Thoughts on this case/article?

[Gena]

I did not read the article as vilifying autism or the victim. I think it was trying to put the picture in perspective. I personally think that there is a difference between this situation and a parent who kills a toddler for soiling their diaper for instance. Kinda like I can understand a dv victim killing their spouse in their sleep. It is NOT ok. But yes, I can have pity over the first vs rage over the latter.

This just proves the point. Comparing Kelli Stapleton to a domestic violence victim IS the problem. It's turning the tables - making Kelli the victim and Issy the perpetrator. It IS vilifying Issy (and autism) and it is justifying the attempted murder. This type of "perspective" puts all people with autism or other disabilities at risk.

If you say "it's not OK, but I understand it" or "it's not OK, but I feel bad for everyone involved" that's justifying it and making excuses for murder. It's not OK - period - end of sentence.

[California]

Gena, I have to disagree- saying "it's not OK, but I feel bad for everyone involved" is not justifying or making excuses for murder. Compassion is not the same thing as condoning. I do feel badly for this entire family, mom included. Being knocked unconscious twice can cause serious, life long brain damage. Bad headaches are common after two concussions. Add in the PTSD. SoCal has a lot of military families so PTSD is in the news all the time. People suffering PTSD can be more abusive to their partners. They are more on edge, likely to consider suicide, and to feel hopeless and depressed. They do not think rationally. Here spousal abuse is a serious problem for returning vets. I can have compassion for those vets and the experiences they've gone through without in any way saying that spousal abuse is OK. Same for this situation.

Thank you StantonHyde for sharing that about your work. The one thing I'm not clear on is how accessible residential care is for families. Aside from the major hurdle of overcoming social taboos, it's seems like there is so much resistance from health care insurance to providing that level of care.

[georgiegirl]

Gena, I have to disagree- saying "it's not OK, but I feel bad for everyone involved" is not justifying or making excuses for murder. Compassion is not the same thing as condoning. I do feel badly for this entire family, mom included.
.

Agree! How could you not feel bad for the mom who is being physically assaulted? My stepmom gets pinched hard and has her hair yanked by her adult child on a daily basis. And worse stuff I don't feel comfortable sharing. I feel bad for her. Does that justify murder...of course not. But acknowledging it's difficult is okay. My half brother is not autistic, but he's mentally and emotionally a 2 year old and he has several autistic "traits" (perseveration and certain sensory seeking/avoiding behaviors). There nothing wrong with admitting having a violent specials needs child is hard.

[MamaMolly]

I thought the article did a good job of showing how dear Issy is. I don't think it made her into 'less than' because she has violent outbursts. And to be honest I felt like the article did a better job of being fair to the mom than she did for herself. Her blog entry left a bad taste in my mouth for some reason. I can't put my finger on it. I want to say there was an hysterical edge to it, a 'notice me! notice me!' quality that had a lot to do with mom and less to do with the child? I'm fumbling here. I think if I need help I would use a more serious tone. Gallows humor has a place but not in a desperate entreaty for help, as this post was supposed to be.

Another thought to consider is that this is the only article that I've read on the issue, much less about this particular case. I imagine it is something that in autistic parenting circles is pretty widely known. But for me it hadn't really even hit my radar until now. At the very least we are talking about it!!

[MamaMolly]

I know that there needs to be more services available to parents. I know that parenting a child with a disability -with multiple disabilities- is hard. I know what it's like to have a violent child. (There are a lot of things about DS that I don't share here because this is a public forum.)

Yes, it is vitally important to get parents to understand that it's OK to turn care of a child over to someone else. Yes, options like therapeutic foster care or residential facilities need to be more acceptable, more available, and more effective.

But lack of services or resources is not the only reason this is happening. Kelli Stapleton had access to services. She refused them. She didn't even wait to see the results of Issy's latest treatments. Jude Mirra's mother (GiGi Jordan - another case currently in the news) is a multimillionaire. She could have had any services in the world. She chose to force feed her 7 year old autistic son a lethal mixture of drugs and vodka.

The real reason this is happening is simply that society does not give the lives of disabled people the same value it places on the lives non-disabled people. The fact is, the killing of disabled children is not new. The ancient Greeks and Romans did it. So did the nazis. There are countries in Europe that either have laws or are considering laws to legalize the euthanasia of disabled infants and children.

Until we as a society stop seeing disabled people as less worthy or less than human, this will keep happening.

You have such a good point here. I thought the mom was being refused services, not the other way around.

[StantonHyde]

On the access to/refusing services. One--absolutely getting access to services can be very difficult and costly depending on the child's diagnosis. And Gena's post in the Special Needs Parenting Forum (which I go to because my son has dyslexia/ADD/anxiety) about trying to find a good Middle School with services for children with autism points to a big gap in the system----services for teens and adults with autism are not nearly as prevalent as services for young children. (and that's sad given that services for young children with autism need to be greatly improved!!) Or there are good services but those places/schools/specialists are limited in how many people they can serve. Utah has a very high autism rate. There has been ONE school for kids with autism. Just within the last 3-5 years, they have opened 2-3 charter schools for kids on the spectrum. There is a lottery to get in. 2 children at my son's school got in this year--and they are in the 6th grade so it took a while!

