How Do I Handle this Touchy Situation

[carolinamama]

I've kinda not really handled something I will have to tackle soon and I need some others' perspectives.

I work on Sundays and the kids are home with DH. Sunday afternoon DS2 (6) and DD (3) we're playing in our house with a neighbor boy (7). DS1 was not home. DH was admittedly not supervising closely and got caught up in yard work outside. When he went inside he discovered DD to be naked and she told him that the neighbor boy (NB) took her clothes off her. DS2 was somehow involved - either a bystander that didn't stop it or participant. Per all kids there was no touching. We will probably never know the complete truth and I've dealt with my kids with lots of discussion about not undressing or allowing undressing and how to get a parent, teacher etc should it ever come up again. But I'm not sure what to do about this other kid. We are very good family friends with his family. He has been in my house a ton and we've never had a problem before. We vacation with this family. DH and I are supposed to go to a concert with his parents this weekend.

I wish I had been home and handled it head on but DH sent the kid home. He walked back up to our house with his mother who had him apologize for it. Again we are still not 100% sure who did what but we know NB took off either her shirt, pants, or both. I know DH freaked a bit and wasn't the nicest to him in front of his mom but according to DH she seemed to understand it. How worried about this situation should I be? As in why did he undress her. Should I call the mom or go over there to clear the air? Take a break from the kids playing together? Better supervision obviously. Seriously, we know this family well and I'm stressed over protecting my kids but not blowing something up that was a one-time stupid kid decision.

Any experience or thoughts?

[JustMe]

Sorry you are dealing with this. On a positive note, though, I think there are some things that indicate that this may not be as bad as it may seem.

--It sounds like you are saying the boy told his mom what happened (you said your dh sent him home). That is positive in that he did not lie and actually chose to tell his mom.
--The mom came over and had him apologize. This means that she recognizes it was not okay and is not avoiding dealing with it. I actually think she handled it very well.
--Although the age difference is significant, this can fall into the realm of normal childhood curiosity..it also may not--that is not known.

I think I would call the mom on the phone, thank her so much for addressing this directly with her son by having him apologize. Get together with her and see what she thinks about what happened..she sounds pretty responsible from the limited info we know from your post. I think then I would just say (depending upon what she says) that the kids should always have supervision when they play together. I would make sure either you or dh is providing this, even if the mom agrees.

The other thing I would take into account is how your dd is feeling about this. Is she fine and feeling it is no big deal. Or is she acting differently/not wanting to be around the boy? I would say more about this, but have to go so will write more later if no one else addresses what I was going to say!

[JustMe]

I would add that if your dd is acting differently/now wanting to be around the boy, I would certainly make sure that she does not have to be around him for a while.

I know you said there was no touching, but I started the appropriate vs inappropriate touch conversation, as well as the these are your private parts (I used correct names) early and in your case I would do the same.

[Indianamom2]

Sorry you are dealing with this. On a positive note, though, I think there are some things that indicate that this may not be as bad as it may seem.

--It sounds like you are saying the boy told his mom what happened (you said your dh sent him home). That is positive in that he did not lie and actually chose to tell his mom.
--The mom came over and had him apologize. This means that she recognizes it was not okay and is not avoiding dealing with it. I actually think she handled it very well.
--Although the age difference is significant, this can fall into the realm of normal childhood curiosity..it also may not--that is not known.

I think I would call the mom on the phone, thank her so much for addressing this directly with her son by having him apologize. Get together with her and see what she thinks about what happened..she sounds pretty responsible from the limited info we know from your post. I think then I would just say (depending upon what she says) that the kids should always have supervision when they play together. I would make sure either you or dh is providing this, even if the mom agrees.

The other thing I would take into account is how your dd is feeling about this. Is she fine and feeling it is no big deal. Or is she acting differently/not wanting to be around the boy? I would say more about this, but have to go so will write more later if no one else addresses what I was going to say!

I think this approach sounds reasonable. It was likely nothing, but I would definitely always supervise from here on out and it also would all depend on how your DD feels about the whole thing.

[hillview]

I agree with JustMe.

[123LuckyMom]

I agree with JustMe also. I would take your cue from your DD. If she's not upset, I'd just keep an eye on their play and make sure nothing untoward is going on. My guess, though, is that this was innocent play but that all the kids have now learned undressing in play is not appropriate. I think there's no need to think that you cannot continue to have this boy around your family or that you can't continue to have the families together unless you observe other things you find disturbing going forward.

[Philly Mom]

I agree with JustMe also. I would take your cue from your DD. If she's not upset, I'd just keep an eye on their play and make sure nothing untoward is going on. My guess, though, is that this was innocent play but that all the kids have now learned undressing in play is not appropriate. I think there's no need to think that you cannot continue to have this boy around your family or that you can't continue to have the families together unless you observe other things you find disturbing going forward.

I agree and I will add that my 3 yo loves to take off her clothes. She does it all the time. I did the same as a kid. If she is fine, follow that cue.

[Indianamom2]

I forgot to add...my newly 5 year old Ds would (and mostly does) live in his underwear around the house. So I can honestly see him playing with good friends and not even thinking twice about taking his clothes off (down to undies only).

[Pepper]

I agree with the PPs - sounds like you have addressed the incident, and there don't seem to be any red flags that something more is going on. I read in some parenting book once that with regard to kids and their bodies, if what they are doing appears to be spontaneous and playful, don't be worry. But if it's not then they may be cause for concern.

How old is NB? I would be less concerned if he's young, like under 9-10.

[frugal mom]

I have to differ. I would be alarmed. The neighbor boy is 7-- I think that's old enough to know that it's wrong to undress a 3 y.o. girl, especially one that's not a family member. I would talk to his parents and ask them what discussions they've had with him about private areas. Unless they truly convince you that he's very naive in this area and that this conduct was truely innocent, at this point I would not feel comfortable with him being alone with either of my children. Sorry to take the extreme view, but this one just made me uncomfortable.