Baby shower gift etiquette?

[twotimesblue]

IIRC, OP was previously frustrated at not being included or invited to activities that all of the other moms were going to/being invited to. Now the issue is that OP isn't sure that she wants to go to the activity that she IS being invited to?? I may be reading the situation incorrectly, but you can't have it both ways

The issue I have posted about has nothing to do with not being invited to events that all the other moms go to - it's about a distinct clique of bitchy women, who have done their best to create divisions and exclude a good number of the moms.

This post was asking a genuine question about gift etiquette for second and subsequent kids, especially if you aren't friendly with the expectant moms, and you are celebrating three women at the same time. I don't have $100+ to drop on gifts for women I barely know, but I don't want to be the only one who shows up with diapers/nothing at all. I would feel uncomfortable soliciting or receiving gifts from people who were acquaintances at best, especially if it wasn't my first baby, but maybe that's just me.

I feel like I have to attend for the sake of future school-gate relations, even though I have a ton of things I'd rather do on that day

[HannaAddict]

The issue I have posted about has nothing to do with not being invited to events that all the other moms go to - it's about a distinct clique of bitchy women, who have done their best to create divisions and exclude a good number of the moms.

This post was asking a genuine question about gift etiquette for second and subsequent kids, especially if you aren't friendly with the expectant moms, and you are celebrating three women at the same time. I don't have $100+ to drop on gifts for women I barely know, but I don't want to be the only one who shows up with diapers/nothing at all. I would feel uncomfortable soliciting or receiving gifts from people who were acquaintances at best, especially if it wasn't my first baby, but maybe that's just me.

I feel like I have to attend for the sake of future school-gate relations, even though I have a ton of things I'd rather do on that day

You can easily spend less than $100 with the great ideas provided, and this event hardly sounds like a solicitation for gifts. I know moms on this board have posted about feeling sad that their second or third babies were not acknowledged/celebrated with a little sprinkle. (And other moms resent being invited to showers for subsequent babies.)

Having the event for all three moms at the same time makes it seem like much more of a community building type event, than fete to a mom who wants gifts. Your anger seems palpable and not sure if these moms are in or out of the clique or if the clique is hosting this, but that is all TXCAT was referring to, I don't think she was trying to upset you.

[Philly Mom]

I think this forum may be the wrong place to find out what is acceptable for a gift. From what you describe of your community, inexpensive gifts may not be the norm. I could see people spending $50 a person especially if others are actually close with this woman. At a minimum, I would guess people will spend $30.


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[123LuckyMom]

I really don't think it matters what you get. A little token is fine. My suggestions were under $10 each. Board books, which are a great idea, are similarly inexpensive. Just bring a little token gift for each mom, wrap them nicely, and offer each a charming congratulations. Then enjoy the party. Or don't go. You cannot go and not bring at least a token gift, though, so if you're opposed to bringing small gifts, decline the invitation.

ETA: it's true that a normal shower gift would be a little more substantial, but you say you don't really know these women, so I do think, etiquette-wise, that a token gift is fine. If you know that is not the case, decline the invitation. Do not go empty handed. I do feel that would be rude.

[mommylamb]

You can easily spend less than $100 with the great ideas provided, and this event hardly sounds like a solicitation for gifts. I know moms on this board have posted about feeling sad that their second or third babies were not acknowledged/celebrated with a little sprinkle. (And other moms resent being invited to showers for subsequent babies.)

Having the event for all three moms at the same time makes it seem like much more of a community building type event, than fete to a mom who wants gifts. Your anger seems palpable and not sure if these moms are in or out of the clique or if the clique is hosting this, but that is all TXCAT was referring to, I don't think she was trying to upset you.

It really sounds like this is not something you want to do. In which case, politely decline. If you do decide to go, try to think of it as a new start and not dwell on the anger towards these women. If you can't do that, you shouldn't go. If you do go, get something small, and identical or nearly identical, for each of them and don't feel pressured to spend a lot. My personal opinion is that all babies deserve to be celebrated, so if it were me, I wouldn't think about the fact that these are not a first baby for the families.

[specialp]

One thing I would do is check the usual suspects for baby registries just to see if anyone is listed. It might give you an idea. I know I was invited to a sprinkle recently and there were only the necessities on the registry. Otherwise, just ask a couple of people what they are planning to do.

[California]

In your shoes I would ask the preschool teacher if there are any good "We're having a baby" type books she'd like for the classroom. Give a copy to each mom, and then give one (or a couple of different titles) to the school dedicated to the future "big brothers and sisters in the XY&Z Families." That way it's not expensive but it still thoughtful.

[twotimesblue]

In your shoes I would ask the preschool teacher if there are any good "We're having a baby" type books she'd like for the classroom. Give a copy to each mom, and then give one (or a couple of different titles) to the school dedicated to the future "big brothers and sisters in the XY&Z Families." That way it's not expensive but it still thoughtful.

I like this idea!

It looks like it is definitely more of a shower than a sprinkle, gift wise. One of the (nice) moms just emailed me to say that she's spoken to the hostess, and is buying each of the shower moms a layette outfit from Janie & Jack. I don't think you can get anything for much less than $40/$50 there, so I'm guessing that will be the standard of gift. I think books are the way to go for me, though... thanks for all the suggestions

[essnce629]

I just wouldn't go either! Save the money you'd be spending on gifts and take your kids out for ice cream and a movie instead!

[Jen841]

My first reaction is decline BUT our best family friends are from the early years of daycare. It may be a small investment in long time friends at the shower. 8 years ago I never guessed those Parents I would pass would be dear friends in the future.