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  1. #1
    hillview's Avatar
    hillview is offline Blue Diamond level (20,000+ posts)
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    Default How do you keep yourself from getting hurt feelings from a child?

    Sounds stupid but DS2 can really hurt my feelings. I feel like some days I do everything "right" but he still wants to hit me and is mad at me. I KNOW he has a learning issue and I imagine this is the root cause but I just fail to understand sometimes. I wish I could not let it hurt my feelings.

    Tonight I dropped Dh and the boys off a block from our house so they could get some lemonade, gave each child a dollar. Asked them if they wanted to walk, they said yes. I got home and got the dog and walked the dog towards everyone and DS2 (son with nld, age 6) ran to me and hit me and started screaming at me the entire half block home. He kept screaming and hitting me saying he wanted to beat me home but I went too fast (he was walking and I was driving). Makes me want to cry.
    DS #1 Summer 05
    DS #2 Summer 07

  2. #2
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    Hugs. I think it's normal. DS (5) routinely tells me he doesn't want a mom anymore.
    DD (3/06)
    DS1 (7/09)
    DS2 (8/13)

  3. #3
    elliput's Avatar
    elliput is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    It is so hard to not feel defeated by aggressive behavior like that. I have to remind myself that my DC (I've dealt with it from both) are most likely more frustrated at a situation than with me personally. Have you tried redirecting by altering the parameters? My DS is very winning/being first oriented and will just lose his cool if big sister bests him. I can redirect by telling him he's the first boy, or the first to y instead of x. DD is more difficult to redirect, but is easily distracted by "shiny".
    Erica
    DD 1/05
    DS 9/08

    Since one just does not simply walk into Mordor, I say we form a conga line and dance our way in.
    Excuse me, are you in a play​?

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    There is a backhanded compliment in his behavior. Children test/ push limits/ hurt the ones they feel the safest with because down deep, they know that person will not hurt them or leave them under any circumstance. When you feel your self struggling with hurt feelings, try to remember that. He loves you enough and feels safe enough with you to act out all the things swirling inside of him that are hard for him.
    Hugs to you mama.
    SAHM to Pete and Repeat my "Irish Twins" - DD 12/06 and DS 11/07

    Never argue with an idiot. He'll bring you down to his level, then beat you with experience.

  5. #5
    sste is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    Hill, I know you have so much going on with DS2 in terms of services, but is it possible to ask your testing psych or some other like professional to refer you to a behavioral psychologist/behavior modification class for kids with special needs. I think I mentioned this but we did this when DS was 3 and our problems were on the minor side . . . but it really worked. Our center dealt with alot of kids with autism and/or acute developmental delays and they got results. They used a variety of methods, alot of identifying and avoiding triggers but also how to respond in the moment. I just worry for you and your DS because my 6 year old is already pretty strong, I think he could hurt me now if he were to hit me and that will only get worse as they get bigger.

    As for hurt feelings, I don't know if our situations are the same. My DS has control that he sometimes chooses not to exercise and he says mean things from time to time. I tell him, "That really hurt my feelings DS, I am feeling pretty sad right now." He always apologizes within 24 hours on his own. *But* I don't know if that is the right thing to say with a child who genuinely does not have control in the moment, it might just make him feel worse. Again, I think you need higher level behavioral psych help if you aren't already getting it.

    Lots of virtual support your way!
    ds 2007
    dd 2010
    baby dd 2014

  6. #6
    sste is offline Diamond level (5000+ posts)
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    I wanted to add Hill that I think you really, really need to exercise some self-care and also seek out some group support. You are dealing with so much. It can be very hard on individuals and marriages for that matter to have special needs children. I would def. try therapy, yoga, exercise, a massage, whatever works for you! And think about joining a local group for parents of special needs kids. Our virtual group is great but you also need some IRL support and other parents that you can let loose with who have been there.
    ds 2007
    dd 2010
    baby dd 2014