And, then there is the whole issue of getting insurance to pay for treatment--that's a HUGE obstacle!

But even for people with money--admitting there is a problem and that you need help is STILL an obstacle. At my daughter's school there is a wonderful boy with autism. He struggled mightily but made it through k-8. HIs parents have plenty of money and are very bright. They have NEVER sought assistance for this boy and he needed it--his life would be so much better and richer with it. But, nope, there was no problem there!! I am continually astonished at how I continually here from people "You are such an amazing parent--once you figured out your son had issues, you got him help and got on it." Well, no sh!t. What was I supposed to do? Keep banging my head against a wall and watch him lose all self confidence etc etc. Unfortunately, that is the path so many people take--because they want the external appearance of looking calm, cool, collected and perfect.

Again, we need to remove the stigma of asking for help.

[Gena]

Agree! How could you not feel bad for the mom who is being physically assaulted? My stepmom gets pinched hard and has her hair yanked by her adult child on a daily basis. And worse stuff I don't feel comfortable sharing. I feel bad for her. Does that justify murder...of course not. But acknowledging it's difficult is okay. My half brother is not autistic, but he's mentally and emotionally a 2 year old and he has several autistic "traits" (perseveration and certain sensory seeking/avoiding behaviors). There nothing wrong with admitting having a violent specials needs child is hard.

I have a ton of compassion for parents who are parenting a child who is disabled, difficult and/or violent. I have a ton of compassion for parents who are trying to find the resources (services and funding) they need to help their families. I have a ton of compassion, right up until the point when they kill their kids (or try to).

The big picture is that Kelli Stapleton is not an isolated case. Far too many parents have killed their autistic children, for the simple reason of autism. Many, many of these cases had nothing to do with violence or lack of resources.

Rylan Rochester was 6 months old when his mother (a nurse at a children’s hospital) smothered him because she was afraid he might have autism (might).

Katie McCarron was an autistic 3 year old when she was smothered by her mother (a doctor). The family had plenty of resources and support, including live-in grandparents and two full-time paid caregivers for Katie.

Marcus Fiesel was an autistic 3 year old when his foster parents locked him in a closet (bound in a blanket and duct tape) and want away for a weekend. Upon returning and finding him dead (probably from the heat), they incinerated his body and claimed he had gone missing from a local park. Marcus’s biological mother had voluntarily placed her children in foster care because she was unable to care for them.

There are so many more stories. I could go on, but I'm on my lunch break.

The media always reports these as showing how terrible autism is, how hopeless it is, how parents are plunged into the depth of despair. That’s the cultural impression we are up against.

[Mopey]

I appreciate all the opinions and info, thanks everyone. I also didn't mean to upset anyone by posting. Clearly these are not mainstream topics for all of us and as a PP wrote, maybe it is good that we at least are talking and learning.

I thought the part in the article about the teacher (friend of mom I think?) talking to her students about the situation and how after being outraged when they thought it was a spouse, fell silent upon learning it was a child is a perfect example as well: it is a foreign idea to so many of us, and confusing in many ways as we learn and try to relate. Or even just wrap our heads around all of it. But just like with "traditional" abuse I think the more we can all learn about and sympathize with, the better to make others aware and get people help. IMHO.

[doberbrat]

This just proves the point. Comparing Kelli Stapleton to a domestic violence victim IS the problem. It's turning the tables - making Kelli the victim and Issy the perpetrator. It IS vilifying Issy (and autism) and it is justifying the attempted murder. This type of "perspective" puts all people with autism or other disabilities at risk.

If you say "it's not OK, but I understand it" or "it's not OK, but I feel bad for everyone involved" that's justifying it and making excuses for murder. It's not OK - period - end of sentence.

I in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM Condone what she has done. But, I DO feel more compassion/pity for her than for instance, the mother who killed her infant because they MIGHT have autism. (who I think ought to be strung up by her toes dipped in honey and left for the bears to eat)

I dont think "victim" is exactly the right word, but Kelli has suffered due to her daughter's condition. She has been on the receiving end of much of the violence. We all know when a child does something wrong, people so often point fingers at the mother. I'm sure the entire family was affected. All I'm saying is I can understand that sometimes, people crack under pressure. and I can see where she MIGHT have been feeling so much stress anxiety that she might FEEL like this was the best choice. I do NOT think that it is ever a viable solution. I do NOT agree that this was or should ever be the best choice. I dont think she should be absolved in any way and I do feel like she should go to jail.

But I do feel a little sorry for her and certainly the entire family. And I'm very sad for all the families who struggle with such difficult circumstances and lack of support and resources.

FWIW, I know that I live in my own little pollyanna world, but I truly did not ever consider that this might be a common issue. Nor did it ever occur to me that it might be legal in some places. That is truly disturbing

[Pennylane]

I just find this article so heart wrenching. I do not agree with her decision AT ALL to end the girls life but I also can't imagine what type of life this woman must of had. Did not sound like her DH did a lot to help her.

Ann


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