DD's basketball coach is mean!

[calebsmama03]

Apparently, I'm in the minority...but I stick to my first opinion. If a coach was being this negative with my kid (especially my daughter) I wouldn't be okay with it. I get that there are constructive and tough ways to coach kids in middle school, but I also think threatening them with something so unhelpful as running for an hour and a half is the antithesis of that. And yes my kid is only 6 but I played competitive sports growing up and not one of my coaches was demeaning. They pushed me..yes...but put me down...nope.

And honestly, I think this bad behavior by coaches with continue if we let it continue.

I agree with you 100%. It is freaking rec ball!!

That's harsh. I do expect any adult in an authority position to treat my child with care and respect all of the time. There are nicer ways to teach lessons without being mean. I do not think that sensitivity is a negative trait that they need to get rid of. They just need to learn to counter it with confidence, and being belittled will not help them do that.

Exactly. There is a difference between coddling and respect/basic human decency! Belittling a kid is never ok. Especially by an adult in a position of trust who is supposed to be teaching them.

I wish I could like this post. Why do your kids play sports? Exercise, social reasons and fun - all great reasons! I would like to add: (1) how to win with grace; (2) how to lose; (3) how to deal with coaches who suck, who are awesome, who expect too much, are tough, etc.; (4) pushing yourself when you don't feel like it, or it's hot, cold, wet, hungry, tired, etc.

No one is trying to get rid of any sensitivity trait. The way to manage it is with confidence, as is noted above. The way to get confidence is work hard.

This is REC BALL!!! Kids play to have fun, get some exercise and learn the basics. That kind of coaching puts kids off team sports completely and is uncalled for. It also does nothing to teach kids how to win or lose with grace- it just reinforces the flawed thinking that "winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing". You don't gain confidence simply by working hard. You need a supportive and encouraging environment to build and foster that confidence. Running is fine (but wasting an entire practice on it to punish is stupid) but the coaches attitude is bordering on abusive. Period.

[KpbS]

Nope, in no way do I think this is ok. They are, what..12??! Um no. I'm not all about coddling kids but this to be is bordering on emotional abuse IMO. I wouldn't send my kid into that and I would definitely be contacting the organizer.

I totally agree. These are children, learning how to play a sport, have fun, get exercise, etc. This is a rec league, not a college level team. I have no problem with having the kids work hard and exercise hard. The yelling, the insults, etc. not necessary. Think of how many people have had sports completely ruined for them because of "coaching" like this. Shameful.

[KpbS]

That's harsh. I do expect any adult in an authority position to treat my child with care and respect all of the time. There are nicer ways to teach lessons without being mean. I do not think that sensitivity is a negative trait that they need to get rid of. They just need to learn to counter it with confidence, and being belittled will not help them do that.

Bolded is mine. I agree 100%. I pulled my DC from school this year to homeschool him because his teacher was disrespecting him and the entire class. Coaches and teachers are leaders who model behavior for our kids to learn how to respect authority and treat one another. When they do it badly, the consequences can be truly terrible.

[Kindra178]

I agree with you 100%. It is freaking rec ball!!



Exactly. There is a difference between coddling and respect/basic human decency! Belittling a kid is never ok. Especially by an adult in a position of trust who is supposed to be teaching them.


This is REC BALL!!! Kids play to have fun, get some exercise and learn the basics. That kind of coaching puts kids off team sports completely and is uncalled for. It also does nothing to teach kids how to win or lose with grace- it just reinforces the flawed thinking that "winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing". You don't gain confidence simply by working hard. You need a supportive and encouraging environment to build and foster that confidence. Running is fine (but wasting an entire practice on it to punish is stupid) but the coaches attitude is bordering on abusive. Period.

How do you teach a kid how to lose? Why does that belief support "winning is the only thing?" How do you teach a middle school aged kid that life isn't necessarily fair? That you can work hard and things still might not go your way? That it's fun to win but ok to lose, and how you lose is important too. 6th grade is a getting old these days to learn the basics (I hate to say that and I really wish that wasn't the case). Finally, around here, many kids play the rec league as extra fun, in addition to their more time consuming travel league.

