Baby shower gift etiquette?

[TwinFoxes]

The issue I have posted about has nothing to do with not being invited to events that all the other moms go to - it's about a distinct clique of bitchy women, who have done their best to create divisions and exclude a good number of the moms.

I stand by my "decline politely" advice!

I feel like I have to attend for the sake of future school-gate relations, even though I have a ton of things I'd rather do on that day

Decline, and get them each a cute, small gift anyway. Trumpette socks, the books for the school idea, a cash donation to the school. Then it's "how sweet she got us something even though she couldn't come to the party".

As for the etiquette of second showers, my feeling is "cake and a party? I'm there!" But not for women I think are "bitchy".

[twotimesblue]

OK, so the 'mean mom' hostess has issued an email edict... she wants everyone to give $50 towards spa gift certificates for the moms. She wrote: "For those that don't want to participate in the group gift, you can purchase gift cards for Amazon or Diapers.com"

Hmmm. Shouldn't people be able to buy what they want, if anything? This woman can't help but rub me up the wrong way, but now I feel totally pressured to change my book idea and spend more than I feel comfortable doing

[calebsmama03]

OK, so the 'mean mom' hostess has issued an email edict... she wants everyone to give $50 towards spa gift certificates for the moms. She wrote: "For those that don't want to participate in the group gift, you can purchase gift cards for Amazon or Diapers.com"

Hmmm. Shouldn't people be able to buy what they want, if anything? This woman can't help but rub me up the wrong way, but now I feel totally pressured to change my book idea and spend more than I feel comfortable doing

Omg, that is just Rude!! I can't even see doing that for close friends!

Is she suggesting $50 EACH. Or Total and she'll then divvy it up and buy the GCs? If it's total then that's what $17 each? That might be reasonable. I'm assuming she means each. In which case no way would I go.

And the a PP who said you can't have it both ways (re wanting to be included socially then upset over a baby shower invite) I would have to disagree. I don't know the whole situation here but in general I think it's very different to be included socially in group play dates, mommy nights,etc and to be included only in events where you're solicited for gifts or volunteer time etc. it sounds like THEY are trying to have it both ways- only invite select moms to all events while including the rest in order to get more $ for gifts. :/

[HannaAddict]

$50 for all three is a reasonable amount, though super annoying! I can't stand being approached for a group gift unless I have asked to kick in. A friend had me invited to her shower for a second and the hostess emailed me for $50-75 to kick in for a Phil & Ted stroller and I emailed that I'd already bought a gift and was sadly out of town for the shower. I did a gift of almost that amount for a sheepskin snuzzler but the hostess email to me made me not want anything to do with the event. I'd RSVP no, sadly you are otherwise engaged, darn it, and have a wonderful shower. And do something fun!

[TxCat]

And the a PP who said you can't have it both ways (re wanting to be included socially then upset over a baby shower invite) I would have to disagree. I don't know the whole situation here but in general I think it's very different to be included socially in group play dates, mommy nights,etc and to be included only in events where you're solicited for gifts or volunteer time etc. it sounds like THEY are trying to have it both ways- only invite select moms to all events while including the rest in order to get more $ for gifts. :/

That was me and we'll have to agree to disagree. An invitation was extended. I don't think it's fair to immediately assume that it was extended only in the basis of getting more gifts (and if that is the OP's assumption, it's probably fruitless to pursue social activities of any sort with these women). Getting to know people better usually takes time and effort, even if it's not always under one's ideal circumstances.

OP, if it's $50 per recipient, that's crazy and I'd politely decline to attend the shower, especially since you said that there were more things you'd like to do then. If it's $50 total, I'd consider it, assuming you are inclined to attend the shower.

[crayonblue]

Try to separate mean mom hostess and the 3 pregnant ladies in your mind. The ladies are not responsible for the hostess's etiquette issues. I would either politely decline or go and bring 3 small gifts. It really honestly doesn't matter to me what other people do or think anymore.

Seems to me this might be a good opportunity to get to know these ladies!

[janine]

I didn't know the history (sound like there were other posts on a topic) but to me this is partially why women end up in these catty, cliquey situations.

Why not keep it simple, you don't like these ladies, you don't want to go, so don't! Be gracious in your decline, and don't be offended if they don't include you in their future social events as you don't care for them anyway. I don't think it should impact school relations, I'm sure you go to their kid bday parties and are friendly at school parties/events. Just keep things politelyl arm's length. And if they punish you in some passive aggressive way for it, well even more reason for arms length approach.

I agree in general that outright expectation for gifts, or $ ranges rub me the wrong way.

[arivecchi]

Given OP's responses here, I would decline. I would not want someone at my shower that was put off by even the thought of it, but I agree with txcat that this won't help ingratiate yourself to the other moms. You have to make a decision and go and try to have a good time and chip in for the group gift or decline and distance yourself.

[mommylamb]

I do think it's totally rude of the organizing mom to tell people what to get, if that's what she did. It would be totally different if she sent out an email saying that a few of them would be pooling resources and getting the moms spa gift cards and ask if anyone else wants to join them. Options are one thing, mandates another. And I think $50 total is acceptable, but certainly not $50/each. I would spend $50 individually on a good friend for a shower, but not on someone I didn't know why just happened to have a kid in my kid's preschool.

Again, I think you have to ask yourself whether you want to become friends with these people. If you really don't, then just decline. If you want to try to start fresh with them than go and be gracious (though I don't think being gracious means spending $50 each on a GC you wouldn't have otherwise bought). I would not immediately think that you were only invited as a gift grab. If you go into it thinking that, than you shouldn't bother going.

[calebsmama03]

That was me and we'll have to agree to disagree. An invitation was extended. I don't think it's fair to immediately assume that it was extended only in the basis of getting more gifts (and if that is the OP's assumption, it's probably fruitless to pursue social activities of any sort with these women). Getting to know people better usually takes time and effort, even if it's not always under one's ideal circumstances.

OP, if it's $50 per recipient, that's crazy and I'd politely decline to attend the shower, especially since you said that there were more things you'd like to do then. If it's $50 total, I'd consider it, assuming you are inclined to attend the shower.

I don't know - if they've specifically excluded a mom (or group of moms) from other activities and then suddenly invite that mom (those moms) to a party where the host is asking for expensive gift donations I'd find it suspect. There's no way to tell if they will now start including those moms or just go back to excluding them after the party. Hopefully that isn't the case, but it does seem highly suspect that the first inclusion is for this party. :/