etiquette re: hand me downs

[jacksmomtobe]

There have always been some things that I did not use. I either passed these on to someone else or donated them. I preferred that through going through stuff in front of the giver...I was always afraid to offend them by turning something down.

A neighbor gives me her Dds stuff and I give her DS's stuff. I'm giving less now as ds really wears out his stuff. Now I'm getting larger quantity but less that matches my style. I would feel bad going through it in front of my friends. I also like to weed through it before dd sees it as the girls is now wearing tween brands. I pass along a lot of dds stuff to someone who does not have much. Typically high quality stuff as I have given up,bothering to sell anything these days. From time to time I get thank you notes. Nice but not needed. They go to a girl who is a relative of someone connected to the local coffee shop so the owner often gives me a free coffee to thank me for my business and passing the hand me downs to her friend's niece.

I think having the person go through it in front of you could lead to more confusion, misunderstanding. She may take less feeling that you have someone else you also want to give the hand me downs to etc. I would just tell her you happy to find a home for the clothes that you no longer need and though her thanks yous are appreciated they are not necessary and leave it at that.

[123LuckyMom]

I agree that she wants the clothes but doesn't want to pressure you into giving them to her. The little gifts are just thank yous. There are people in this world who just cannot accept a gift without giving something in return. I would let her know, in person if possible, that you're happy to give her the clothes, and, while you appreciate her gifts in return, it's completely unnecessary. Knowing she'll get use from the clothes is more than thanks enough. If she keeps sending gifts, though, just accept them graciously. It is a skill you can model for her.

[vonfirmath]

I had an acquaintance giving all her hand me downs to me for my daughter. (Or it seemed like all anyway). This lady's responses sound exactly like me.

Being appreciative of what you receive without seeming to assume that all will come your way.

And the occasional gift going the other way to show you do realize that all of these Great hand me downs are saving you loads of money!

[mommylamb]

I agree that she wants the clothes but doesn't want to pressure you into giving them to her. The little gifts are just thank yous. There are people in this world who just cannot accept a gift without giving something in return. I would let her know, in person if possible, that you're happy to give her the clothes, and, while you appreciate her gifts in return, it's completely unnecessary. Knowing she'll get use from the clothes is more than thanks enough. If she keeps sending gifts, though, just accept them graciously. It is a skill you can model for her.

Her response to you sounds like she does want to keep getting your hand me downs, but maybe doesn't need everything in the bin. Maybe she just wants the opportunity to go through them and pick some items and give the rest back to you to donate.

ETA: FTR, I love HMDs and I've been very lucky to have good friends who have given them to me. I don't need them, as I have 2 boys (and I don't get HMDs for DS1 for the most part, other than from my SIL when my MIL comes to visit us, and not very much). I always give away HMDs as well. I think it's just good karma. I never expect gifts in return, though I have given small gifts for the kids whose clothes these used to be on occasion.

[belovedgandp]

Had to chime in that she's trying to say she appreciates them but is not expecting them and doesn't want to be too moochy.

I have only been the recipient a couple of times. I did feel the need of doing something for the person giving me the clothes. One was a close enough friend we do those things all the time and I didn't worry about it. Another time it was a very sporadic person, I've connected with but just never had time to be more than acquaintances. I thought she was dropping off a few things but she gave me three huge bags of clothes that were great for my DD. I remember writing her an e-mail and asking what I could do for her. I knit and was offering to make her something if she wanted. She was surprised to be offered anything and politely declined with just the request for me to pass them along.

I've given some to another neighbor who did give us a gift card. It was super sweet and I took it as such. The next load I took her was much smaller and I made it clear it was just a few things I hoped she could use.