Asking if older sibling can come to party?

[magnoliaparadise]

New territory for me - I would love your advice. My youngest DD (almost 3 - starting nursery school in Sept) has gotten two birthday party invites from classmates we have not yet met (and 5 and 7 weeks away!). I want to ask if my older DD1 (6) can come. Be honest, is it outright rude to ask or is there a way that might be somewhat palatable?

DD2 (now 2) has always gone to my DD1's classmates birthday parties (I think every one barring ONE which was the only drop off! We don't have drop offs in this area, generally!) But asking if an older sibling can come feels different. Not sure if it is?

I'm a single mom with no family around. Until now, when my DD2 has not been invited to DD1's invites, I have always just asked politely through email if she can come - and always given a lot of outs if the family wants to decline. And I've always insisted on paying for my DD2 (or if they have not wanted me to pay, I have given very generous gifts, gift certificates, etc).

And I always have very big birthday parties for DD1 and have all the siblings come, which I hope makes up for it a tiny bit.

But... while I feel pretty ok asking if my younger DD can come to my older DD's party, I don't know if I can ask if my older DD can come to my younger DD's invites - especially from families we have never met (!). DD1 really wants to go to the parties. I thought of asking if she can be a 'helper' (serving food, etc) and I will definitely insist on paying for her (both parties are at 'kid events' places). I could ask if she can 'sit in the corner' during the party as I've heard others ask at parties, but that seems insincere to me because it seems to be a subtle beg for the family giving the party to invite the child to participate.

Not sure if I should ask if DD1 can come or not... would you feel comfortable asking? Would you dislike receiving a request for an older sibling? Does the fact that I have never met the families make a difference in your views?


TIA.

[MMMommy]

I do think it is rude to ask if a sibling (younger or older) can attend the party. I would not ask, and I especially would not ask if you have never met the families before.

[ckso]

Maybe I'm not the norm but I always assume the sibling is invited. And whenever I throw a party, I'm inviting the family not just the child.

On the other hand, I have had people ask if they can bring their child's friend/cousin and that's rude.

[MamaInMarch]

I bring both of my kids to parties. But around here and at my kids' age (2.5 & 5), it's still family invites. And in the case of it not being suitable (for example, last weekend was a TMNT party at the movie theater so not ok for DD), I leave the other child with DH.

Since you don't have that option, I would just contact the mom and explain the circumstances. It is a little awkward in this instance but really, if we can't be flexible and help other moms when that's what it takes so kids can have fun and be friends, what's the point? I would hate to think of a friend not attending anything and not joining in because she's a single mom with an older kid that technically wasn't invited. I know in my group of friends, that wouldn't fly and we'd welcome older sibling.

[jacksmomtobe]

I think you are in an awkward position since you do not know these people yet. What type of kid party places are the parties at? I think an older kid could change the dynamic of the party depending on the type of the party but the host might be wary to say no. Also I know I would make every attempt to accommodate a sibling but it us a bit harder at a place rather than a home party. I think I would plan that the older dd would not participate. I think having her there (bring something for her to do) is ok but expecting her to participate is where it gets awkward for the host. If they offer to let her join in then you can offer to pay her way. You may even say when you get there to the host let me know if I or older dd can help with anything though I'm not sure how truly helpful a 6 yr old would be. It would really depend on the 6 yr olds personality ie nurturing, gentle with the younger kids. I think as you get to know the preschool parents better it will be easier to judge whether older dd can participate in future events. People may even start to include her but for now your best bet is to expect that she will not be included both for her and your future relationship with the hosts.

[gatorsmom]

I think it's rude to show up with an additional child who is not in invited. It can cause problems for the hostess if she has created a certain number of goodie bags, if the venue charges more for additional children, having enough food, etc. However, if you call the hostess ahead of time and explain the situation, letting her know that you don't have childcare for the oldest child and would have to decline the invitation for the other child, she may try to accommodate you so you don't have to decline altogether. I've had moms call me with this problem before when I was the hostess and if they call ahead and I have time to prepare, I'm happy to oblige.

Generally I feel that the addressee on the invitation is the one invited. I'd never assume the hostess meant all children in the family if she addresses it to one particular child.

[123LuckyMom]

I do think there's a difference in bringing an older child. I always assume siblings are not invited unless the invitation indicates otherwise (which it usually does in my neck of the woods.) if I have a child care situation, I RSVP explaining the reason, and I've not yet had a host who didn't insist I bring the younger one along. My DD is 2 also, but I haven't yet had a situation where I've had to decline due to DS. I'm sure the time will come, though, and if I can't arrange a drop off play date or get a sitter for him, I will decline the invitation explaining that I have no childcare for DS. Then the host can clarify whether it's okay to bring him or say nothing. At your daughter's age, it's not tragic if she misses the parties. I would choose that outcome over asking if you can bring your older child.

[egoldber]

Where is the party? Is it at their home? Will your older DD expect to participate in the party events?

I think many 6 year olds would be happy to read/color/play on a DS or an iDevice while their 2 year old sibling did something aimed at much younger kids. If you expect her to be able to participate in the party, then no I wouldn't ask. But if you just want her there, but hanging out with you or sitting quietly in another area during the party time, then I feel that is different.

I know the difference is wider in our case, but I have occasionally brought older DD to a party for younger DD. But she didn't "go" to the party. She stood with me and chatted with other people or sat quietly in a corner and did her own thing with stuff we brought.

And if it's at a place like Build a Bear, Chuck E Cheese, zoo, park, museum, or other public venue, I wouldn't even ask.

[dogmom]

I do think it is rude to ask if a sibling (younger or older) can attend the party. I would not ask, and I especially would not ask if you have never met the families before.

Well, as someone that works weekends frequently I realize it's rude to ask, but sometimes I have. I think most people don't throw parties expecting that for some child to attend for 3 hours the parent will have to pay for babysitting for the other child, especially if it isn't going to be a drop off party. I think most people throwing a party would not want to put a parent in a position of incurring an extra $30 or so for a classmates party. When I have asked I've made it quite clear the circumstances and we don't have child care for the other sibling and we would be planning to decline, but if they were prefer us to come anyway we would be happy to pay what fee for the extra kid. Considering all the bitching posts about not enough kids coming to a birthday party I would think that several parents would prefer that you bring the extra sibling, as long as it's not like you are just dropping them off and going out for drinks with your friends and viewing it as free babysitting! Certainly there are times I have decided to just decline, but sometimes I ask.

I think we have to remember WHY manners and phrases like "it's rude" exists. It's to make people's interactions easier, not to lay down some arbitrary rules that should never be violated even when common sense dictates otherwise. Honestly, if someone is going to get their knickers all in a twist because I go, "Hey, kid #1 would love to come, but I'm working 12 hour weekend shifts to care for critically ill people and we don't have someone to watch kid #2, can my DH bring kid #2 to the bowling alley and pay for her and hang out while they are at the party. We understand if that won't work out, but I figured I ask because your kid might really want my kid to come." they can get their knickers in a twist. I figure I'm giving them the gift of complaining to their friends about how rude and tacky I am.

[flashy09]

If it was my party and the parent was paying for the sibling, I wouldn't mind at all. Especially at a kid's event where space/chairs are plentiful.