  7. #7
    Sweetum is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Hugs to you mama. I have been there and still there sometimes. I somewhat agree with dietcokelover that kids seek out the people that they feel safest with to show their frustration. But you can't help but feel fad or angry yourself. DS has Autism and does that with me. Anything that frustrates him, I am the punching bag. I have posted here about this before. Very recently, our behavior team has taken this up and their strategies are working well for us. During a 2 or 3 hour session, DS gets to earn stars every 10 min with a reminder to keep everyone safe. At the end of the assign he gets a reward grove arming the stars. We are still early in ths so no losing stars yet and no min number of strs. The idea is yo keep reminding him and to reward him for good behavior after telling me how many stars he's earned. Another thing is that as soon as he appraoches me in an angry disposition, I need to somewhat ignore him and redirect him to the therapist with whom he needs to talk about what's bothering him. If he is getting aggressive, I need to get up and lock myself in a room, while the behaviorist tells him that mommy will come out once you are calm and then you can talk to her. The idea is to remove myself to make the behavior not happen. When it doesn't happen, there is higher chance of success for him. Sort of removing what is enticing. Somtimes he is so mad that I locked myself that he is pounding at the door but that's when the behaviorist gives him strategies to calm down. Mind you, nobody is dismissing his concerns, but they are channeling his emotions differently, not in aggression.
    I additionally I downloaded some apps about emotions and being mad, and calming down (Sesame street "Breathe") and I can see that he implements or tries to, some of those. They are basically social stories that he is exposed to again and again.
    Sometimes, the therapists also remind him what he can do when he is mad before anything happens. So, perhaps talking to your DS before you do something. Something like checking in with him, sort of getting his approval about plans. If he blows up later about it, remind him that he knew this would happen or that he didn't tell you about it, and then remove access to you for that time and then when he is calm, talk to him.
    Hugs again. It's funny and weird that my brain goes into fight mode when it is attacked even when it's my child, and it is really hard for me to stop that feeling. But I need to work on it just as DS needs to work on his responses.
    Last edited by Sweetum; 07-27-2014 at 01:20 AM. Reason: ugh, typos from my terrible ipad typing.

  8. #8
    Gena's Avatar
    Gena is offline Emerald level (3000+ posts)
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    Hugs. We go through this too. Lately DS has started to tell me, "I don't love you now. I only love Dad" when he is angry with me or when I do something he doesn't like (like enforce certain rules). I know he doesn't really mean it, but it still hurts sometimes. He also asks me, "Mom do you still love me?", which also feels like a stab in the heart. So we talk about love a lot. And I tell him that I always love him, even when I'm angry, even when I'm disappointed, even when he does something wrong, etc. I tell him that sometimes the people we love do things we don't like, but we still love them just the same.

    A few weeks ago DS got very angry with me and said, "Mom, you're fired!" He was just like a mini Donald Trump, minus the suit. It probably would have hurt my feelings, if it hadn't seemed so funny at the time. I simply told him that being his mother is not at-will employment; I have a contract and he does not have the authority to fire me.

    DS does occasionally still have violent meltdowns, but those are becoming less and less frequent as his language skills and emotional control improve. When they happen, they are both physically and emotionally painful.
    Gena

    DS, age 11 and always amazing

    “Autistics are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg." - Paul Collins, Not Even Wrong

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gena View Post
    Hugs. We go through this too. Lately DS has started to tell me, "I don't love you now. I only love Dad" when he is angry with me or when I do something he doesn't like (like enforce certain rules). I know he doesn't really mean it, but it still hurts sometimes. He also asks me, "Mom do you still love me?", which also feels like a stab in the heart. So we talk about love a lot. And I tell him that I always love him, even when I'm angry, even when I'm disappointed, even when he does something wrong, etc. I tell him that sometimes the people we love do things we don't like, but we still love them just the same.
    DS1 struggles with this, too. He's told me that he thinks I don't love him if I yell at him for something, and also that he doesn't feel that he loves me if he's mad at me. I tried to explain to him, love is like electricity in our house: he's hardwired for it. Even when the lights are off the electricity is still running through the lines, all he needs to do is turn on the switch to see it.

    I'm struggling with DS2's tendency to tantrums over something that was supposed to be nice/fun...his Big Brother took him out today and I put $5 in DS's wallet, so he could buy himself a treat. I didn't have any ones but wanted him to be able to get something so I just stuck the fiver in there. DS got mad when I said he couldln't keep the change; he thought the money was his and he shouldn't have to give it back. Sigh...it's like, no good deed goes unpunished!

  10. #10
    ArizonaGirl is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pepper View Post
    DS1 struggles with this, too. He's told me that he thinks I don't love him if I yell at him for something, and also that he doesn't feel that he loves me if he's mad at me. I tried to explain to him, love is like electricity in our house: he's hardwired for it. Even when the lights are off the electricity is still running through the lines, all he needs to do is turn on the switch to see it.

    I'm struggling with DS2's tendency to tantrums over something that was supposed to be nice/fun...his Big Brother took him out today and I put $5 in DS's wallet, so he could buy himself a treat. I didn't have any ones but wanted him to be able to get something so I just stuck the fiver in there. DS got mad when I said he couldln't keep the change; he thought the money was his and he shouldn't have to give it back. Sigh...it's like, no good deed goes unpunished!
    This is the story of my life with DS.

    Lindsey

    Married to DH June 2005 gave birth to Shawn December 2008 and Lilian August 2012




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