etiquette re: hand me downs

[megs4413]

I've asked questions about HMDs before, but this is new for me....

background: very friendly neighborhood. several neighbors have passed HMDs to me for the kids since moving here. two do so every single season. I pass back to a couple of them. it's great.

I have a new baby this year, which means new hand me downs for someone ELSE. there just so happens to be 4 pregnant ladies on the street right now, only one having a girl so she gets them all by default. we are friendly, but i wouldn't go as far as to say "friends." she's an absolute doll, though. it's her first girl, second child.

I've started passing her HMDs from DD2. Two loads so far. I didn't pass on anything that was obviously stained or damaged in any way. I tend to gravitate toward higher end brands. All that to say, it's nice stuff and a lot of stuff. The first time I sent stuff down, she sent back a thank you note, flowers, and two outfits for DD2. At the time, I thought it might be because DD2 had just had surgery and that's what the gifts were for....

but THIS time with the second box of HMDs, she has responded with a thank you note and a $25 giftcard to target!

she does NOT need to be sending me something in return for these. They are going to be donated if I don't hand them down to her, you know? And I certainly don't respond with gifts when other neighbors give us hand-me-downs. (maybe I should?) though, in two of the 3 cases, i've been able to respond "in kind" by giving hand me downs for another child (like the mom with older boys has a younger girl, so i get her big boy stuff and pass to her my girl stuff, kwim?)

further complicating this is that I felt like it was possible I was overhwelming her with stuff, so I sent her a message. Her response baffled me...here it is, can you help me? this is over text message, my initial text to her is first and then her response.

Me: "So, I'm clearing out my closet....am I totally overwhelming you with hand me downs? I don't want to be a pain in the neck for you! Let me know if you would like me to find another home for our outgrowns!"
Her: "haha ! I appreciate them. If you have other people in mind that is fine too! Whatever you would like I can see what I can use if you don't have anyone else in mind!"

So, should I keep sending her hand me downs? is she politely trying to get me to stop? Also, I feel like I want to make it clear that I don't expect ANYTHING in return. I absolutely do not want her to keep gifting to me every time I send her a bag....the sheer amount of stuff I have, you have no idea. spoiled is not the right word for my youngest. LOL the gifting would get obscene! and now do I need to send a thank you for her thank you? I'm so confused by this!

and I'm overthinking it, I'm sure, but these are our neighbors and I don't want to cause any neighbor conflicts. TIA!

[MamaMolly]

I would invite her over for a coffee or brownies or something and let her know how much you appreciate the GC etc. etc. but that you are only paying the HMD goodness forward, so please don't trouble herself to do it. You can explain how generous your neighbors are, how they've shared with you and you've shared with them, and now she's in the circle as well. All she needs to do is pass stuff along to the next baby!

[BDKmom]

I would invite her over for a coffee or brownies or something and let her know how much you appreciate the GC etc. etc. but that you are only paying the HMD goodness forward, so please don't trouble herself to do it. You can explain how generous your neighbors are, how they've shared with you and you've shared with them, and now she's in the circle as well. All she needs to do is pass stuff along to the next baby!

I agree with this. As far as her text, I think she wants the clothes, but is covering her bases in her response in case you are trying to hint that you have someone else who could use them (of course, we know you are not, but she doesn't). I would keep giving her clothes. And do as pp suggested and let her know that no thank you's are necessary, you are just happy the stuff is going to a good home. If she gives any other gifts, just accept them graciously and not worry about them. Some people just like to show their appreciation. I'm sure in her mind what you are doing for her is worth much more than $25, but she wants to show appreciation. I think you said she's pregnant now...I would bet that once she has the baby, the "thank you gifts" will stop, just because she will be busier.

[ChristinaLucia]

I bet she just REALLY appreciates the stuff. I would keep sending it and try to find a way to tell her she doesn't have to do anything for you.

[KpbS]

I bet she just REALLY appreciates the stuff. I would keep sending it and try to find a way to tell her she doesn't have to do anything for you.

This.

[twowhat?]

I'd invite her over one evening. "I have a box of clothes - I'm giving you first dibs and I won't be offended if you don't want or need anything. Let me know if you do, and you can stop over sometime to pick what you want or take the whole box." And if/while she's going through stuff, re-iterate that you will be donating or giving away the rest and that she doesn't need to gift you back anything at all!

I think in her response she is, as others said, just covering her bases - she doesn't want to inconvenience you or take away from stuff that others might need "more" than her. But it does sound like she appreciates the stuff.

[JustMe]

I also think she is happy to get the hmds, but may not use them all. I think I would just tell her that you don't expect anything in return and its absolutely unnecessary, but if she gives you something let it be too.

I have gotten lots of hand me downs for dd, and it never occurred to me to give a gift back in return. I have always appreciated them and used most of them. There have always been some things that I did not use. I either passed these on to someone else or donated them. I preferred that through going through stuff in front of the giver...I was always afraid to offend them by turning something down.

[jacksmomtobe]

There have always been some things that I did not use. I either passed these on to someone else or donated them. I preferred that through going through stuff in front of the giver...I was always afraid to offend them by turning something down.

A neighbor gives me her Dds stuff and I give her DS's stuff. I'm giving less now as ds really wears out his stuff. Now I'm getting larger quantity but less that matches my style. I would feel bad going through it in front of my friends. I also like to weed through it before dd sees it as the girls is now wearing tween brands. I pass along a lot of dds stuff to someone who does not have much. Typically high quality stuff as I have given up,bothering to sell anything these days. From time to time I get thank you notes. Nice but not needed. They go to a girl who is a relative of someone connected to the local coffee shop so the owner often gives me a free coffee to thank me for my business and passing the hand me downs to her friend's niece.

I think having the person go through it in front of you could lead to more confusion, misunderstanding. She may take less feeling that you have someone else you also want to give the hand me downs to etc. I would just tell her you happy to find a home for the clothes that you no longer need and though her thanks yous are appreciated they are not necessary and leave it at that.

[mikala]

I would invite her over for a coffee or brownies or something and let her know how much you appreciate the GC etc. etc. but that you are only paying the HMD goodness forward, so please don't trouble herself to do it. You can explain how generous your neighbors are, how they've shared with you and you've shared with them, and now she's in the circle as well. All she needs to do is pass stuff along to the next baby!

I totally agree with this. I receive hmd from s friend and I thank her by taking her out to lunch or giving local restaurant certificates a few times a year. It's small $ to me compared to buying clothes new but it feels nice to give something in return and she appreciates it.

[lalasmama]

I would invite her over for a coffee or brownies or something and let her know how much you appreciate the GC etc. etc. but that you are only paying the HMD goodness forward, so please don't trouble herself to do it. You can explain how generous your neighbors are, how they've shared with you and you've shared with them, and now she's in the circle as well. All she needs to do is pass stuff along to the next baby!

I think, as someone else mentioned, that her reply to your text was trying to let you know she's still very much open to them, but not wanting to "pressure" you into giving them to her.