Work/life balance conundrum

[westwoodmom04]

As someone who has struggled with being a workaholic pre-kids, I wonder how much changing jobs, as opposing to changing attitudes/behaviors will really make a difference. I can see freelancing becoming equally oppressive for a high achiever, because worries about staying busy enough, and keeping clients happy keep the work docket overfull. When I work outside the home, I often struggle to make sure that I delegate as much work as I can, and know when work product is good enough, as opposed to completely perfect. I have seen so many successful people that work too much because they are reluctant to delegate. And it is more work on the front end, because people need to be trained to do the work and you need to figure out their respective strength and weakneses. But once work is more equitably distributed, and the "good enough" standard is in place, work gets done a lot quicker.

[JustMe]

Agreed, current pace is unsustainable.
I actually don't have to tell my company anything - nothing to sign...just have to be here through this time next year. So, if I decide to quit before then, then I just won't get the retention bonus which would be totally fine with me. I guess the bad thing about that is that it takes away some negotiating power.

!

Does it take away all of your negotiating power? Can you say to your boss or whoever in HR would be appropriate that you are glad you appreciate the company's efforts to show how valuable you are to them. You wonder if there is any way your bonus/promotion/raise (whatever word you use) can happen more in time than in money; that being able to work less hours is a lot more important to you than the money (if it is).

If not, I tend to stay, yes, stick it out for the year and make a decision then. However, if your gut and real life needs are telling you this just doesn't work for you, than I would listen to that too.

[twowhat?]

As someone who has struggled with being a workaholic pre-kids, I wonder how much changing jobs, as opposing to changing attitudes/behaviors will really make a difference. I can see freelancing becoming equally oppressive for a high achiever, because worries about staying busy enough, and keeping clients happy keep the work docket overfull. When I work outside the home, I often struggle to make sure that I delegate as much work as I can, and know when work product is good enough, as opposed to completely perfect. I have seen so many successful people that work too much because they are reluctant to delegate. And it is more work on the front end, because people need to be trained to do the work and you need to figure out their respective strength and weakneses. But once work is more equitably distributed, and the "good enough" standard is in place, work gets done a lot quicker.

Yeah, you totally hit the nail on the head on ALL OF THIS. I think I need to change my attitude/behavior in order to make this work (if I want to make it work). I'm totally working on that right now.

[theriviera]

Yeah, you totally hit the nail on the head on ALL OF THIS. I think I need to change my attitude/behavior in order to make this work (if I want to make it work). I'm totally working on that right now.

I think westwoodmom04 makes a great point. I feel like I've become ruthless at prioritizing. However, I was like that before kids. It didn't mean that I left at 5 but I did push back on work that I felt like didn't move us forward. I've had disorganized managers and when they are all over the place, it creates a lot of unnecessary work. How much of that is going on in your current role? With the promotion, do you feel like you can help prioritize better with management, making things better for you and the people that work for you?

It's hard, hugs. But you sound like you are AWESOME at what you do. Don't sell yourself short by saying that you have great clients. That is too many coincidences. You are good at what you do, and your clients appreciate it.

Best of luck!

[123LuckyMom]

Since you don't need to do anything but stick around to get the bonus and promotion, I would do nothing. Meanwhile I would start really assessing the feasibility of freelancing. My experience (from seeing others) is that everyone thinks being their own boss will free up time and make work more pleasurable but that most people end up working longer hours and/or earning far less. The stress of being solely responsible for maintaining client relationships can be taxing for many. Unless you have a rock solid source of referrals, panic can take over, and you can end up with a far worse work/life balance. You've also mentioned a few times that you might be able a to influence changes at your current company,and I think it might be worth sticking around to see if you could. If not, you can take your money and run.

[Indianamom2]

I have not read the lean in book, but if you're already working every night and every weekend, how much more "in" can you lean?

I would think carefully about the promotion. Look at the people who already have this job and what their work schedules are like. I would be concerned that it will mean more time in the office and face time with upper management. Can you do that? Or I guess the question is are you willing to make the trade offs that will come with that?

It's hugely flattering to be told you're a star performer, that clients like you, and the business wants you to move up. You should be proud of those accomplishments. But I would think about what moving upward in this organization will mean for you and your life. Are there other options at other companies? Is it just the people in this company that are workaholics? Or is this the typical culture of the companies that do your work? I would think about sideways movement that might put you in a different type of career trajectory.

