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  1. #1
    KpbS's Avatar
    KpbS is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Default Advice for talking to fellow mom ADD/ADHD

    Any advice for talking to a fellow mom about ADD/ADHD?

    Some background, my DS is somewhat distractable--I doubt that he would be officially diagnosed with ADD if I had him evaluated. His performance on school work is good, although last year he did make some mistakes that were pretty clearly attributed to not paying full attention to his work, not double checking, etc. In my opinion he definitely does not need medication, but I know medication can be extremely helpful for some kids and I am not opposed to medication when needed.

    Later this week I am going to meet with a mom from DS's class who has been struggling for the last year. I volunteered last year in the classroom (study hall) and saw first hand this child having an absolutely terrible time getting focused, getting started on work, completing assignments, etc. This was over the course of the semester and not isolated incidents. To me, it is very clear this boy is having attention problems that are interfering with his ability to succeed academically and socially. There is also some anxiety at play as well. I feel bad for him and for the family. He is a good kid, but stays "in trouble" because he is so disorganized and can be pretty impulsive.

    How should I broach the subject with the mom? She's very aware of him struggling behavior wise (and most likely academically too), but I don't know if she has accepted the fact that he has (most likely) ADD/ADHD?
    K

  2. #2
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    Fairy is offline Red Diamond level (10,000+ posts)
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    Is the social dynamic between you two such that you can just come out and ask, "Have you ever thought of having him evaluated?" Just being straight about it? That's more what I would probably do, and I'd do it in a way that communicates that I don't think it's a stigma. Like when my parents still whisper, *cancer* like it's not to be spoken aloud. Look her in the eyes, be quizzical, like, "hmm ... ya know, I wonder, have you ever thought of having him evaluated? If he has something like ADD or ADHD, he'll do really, really well if it's caught now instead of later." I dunno, maybe that won't work with your dynamic. I know that stuff can get sticky.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fairy View Post
    Is the social dynamic between you two such that you can just come out and ask, "Have you ever thought of having him evaluated?" Just being straight about it? That's more what I would probably do, and I'd do it in a way that communicates that I don't think it's a stigma. Like when my parents still whisper, *cancer* like it's not to be spoken aloud. Look her in the eyes, be quizzical, like, "hmm ... ya know, I wonder, have you ever thought of having him evaluated? If he has something like ADD or ADHD, he'll do really, really well if it's caught now instead of later." I dunno, maybe that won't work with your dynamic. I know that stuff can get sticky.
    I think this is good advice. It will totally depend on your relationship with this mom, however, as well as her personality.

    I have a niece who reminds me SO much of my DD. Niece is 5, DD is 10. I'm a lot farther down this road that my SIL, and I think niece could stand an evaluation for several things, but SIL (who I love) is sticking her head in the sand and is not likely to change. There's nothing much I, or anyone else, can do in that sort of situation. (FWIW, I'm not the only one concerned here, but none of us can really do more than suggest that it might be a good idea to get things checked out.)

    In my situation, I can always use DD as an example of how things looked for us, what caused us to be concerned, what the process was like, how we've addressed it and how it has helped. But even then, you lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, kwim? Good luck.
    Christina
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  4. #4
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    Honestly, you don't. I realize that this is coming from a place of caring so my response may come off as harsh, but this is really none of your business. I assume you have no idea if this family is in the process of getting the child evaluated? Or if the school system is already tracking it? Who knows what the situation is and if what the mom may have shared with you is the whole story or not. This type of thing is up to the teacher to deal with. Maybe the parents are already aware, and maybe they're not, or don't want to accept it. Either way, any sort of "discussion" about your perceptions of their son is really not likely to go well.
    DS, Summer '07

    "My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." ~Jack Layton

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    Quote Originally Posted by MontrealMum View Post
    Honestly, you don't. I realize that this is coming from a place of caring so my response may come off as harsh, but this is really none of your business. I assume you have no idea if this family is in the process of getting the child evaluated? Or if the school system is already tracking it? Who knows what the situation is and if what the mom may have shared with you is the whole story or not. This type of thing is up to the teacher to deal with. Maybe the parents are already aware, and maybe they're not, or don't want to accept it. Either way, any sort of "discussion" about your perceptions of their son is really not likely to go well.
    I agree with this, especially the bolded. Although your heart is in the right place, you would be pointing out "flaws" in her child. This could wind up damaging your relationship. FWIW, DS2 has ADHD. I'm not sure that I would have appreciated a friend approaching me prior to his diagnoses. We knew there were issues already.
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  6. #6
    Fairy's Avatar
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    I do think there's alot of potential for this to go badly, it's true. Just to clarify, my example was in the context of an existing conversation if she mentioned challenges or frustrations. I would not bring it up proactively out of the blue. But if she's already confiding in you or speaking in some context of having some challenges or difficulties, and there's a way to make this a conversational part of it, then I'm thinking it could work. But, again, it so depends on your dynamic.
    * Charter member of the BBB I Love Brussels Sprouts Society
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    Kestrel is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Is there a reason you can't go to the teacher, and tell him/her your observations? Then, teacher can speak to parent in private, in conferences. The exact same info may be better received from the "professional" rather than a volunteer.

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    I was thinking along the lines of what a few others posted, that you are probably better off not initiating this discussion. Not to be harsh but you have no idea if they have already pursued testing or what the parents thoughts/feelings are about this. I think there is a lot of potential for you to offend them by implying something about their child from your observations. I'm sure you are coming at this from a place of good intent but I don't think it is your place to address this. If you feel like you must say something that privately mention it to the teacher and leave it in the teacher's hands.

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    mikeys_mom is offline Sapphire level (2000+ posts)
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    Agreeing with PP's that I wouldn't say anything unless she asks you. I am very open with people about DS's diagnosis (Aspergers) and the issues he faces. However, the whole testing process was initiated by me and DH. I think that if someone other than a teacher or a really, really close friend would have said something before we decided to investigate some of our concerns, I would have been offended and possibly upset. Also, I wouldn't assume the other child has ADD/ADHD just based on some classroom observations. There are so many other things it could be and the diagnosis process is often quite complex. For example, the classroom behaviours you describe sound very similar to how DS can be at times. However, he definitively tests negative for ADHD.

    I know that you are trying to help the child and have only good intentions but I would leave this one for the parents and school to resolve on their own.
    DS - 10
    DD - 8
    Twin Girls - 6

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kestrel View Post
    Is there a reason you can't go to the teacher, and tell him/her your observations? Then, teacher can speak to parent in private, in conferences. The exact same info may be better received from the "professional" rather than a volunteer.
    I agree. I would be very put off by this information coming from a classroom volunteer/casual acquaintance.

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