it seems like you want to be left alone right now. I will call/see you in a few days." If she starts attacking, you can repeat "I love you, but I am not going to discuss this with you any more right now." If/when she keeps going, tell her "Mom, I said I'm not going to discuss this right now. We can either change the subject of I can leave/hang up." And follow through. It will be hard. But I think it's worth it. You do not deserve to be treated badly.

Only in my wildest dreams/fantasies would I be able to say things like this to her. heehee. It's like a daydream of mine. I am just not smart enough to make it work for me. This goes back to the "I'm bad at handling conflict." part. Today she said something like "At no point have you asked me what I need!" So I said "What do you want me to do? What do you need?" She said "I want you to leave me alone." So I left. I packed my things and headed to my car. The whole way, I was thinking, I can't do this! There's no going back! I just can't. And then she came out after me "So you're just going to leave me like that? What kind of support are you? etc etc etc". ugh. So I went back.

I always start out calm... I don't think I'm nasty to her (at least not after my whole bf craziness). But at some point, she just pushes and pushes and pushes and I start to raise my voice too. I don't remember if I did or not today. If I did it was because I was frustrated "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?" sort of thing.

I think I'll practice some of these sayings with DH. =) If we ever start talking again, maybe I can use them.

anonomom, thanks so much for sharing your experience. I can picture myself trembling like that!

And that's another thing I'm bad at..knowing my boundaries! And how to set them. I almost feel like I need to record our arguments and play them with a professional so I know what's ok and not ok for her (or me) to do.

[pinkmomagain]

Practicing sounds like a good idea!

I could be completely off base, and if I am please ignore, but I just want to gently say that from your posts I get the sense that you are very hard on yourself and very critical. Makes me want to give you a hug! Working on your self-esteem and assertiveness could be very helpful in setting healthy boundaries with your mom.

[mskitty]

Dealing with an ill cancer patient is not fun. Being a caregiver is tough. *hugs*

My mom was not an easy person to deal with in the best of times. Having cancer significantly accentuated her eccentricities! We found it easier to tag team so I relieved my Dad, giving him some significant down time for a few days at a time. Sometimes just 2 hours out of the house to run a few errands was enough to clear the mind because it can be so wearing. As her cancer progressed, she had some altered states. Some of the things she came up with were completely bizarre. Acknowledge the concern but don't give in to the crazy talk. Boundaries are important. Know what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do.

I found it easier to deal with yes or no type decisions. Are you hungry? What would you like to drink? What can I do to make you feel more comfortable? Dim the lights? Turn on the fan? Do you want it quiet to nap?

May you find your inner strength and peace to deal with this trying time.

mskitty

[hillview]

Aww I am so sorry. You sound like a very loving and caring person. I am sorry you are in this situation. For me finding a therapist really helped. It also has helped me parent my kids differently from how my mom was. Good luck!