Sad news.....

[sweetsue98]

DHs mom passed away yesterday morning of a brain hemorrhage. She was 86yo, active and healthy woman so her death was very unexpected. Unfortunately, I was unable to be with DH at the hospital (distance and our 2 and 4 yo) but we spoke numerous time on the phone and its the first time I've ever heard him cry. DH has called his mom everyday for as long as I've known him so I not what he will do now. I've never dealt with death in my family and both my parents are still living. I want to make sure I'm available for him but in the right way. DH mention during one of our conversations that he's heard of others going off the deep end and he hopes that doesn't happen to him. Just looking for some guidance from anyone (or spouse) who has dealt with a loss of a parent. Also, how do I communicate to our friends about DHs mom? How do I tell our 2yo and 4 yo? Thanks!

[MMMommy]

I am so sorry for your loss. Big hugs. I don't have good advice to give, but wanted to say I am so sorry.

[ourbabygirl]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry.... sending my condolences, prayers, and positive thoughts your way.
Depending on how he's doing, he may want to join a grief support group if that would help (your church or hospital might know of some).

[twowhat?]

I am so, so sorry!!! So heartbreaking. Lots of hugs.

[gatorsmom]

My kids were 3, 5 and 7 yo when my dad passed away. The older two went with us to the funeral mass (not the wake) and saw my dad in his open casket. They had a lot of questions and I tried to answer them the best I could. I hesitated letting them see that because I saw my grandparents in their open caskets and that distinct memory stuck with me for a very long time. But we talk about my dad and mom (who passed away when my oldest was 2 and I wAs pregnant with my second) anytime they are in my mind which is frequently. I tell them stories about the funny things my parents used to do, the things they were really talented at, and their many gifts they shared with the world. I love to tell those stories and my kids love to hear them- especially the funny ones.

My husband was very supportive at the time. He totally put himself and his needs second and focused on doing everything I needed. He called his parents up to take care of the kids while I planned the funerals, he put the kids to bed when I said I just wasn't up to it ( and made meals and packed school bags, etc.), he took time off from work to be there for me and he shielded me from well- meaning friends when I just wasn't ready to talk to anyone. He didn't complain when for the first month afterward the death I let the house and myself go to hell while I sat watching my favorite reruns and snacking. He was just awesome.

I hope this helps. My sincerest condolences to your family.

[bigsis]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My DH lost his mom unexpectedly 13 years ago. He was devastated. I communicated by just talking to a few people and it went from there. We didn't have kids then, but *I* would tell the kids.

[lalasmama]

I'm so sorry for your DH's loss.

I was close to my mom, talking to her multiple times a day as well.

The best answer for what to do to help him is to just be there to talk to, to listen all he wants, even if it's repeating the same thing a million times. I was there when my mom died (as in, I told the doctor "okay" about stopping each point of life support), and afterward, I had to tell someone, so I talked to my dad about it, and my aunts heard, and told me I should never speak of her death like that again. It took me months of counseling to deal with the fact that I was told to never talk about her death again, like I was obviously mourning wrong because I needed to talk about it.

DD was 3 when my mom passed. I told her what we believed--that Gammy died and went to Heaven, and we wouldn't see her again until we were old Gammies and died. She asked questions and I answered based on our belied system.

As far as telling others, I told a few family members that I knew would get the word out quicker than I could. Had DH been a part of our lives at that point, I'm sure he would have done that for me.

[Mommy_Mea]

I don't have any advice, so sorry about your loss!! *hugs*

[MamaInMarch]

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

[anonomom]

I'm so sorry for your loss. The only advice I can give is for you to be there for your husband. Let him talk or cry or whatever he needs to do, and understand that the grieving process is not linear. For at least a year or two after my dad died, there were certain things that would set off a fresh wave and suddenly I'd be crying with no warning.

My kids weren't born yet when my dad died, but they were 2 and 5 when my mom died. We told them that Grandma was very old and that her body had stopped working. We don't believe in heaven, so I think we just talked about her living on in our memories. They both took it well, though admittedly they didn't have a close relationship with her. I do think it was helpful at least to DD1 to see my mom's body at the funeral home. It helps make the death more concrete, instead of suddenly grandma just not being there anymore.