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  1. #1
    ♥ms.pacman♥ is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default s/o "anti-social" preschoolers?

    Withall this talk of dropoff parties/playdates...interesting as I cannot imagine my DS (4) being remotely interested in being dropped off at a party or playdate in the near future. I took him to a couple bday parties and unlike most the other boys he did not want to leave my side for 1st half hour. He does not seem all that interested in playing with other kids, though i know he does play well with them and has "friends" at school. He does get very excited at the thought of going to his class mates bday parties, but I suspect it's only bc there will be pizza and cake. I don't know if it's bc he's not old enough, or if he just a clone of my DH (LOL).

    I normally wouldn't mind so much, but it makes things hard for me too. I can't see myself ever doing dropoff bday parties with him. And i've been trying to meet other people in my neighborhood, and our neighborhood FB group one lady on my street posted that they have a 4yo boy (only child) who is literally begging for another kid to play with, and she'd loved to find playdates, etc. I would love to say "Oh, i have a 4yo boy and i live on xxx street too, i'd love to do a playdate" but i don't bc i'm afraid DS will not want to play with the other kid, and that will be seen as totally rude. DS has stated numerous times he doesn't want to play with anyone. DS birthday was last week, and we asked who he wanted to come to his party, and he literally said "he wanted nobody to come", he just wanted his Nana and Papa there. What kid says that? LOL. I know DS gets overstimulated easily, but still.

    Anyway, just wondering how atypical my DS is, or if it's just something he grows out of. People talk about how their preschoolers are always wanting to play with other kids, which is interesting bc...my DS could care less. I guess the upshot is that he can play beautifully all by himself. DH was super sick last week and one day (when i had to work) DH literally lied in bed te entire day (in the master bedroom) while DS played on his own the entire time in other rooms of the house. He only got up to fix DS a sandwich for lunch. DH said that he played so well, and at some point "It's okay Dad. I LIKE playing by myself." What 4yo says this? LOL. I don't think this is just about being shy, bc DD is shy too and she is not like this. I think DD is like me, reserved but she DOES enjoy the company of others. She gets excited seeing her friends outside of school. OTOH, DS seems like he prefers to play alone or with adults (or much older children). DH and I joke and call him our "mini-Sheldon Cooper" (from Big Bang Theory), bc seriously, my DS is 4yo version of him.

  2. #2
    arivecchi is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    IME, kids who have already had a lot of social interaction by 4 (be it through pre-school or daycare) can be pretty social. I have a relative whose 4 yo has not been to school or daycare and he does not have as easy of a time interacting with other kids. I would take the initiative to set up playdates to get the ball rolling.
    DS1 2006
    DS2 2009

  3. #3
    lizzywednesday is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    I think it changes as kids get older.

    My DD, who is currently an only, goes insane at the prospect of playing with other kids her size ... or smaller. She's been asking for her two closest-in-age cousins to come to our house & sleep in her room. (No way, by the way, though both kids are sweet and they all love each other to pieces, they are handfuls in their own way!)

    Your DS may prefer to do things on his own ... or he may just have plenty of company with his sister at the moment.

    It may change as he gets older, or he may truly have introverted tendencies. I think it's well within the range of normal for him not to talk about his playmates at school while he's at home - my DD doesn't talk about her friends at home much, but I know she gets on very well with three of the boys and two of the girls in her class at school, because I always see them playing together if I get to pickup early enough.

    But, if you're interested in setting up playdates, I don't see the harm. Maybe meet at some kind of neutral ground so neither kid feels pressured to share while they're feeling each other out?
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    Liz
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    "Make mistakes! Get messy!" - Miss Frizzle

  4. #4
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    DS is 8, and we only do dropoff parties for kids/places he knows really well. He will still cling to me in unfamiliar situations. He has always been introverted. He's confident and open in familiar situations (loves going to school), but new stuff is a real trial. And yes, he'd often rather play by himself. It's only this year that we've started doing dropoff playdates, and that's only with his good buddies from school in certain scenarios.

    DD, otoh, I'm pretty sure she's just going to run off with a stranger someday. I've done many dropoff parties with her already and she's only just 5.

    ETA: Both were in daycare starting as infants.
    mommy to DS who is 9
    DD who is 6
    and my girl in heaven

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by arivecchi View Post
    I would take the initiative to set up playdates to get the ball rolling.
    I agree with this. DD1 used to be super shy, painfully shy. She didn't want to talk to anyone, play with anyone, go places with anyone. I am an extrovert so this was hard for me to understand. But I started scheduling group play dates on neutral territory (parks, play gyms etc.) on the weekends. That way it is a bunch of people, and it isn't noticeable if DD1 isn't actively play WITH the other kids. Seeing the kids outside of school really helped her get more attached to them and she has made some very close friends. Now we have one on one play dates with kids at their house or our house all the time and DD1 loves it. She has been planning her birthday for months and talking about who is coming. I think it is a matter of getting them comfortable with other kids, making it fun, but no pressure. But I also understand that she needs time on her own to process. Being around people for a lot of time, can be draining for her. So I make sure that if we have a playdate, she also has a couple of hours of quiet time by herself during the day to recharge.
    Mommy to my little bear cubs DD1 and DD2- 4/2010 and 4/2012