I will also say that freelance work can be hugely stressful. My DH is a freelance consultant. In some ways he sets his own hours, but in other ways he is completely at the mercy of his clients. Time not billed is time not paid. There is no "paid" vacation. You have to be willing and able to charge a high enough hourly billable rate to make the "down time" not so stressful. He also spends a very large portion of his time marketing himself and his business. You have to have a thick skin when people say no thanks to working with you, and you have to be willing to approach potential clients and put out proposals that get rejected.

I haven't read any further than this reply, so this might all be moot by now, but the way you are describing yourself (introvert who gets rave unsolicited client reviews and a company who will do lots to try to keep you) is very much like my DH. He was an attorney at a large law firm and he was very good at his job. However, life at a law firm, even those touted as "family friendly" (to which I just laugh) is anything but family-friendly. After 12 long years of trying to get a better work/life balance and trying his best to make it work, ultimately his career just wasn't family-oriented. So despite turning down desperate pleas to stay and promises of more money and better balance (which they'd promised before) he walked away and became a trust officer for a bank. He lost a third of his pay (and I SAH) and I won't lie, it has hurt, but he is so much less stressed and he has been able to be involved in our family in ways he desperately wanted to be before, but simply couldn't. No more guilt over missing everything or stress over what he would have to do to make up work. I can't express the freedom that the change gave us all. I can't even imagine how we would have survived last year when I had multiple surgeries and the inability to drive from time to time.

You already know money doesn't equal happiness. The pace you're keeping doesn't seem feasible for the long-term. Personally, I think the idea that we can "have it all" just isn't true. We can have a lot. We can have some of all....but at some point we have to choose what is most important. When we look back at our lives, what do we want to have accomplished? What do hope our legacy will be? And ultimately, only you can answer that question because it will be different for every person.

[lovin2shop]

I was at a similar crossroads many years ago, when I realized that my current job which involved long hours and travel, was just not possible anymore. I planned to stick it out to get a year end bonus, and then was going to stay at home. Mentally, I was ready to quit forever. But, then a unique opportunity opened up for me professionally, and it looked more promising from a work life balance standpoint. Even though I was so ready to not work ever again, I'm SO glad that I hung in there. I've been in this job for 15 years now. But, the thing is, this job very well could have sucked me into the same long hours and travel again. But, having nothing too lose since I was going to quit anyway, it empowered me to set my own boundaries. I very much had/have an attitude that I'm going to do my job very well, but it will be when and how I want to do it. If the company doesn't like it, it is their loss. This has served me very well, and now that my kids are older, I'm so happy to still be in my career. There were some tough years in there, but it was worth it.

For your current employer to give you the retention bonus, they fully recognize that they could lose you. It sounds like you have a lot of leeway to turn both your current position and a future promotion into everything that you might want it to be. Good luck!

[twowhat?]

I was at a similar crossroads many years ago, when I realized that my current job which involved long hours and travel, was just not possible anymore. I planned to stick it out to get a year end bonus, and then was going to stay at home. Mentally, I was ready to quit forever. But, then a unique opportunity opened up for me professionally, and it looked more promising from a work life balance standpoint. Even though I was so ready to not work ever again, I'm SO glad that I hung in there. I've been in this job for 15 years now. But, the thing is, this job very well could have sucked me into the same long hours and travel again. But, having nothing too lose since I was going to quit anyway, it empowered me to set my own boundaries. I very much had/have an attitude that I'm going to do my job very well, but it will be when and how I want to do it. If the company doesn't like it, it is their loss. This has served me very well, and now that my kids are older, I'm so happy to still be in my career. There were some tough years in there, but it was worth it.

For your current employer to give you the retention bonus, they fully recognize that they could lose you. It sounds like you have a lot of leeway to turn both your current position and a future promotion into everything that you might want it to be. Good luck!

Thanks for your story. Everyone made some great points. I'm sticking it out - for now - but won't discount the possibility of quitting if it comes down to it. Some great points made about freelancing also...the successful freelancers that I know who make 200K+ in this field also work 50 hours a week. Which won't fly with me! It does make me wonder if it would be incredibly difficult to freelance "just" 30 hours a week and be able to keep demanding clients happy, etc.

Anyway just in the past few days I've spoken up about a couple of things and have gotten positive support on my ideas...so that is going in the right direction. I do feel like I've already earned the promotion...so I should at least stick it out and GET it. At the very least it will be helpful for me for whatever direction I might take later.

[kdeunc]

Glad you are getting positive responses! Hope it all works out well for you!