[minnie-zb]

While I think the tone was harsh, no it wouldn't bother me. I guess one thing we've done as parents is realize our kids are going to encounter a lot of different people as they grow and not all of them are going to have good attitudes or styles we appreciate. I feel like it's my job as a parent to help them learn how to work with that person/style. I'm not always going to be able to protect them and it's more important for them to learn to cope with these situations vs. trying to make the situation perfect. To me it's a teaching moment and the opportunity for a dialogue with a child.

[Binkandabee]

Thank you for the insight. This is one of those things for me that just doesn't "feel" right to me as a parent. There's nothing really at stake here, it's not highschool, colleg or professional basketbal...it's a tiny church league, so I truly don't understand the pressure to win. The 14 and under group has 4 teams. DD got into this strictly for fun and she and several of her teammates were in tears after their game last week...NOT because they lost (they've lost every game, they're definitely used to it) but because of how they were treated by their coach. This, despite being on the board with points for the first time all season. They should have been celebrating that small victory, IMO...not being threatened. "Get in the game or you'll regret it?" That's incredibly harsh for beginner 11 year olds, IMO. To me, saying something along the lines of "Pick it up ladies or you will be running laps" gets the same message across but in a much gentler tone.

I think what I may do is write to the head organizer and set forth why we won't be returning, and not necessarily in a way that I am requesting the coach change her style, but rather just stating facts and see what his response is. This is an income source for them, so I'm sure if nothing else they would be interested in knowing why we aren't returning.

[boolady]

Thank you for the insight. This is one of those things for me that just doesn't "feel" right to me as a parent. There's nothing really at stake here, it's not highschool, colleg or professional basketbal...it's a tiny church league, so I truly don't understand the pressure to win.

Well, I don't like to think that coaches have to resort to nastiness, but the fact is that sports are about winning. They are about sportsmanship, and teamwork, and a whole host of other things, including learning how to win and lose gracefully, but at the end of the day, sports are a competitive activity. There's no such thing as a sport that's collaborative in nature, other than with your teammates. So to say that there's nothing at stake, therefore there should be no inducement to win, means that you're stripping the experience of a lot of what it is about. You learn from playing with players who are better or worse than you, from playing teams that are better or worse than you, and by getting out there over and over. But if you're not actively trying to score in a game of any sport, with winning as the ultimate goal, I'm not sure where the incentive to ever do better or be better comes from.

[HannaAddict]

I know there are bad coaches but the OP said in her own post that the coaching looked normal and what the coach said didn't sound "mean" or cruel or abusive or condescending. She isn't going to literally run the kids for an hour and a half but probably have a more intense practice if they aren't playing with the intensity she thinks they are capable of. It didn't sound like she said they have to win. There is a huge difference between kindy, third grade etc. and 6th grade too and maybe some posters don't get that. School and even rec sports aren't going to be all hearts and flowers and kind and gentle for special snowflakes by 6th grade. I just didn't see condescending meanness in what the OP said. Belittling, no. Saying you aren't playing well and even like "crap" isn't the end of the world, nor is an intense practice.

[carolinacool]

There is a huge difference between kindy, third grade etc. and 6th grade too and maybe some posters don't get that. School and even rec sports aren't going to be all hearts and flowers and kind and gentle for special snowflakes by 6th grade. I just didn't see condescending meanness in what the OP said. Belittling, no. Saying you aren't playing well and even like "crap" isn't the end of the world, nor is an intense practice.

This. And what Boo Lady said as well. There's losing while giving your all and losing because you're OK with losing. Maybe the coach is sensing that.

[elektra]

Just pull her if you feel it's too harsh. My mom pulled my brother and me from a beginner after-school karate class when I was in 5th grade and he was in first. The teacher was right out of the Cobra Kais!! She not only yelled but made fun of kids, and even singled out one boy. She called him a wimp and a dog. It was just all wrong, especially for our school. So we just stopped. No talk of finishing or not quitting or anything. That being said, it was the only time my mom did anything like that. I had plenty of coaches in my life who were "harsh" or told us we were doing something horrible, or made us run. I am sensitive and for me it while it was hard to hear and hurt my feelings, it actually gave me confidence in the end. The coaches knew I could succeed and that is why they pushed. Certain sports aren't for everyone.