  6. #6
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    Sounds to me like you have an introvert on your hands - that is NOT a bad thing! DH is an introvert and he sees some introvert tendancies in Stachio at times - so DH gets how to handle them. DH will tell me that he (DH) needs pushing into social situations occasionally. Because he will often avoid them and stick with his familiar. But if he's pushed to go to a neighborhood get together, he often has a great time. I just have to recognize that afterward, DH will likely need some decompression time without people. Stachio exhibits similar behavior sometimes (though I think he's a better balance between DH and I).

    I suspect your DS is similar. He probably would have fun in some social situations, but he won't choose to participate on his own - he needs a little nudge in that direction. But then he probably needs some decompression time on his own afterward. Oh, and it often takes DH some time to warm up to group activities, too...so the fact that your son doesn't want to leave your side for the first 1/2 hour...doesn't really surprise me.

    While Stachio isn't as much of an introvert as DH,I think that Stachio sometimes does better if I DON'T stick around!

    Regardless, your son sounds like a lovely little guy, I don't think I'd worry too much.
    Last edited by BabbyO; 01-14-2014 at 04:50 PM.
    --------
    DS - Adopted by loving parents 1995
    DS1 7/2009 ('Stachio)
    DS2 9/2011 (Peanut)

  7. #7
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    My very social daughter was pretty shy as a toddler. Her 2s teacher claimed she didn't speak in class for the first half of the year. But by the 4s, she was pretty outgoing. Your son may just be an introvert -- he sounds like he's a happy guy so I don't think its a cause for any concern.

  8. #8
    ♥ms.pacman♥ is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by arivecchi View Post
    IME, kids who have already had a lot of social interaction by 4 (be it through pre-school or daycare) can be pretty social. I have a relative whose 4 yo has not been to school or daycare and he does not have as easy of a time interacting with other kids.
    Well, both my kids have been in daycare for over a year now. While that helps, he still is pretty shy even compared to the kidsof my SAHM friends who don't go to daycare at all.

    r8prav8r i think hit the nail on the head...DS loves school and interacts with his peers well there..but then at another setting (at a museum, or Lego center for a bday party, or even Chik Fil A) with the same exact people (his classmates) he becomes very shy/anxious and clings to me for the first half hour. At home, when other people visit, he is much less shy.

    DH i think was similar as a kid..i don't think he had any friends at all (outside of family) until he was 7 or 8, and then it was usually 1 or 2 good friends and that is it.

    Anyway, i'll try to do playdates over the weekend, though it's hard, i feel like the stars have to align, KWIM? In our neighborhood things tend to be impromptu stuff, just playing outside (which is great) but DS is rarely amenable to that, and i get home after dark (bleh!)

  9. #9
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    FWIW - my son was in daycare for almost a year and still wasn't super social outside of daycare. Some where between 4 yo and 4 yr 2 mo, he just exploded socially. It was like one weekend we went to the park and he just played on his own and the very next weekend he was walking up to kids saying, "Hi I'm Stachio, wanna play pirates?" DH and I still comment on this because it was literally like someone flipped a switch.

    I TOTALLY know what you mean about play dates. Yes, we had two in the span of a month - but that was because DH and I both managed to have a day or two off over the holidays. Until now, we've NEVER had a playdate!

    We did meet two couples with kids close to the same ages as our boys in our neighborhood. We try to do impromptu meetings. That is to say....if we're headed to the park on a particular evening, we text those other parents to let them know we'll be there. Sometimes we manage a meet up - sometimes it doesn't happen. It is low key, low pressure, but we're finally starting to get to know people in the neighborhood! This was about the same time that Stachio really started to come out of his shell, so I'm not sure if it was repeated exposure to the same kids in a low pressure setting, just an age/development thing, or something else altogether. All this is said with the caveat that these meet-ups only occur in the summer/fall because it is dark hours before I get home now!
    Last edited by BabbyO; 01-14-2014 at 05:45 PM.
    --------
    DS - Adopted by loving parents 1995
    DS1 7/2009 ('Stachio)
    DS2 9/2011 (Peanut)

  10. #10
    egoldber's Avatar
    egoldber is offline Black Diamond level (25,000+ posts)
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    My older DD was in preschool for 3 years (ages 2 to 4) and was in playgroup from an infant. She often prefers being by herself. She likes other kids but definitely finds social interaction draining.

    My younger DD is a HUGE extrovert. Has been in full time child care since she was 2. And while she loves groups. sometimes she would prefer to be by herself.

    I like people and I like groups. But I find large groups for an extended period of time (like a loud party) no fun and really draining.

    Everyone is different.
    Beth, mom to older DD (8/01) and younger DD (10/06) and always missing Leah (4/22 - 5/1/05)

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