Hating this playdate situation. Change it? Suck it up?

[Corie]

I would back out. A 5 hour play date is a really long time in my opinion. When I have kids over to my kids, it's usually only for 2-3 hours.
I can't take much more than that!!

But, like you said, some kids are easier to entertain than others. The kids like you described above don't get invited back. Way too
much work!!

[lhafer]

You are right. It's totally stressful. I think my mom and my good friends would tell me to cut it. I think it would be too hard to get out of without seeming rude and I'm a people pleaser. I guess I feel committed and think the possible ramifications of NOT continuing are worse than keeping up with this. Why did I post this? I suppose it was part vent, part real inquiry.

I do think it solidified to me that I feel obligated and will continue. I suppose the next step is how do you deal gracefully with things you absolutely do not enjoy but are committed to? I'm sure there are things out there that are more important and more pressing than keeping a play date commitment so I can't be alone in having to do something that isn't fun. What are your coping techniques?

I would go to the mom and say that for the next how every many playdates (4?) that you can only do a couple of hours at the park. And leave it at that. You don't really need to give her a reason. Say you are trying to get your kid(s) ready for school by easing them back into a normal routine if you think you need to give her an explanation.

I'm a people pleaser as well, and hate confrontation. So I avoid it at all costs. I take on way too much because I have a hard time saying no. But as I get older, I realize that my time (health, mental facilities, etc) are valuable and that it's okay to say no sometimes.

[chlobo]

I understand that you feel committed but why do you feel that you can't make them shorter? Since her kid plays by himself at home it's not like you are screwing up her childcare.

[jacksmomtobe]

I think you really need to cut the length of the playdate because it is turning into you babysitting for free rather than a playdate. IMO that length of playdate is potential for disaster even with kids that are best friends. If it was shorter the kids would likely be more interactive. Frankly I think it is a bit rude for a kid to bring a device to someone else's house. Playdates should be about playing together. I would encourage you to say you can continue the playdates but that you need to shorten the time. The kids will be more interested in playing together if the time of the playdate is shorter. Good Luck!

[KpbS]

I would just do one more but make it an interactive time. Tell her that your plans have changed for the end of the summer/need to get back on schedule/you have some appointments/etc. I would tell your DS that you just have one time left to get together but you can go to the zoo/swim/a local trail/museum/etc. as the activity when you get together with the friend. I would totally detest that long of a commitment unless with was with my nieces/nephews and I think it is fine to back out. It sounds like your son is getting little out of hanging with this "friend" and it is a LOT of effort for your shuffling your others around and not being able to get much done yourself one day each week. It is really ok!

[misshollygolightly]

If you're going to stick it out, how about experimenting with ways to change the dynamic. For example, would/could you haul everyone to the zoo for the first two hours of the next playdate, followed by picnic lunch, and then playing at the park? How about doing your usual time at the park followed by a movie and popcorn at your house for your son and his friend (I know it's not great to park them in front of a screen, but hey, it would keep everyone occupied and out of your hair for a while). Could you fill a baby pool in your backyard and send your son and his friend out there with some sponges and water guns?

As for making it more bearable for you, how about inviting a friend for YOU to come over and have coffee and cookies with you while the boys play together or watch a movie? Are there things you really enjoy that you could combine with this obligation so you stop dreading it so? Maybe take everyone with you through the Sonic drive-thru, get them each a small frozen treat, and buy yourself a big ol' slushy or something?

[crayonblue]

First of all kudos for you for fostering friendships for your son! That's huge.

If I were you I would finish the summer play dates but wouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever about shortening them or changing the structure.

I actually don't think 5 hours weekly is too long a play date or free babysitting...given the right circumstances and dynamic. But it sounds like these 5 hours aren't ideal (at all!) so shortening/changing sounds like a good plan.

[pinkmomagain]

It sounds like your ds looks forward to it/enjoys it so if I were in your shoes I would continue but cut it down to 2hrs. Five hours is crazy long for a playdate, IMHO. I agree with others to simply tell the mom that for the rest of the summer you need to cut down, no explanation needs to be offered. But have something as back up in case she asks.

It is hard navigating social issues with a dc, I know...I've had to do it myself.

[Blue Hydrangea]

Add me to chorus of "5 hours is too long!" I would feel no guilt at all in changing the status quo. There may only be 4 playdates left, but at 5 hours a piece, that's 20 hours of your time that you will spend frustrated and annoyed.

I would seriously think about cutting the time down to 2 hours, and leaving it at that. 2 hours at the park is plenty of friend time, it can't be much fun for your DS to sit next to his friend and read a book while the friend plays a video game (and the fact that that happened at all would annoy me to no end). If they're interacting with each other at the park, that's more important for social development anyway.

I would also consider cancelling that last week or two of playdates completely. If you must use an excuse, than PP's advice about getting back on schedule or appointments to attend would work, but so would a simple "these 2 weeks just aren't going to work for our schedule."

I any event, it sounds like the current plan isn't working for you. That's your cue to change it. Good luck!

[TwinFoxes]

If I were you I would finish the summer play dates but wouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever about shortening them or changing the structure.

I can't believe you made it through a summer of play dates without legitimately having to shorten them. Things always come up, it's a play date, not a court date.

Honestly, if it were me, and my kid was happily reading for two hours next to his one friend, it wouldn't bug me. Especially since they spend the morning in the park. Friends don't always have to do stuff, just being together is nice. I wouldn't be into my kid being on the DS non-stop, but he's not my kid.