How to reign in my comments

[specialp]

There is some truth to trying to see if there is any good in the people. But I know that all relationships are unique with their own baggage. It might not be possible for you and I get that, but sharing my situation.

I had a poor relationship with my in-laws many years ago which caused a lot of issues in our new marriage, but I couldn’t say anything bad about them as people. It was their role as parents that bothered me. I eventually saw my ILs as good people who just had more kids than they had time and attention to give. Someone is going to lose and that was DH because he was not a demanding kid. He adapted, forged his own way, made his own tribe out of friends, moved away, etc. It was me that couldn’t stand it because there was such an obvious disparity and I wanted to make him/us on the same level. It doesn’t work that way. DH loves them dearly and again, they are truly are good people. But we have no delusions about our place. There is good in not having them really involved in our lives, but sad too, because it truly never occurs to DH to contact them when something good is going on and it isn’t my role.

Now…. I do protect my kids from it as much as I can. They are too little to understand.

[hellokitty]

I have a very similar relationship with my mil, so I kwym. Esp the part about how at least if they visit you, you can stay busy. However, it's hard to stay busy at someone else's place. Does your dh want to spend time with his family? Or is he also looking for time away? If so, and your son gets a chance to spend time with extended family, this might be a nice time to go on some dates/outings with the excuse that the two of you never get a chance to do this at home. Find some interesting places on your, "to do" list and make it out as if you want to explore the area.

The few times we have visisted mil/fil we have done this. Granted, these are simply day trips, but times when I have stayed overnight, I go on LOTS of shopping trips. They live in area wth better shopping... so it's not outlandish. Mil did express that it was rude when sil and I both went shopping together, but she gets jealous and doesn't want sil and I to have a good relationship. If we spend any time w/o her, she gets upset (b/c he has two seperate sets of lies she has told both of us... we know, b/c we have compared notes before and are fully aware). When you get to this point, I worry very little about appearing rude to toxic in laws. My mil expects everyone to be trapped in her home, I hate it and make plans. She doesn't like it, but I don't care. Otherwise, I'd need to be drunk or heavily medicated to do it her way, or else I'd need HER to be heavily medicated for me to deal with her, but of course, she won't take meds (her doctor has tried...).

Good luck! See it as just a place to stay and you can explore the region.

[niccig]

Thanks everyone for all the great suggestions for keeping myself busy while we're there. My problem is that I can no longer contain the snark. I used to be able to bite my tongue, just go along for the visit. MIL showed her true colors and we had a huge blow-up. I don't have much to do with her, say Hi when she facetimes with DH/DS or they visited here, and those visits are much easier. When we go there, SIL is thrown into the mix, and everything is just much more difficult. We're only visiting because I insisted so DH could see them (he has no vacation time left), and now I'm regretting suggesting it, as I have to deal with them on their home turf.

I can understand suggesting finding the good. I've accepted that I don't like them and they don't like me. MIL is racist and narrow minded, and as I'm a foreigner (as she's reminded me), everything I do is "strange". Putting tomatoes on my grilled cheese sandwich was met with disdain and derision I'm not going to try to get them to like me anymore, and I don't have to like them. I just have to be polite/civil for 5 days, then I get to leave. Since I've stepped back and defer all IL related issues to DH, it's been much less stressful for me. DH hasn't been so happy about it as he now gets all the emails/phone calls, but it's his family drama.

[BunnyBee]

I would reign in the snark, but I wouldn't take abuse silently. Can your therapist offer some suggestions for phrases to practice and repeat?

[Green_Tea]

Thanks everyone for all the great suggestions for keeping myself busy while we're there. My problem is that I can no longer contain the snark. I used to be able to bite my tongue, just go along for the visit. MIL showed her true colors and we had a huge blow-up. I don't have much to do with her, say Hi when she facetimes with DH/DS or they visited here, and those visits are much easier. When we go there, SIL is thrown into the mix, and everything is just much more difficult. We're only visiting because I insisted so DH could see them (he has no vacation time left), and now I'm regretting suggesting it, as I have to deal with them on their home turf.

I can understand suggesting finding the good. I've accepted that I don't like them and they don't like me. MIL is racist and narrow minded, and as I'm a foreigner (as she's reminded me), everything I do is "strange". Putting tomatoes on my grilled cheese sandwich was met with disdain and derision I'm not going to try to get them to like me anymore, and I don't have to like them. I just have to be polite/civil for 5 days, then I get to leave. Since I've stepped back and defer all IL related issues to DH, it's been much less stressful for me. DH hasn't been so happy about it as he now gets all the emails/phone calls, but it's his family drama.

Grilled cheese with tomato is my favorite food and I was raised in the US. Clearly your in-laws are mad!

[California]

Put vegemite in their stockings!

But seriously... it sounds like you want to come out of this feeling comfortable with your own behavior. If no snark is your goal, then it may help to keep reminding yourself that you are doing this, ultimately, for your own well being. You're trying to strengthen your own sense of self and calm, so that you can sway with her remarks without letting her topple you over into making comments that you aren't comfortable with.

You are a speech therapist, right? Are there any deep breathing exercises that you do? I find with my own kids and students deep breathing exercises are an immediate way to start calming down in a stressful situation. We do five fingered breathing (it's very easy for them to remember.) Breathe in slowly counting to five, hold for five, exhale for five, keep breath out for five, then start over. Do this for five breaths (five fingers). By the time you get to the third breath you'll most likely feel a deeper sense of calm as your heart rate slows down. Deep breathes are a good first response. It'll give you a second to feel calmer and decide how you want to respond. It sounds like you've made huge strides having DH handle his own family. So maybe the response is to just defer to your DH. Maybe have a code word that let's him know you need an out. He can take over the conversation while you make a quick escape to the bathroom, for a walk, or to um, catch up on work you have for your new job. You know, all those piles of books you've been trying to get through but haven't had the time :-)

ETA: Also a grilled cheese with tomato lover here. Must be a BBB thing!

[blisstwins]

Grilled cheese with tomato is my favorite food and I was raised in the US. Clearly your in-laws are mad!

yes. I am American and grew up eating grilled cheese like this....they are weird.

[Ms B]

yes. I am American and grew up eating grilled cheese like this....they are weird.

Exactly.

Maybe put bacon on the sandwiches and blow their minds?

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[mikala]

Exactly.

Maybe put bacon on the sandwiches and blow their minds?

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Dang it, now you all have me craving a BLT!

[mackmama]

I can commiserate with the snark. Honestly getting to the place of being able to be a bit snarky and real was actually a positive for me (rather than just taking it all silently). Now I'm working to reign it back a bit without returning to the other end of the spectrum. So maybe you don't need to let go of the snark but just acknowledge that the snark is your way of standing up for yourself and validating the absurdity. Then ask yourself how you can achieve those same things without saying something that will ultimately cause you more stress. For me, I believe it's learning to be a bit more direct without snark but enough to call out the behavior. I think about what Paul Reiser might do. Real but not aggressive and tamely incredulous with a touch of ironic humor.