Do you visit the graves of loved ones?

[icunurse]

Yes. I was just there a week ago. I try to visit 4-5 times/yr (around Mothers Day, Fathers Day, before Christmas, early Spring). It's mainly to place flowers (or remove them before the cemetery tosses them - I typically can reuse the Christmas wreaths) or general upkeep (I trim around the headstones, kill some weeds, etc). Not sure if it's a Polish thing or a generational thing, but my Grandma and her family were frequent visitors to the cemetary for upkeep. I remember going with her as a small child and fetching the water. After my Mom died, my Dad and I would go to visit the site almost weekly just to check on it (it was right by our breakfast place). Now that my Dad is gone, too, there isn't anyone to check on all the graves. So I guess it's me. I laugh when I see weeds or overgrowth because I know my Grandma and a couple other relatives would be furious about it lol So I help them to rest in peace The cemetery is about an hour from my house, so I turn it into a trip where I can visit all my old haunts and get my favorite foods from childhood.

I still talk to my parents all the time and I am surprised that I still get teary when I am pulling into the cemetery. My breath catches a little. But it is also quiet and calming to me to just do a few things, be able to mentally talk to them, think about them. I guess the visits for upkeep just seem respectful to me.

[Simon]

We go to visit the graves of my Mother's family, usually with my Mom because she likes it and uses that as a chance to tell stories about relatives I never met, stories of the family farm. I think that she feels like it is a chance to hand down family history, though I honestly don't remember much at all from those visits. No one usually cries but it is a time of remembering.

[rlu]

Yes. Mom is buried on our church grounds, so we visit weekly. My dad bought plants for the area that we helped plant.

MIL has family buried in her home town. When we visit there, we visit the graves.

I plan to have the majority of my ashes spread in the ocean off our favorite beach, with the idea if someone wants to "visit" that beach/cliff area would be the place to go. I hope send a few up into space too - but haven't paid for that yet.

[twowhat?]

I don't see a point. My loved ones aren't there. It's just their body. I honor them in my heart and thoughts nearly daily. My parents visit my grandparents grave regularly. My paternal Grandfather passed when my dad was 14 and they visited his grave regularly. My Grandmother always made a fuss about visiting the graves. Perhaps their visiting is a carry over of her guilt trip to visit (she could lay a pretty potent guilt trip on her boys

Anyway, I'm largely anti-grave. As a tree hugging hippie and generally not religious type, it seems wasteful.

Now, if I had an older gravesite on my property, I would make sure it was kept nice, be respectful of it, and welcome visiting family.

This is kind of where I stand, though I'm probably not as tree hugging hippie

DH's grandfather's ashes are in an urn in a mausoleum, and his grandmother (not cremated) is in an above-ground tomb in the same mausoleum (sorry, not sure if there's an actual word for this but basically a giant drawer in a beautifully kept room next to other giant drawers...it honestly gives me the heebie jeebies).

My brother's body was donated for medical research and then when they were done with it, cremated and ashes scattered in the medical school memorial garden. But I have not visited the garden. I deal better by memorializing him in my head. Playing basketball with the dog, taking my kids "flying" around the living room when they were little.

I'm making sure my kids know that I want to be cremated, and either take the ashes with them in a nice closed container, or scatter them, but I don't want my body or ashes left in a place that doesn't hold any significance to me. I can see though how if entire families wanted to be buried together, that it would make more sense to have gravesites.

[lalasmama]

Mom passed 9 years ago. DH, DD, and I go to her gravesite every once in a while. It's still upsetting, and DD knows if we go there that I'm going to be crying because I miss her, and that one day she will be in my place and understand the feeling of loss much more, and she may go to my gravesite to cry.

DH and I picked our gravesites out right before I had surgery a few months ago, and DD (who's 12), knows one day that's where she'll come to visit my gravesite. We talked about the beautiful view, over an area of town I visited often, in the veteran cemetery next to DH at some point, and how quiet and serene it is, and how there lots of good places to sit and cry if needed, and that there's a place for flowers if she wants to bring them, as we occasionally do for her Gammy.

It was important to my mom that us kids have a place to go to "visit" that will always be there, whether we actually want to be/go there or not, and I'll do the same for our kids. I feel better, though upset, after visiting the cemetery where she is, and spending a few minutes taking care of it.

[maestramommy]

I have visited the grave of my grandmother a couple of times, when I still lived locally to the cemetery. My mom plans to buy a plot in our town cemetery for her and my dad because it's so local it's across the street from our church. Dh has already taken our kids there on occasion to hang out when I was in a meeting. It's a beautiful place, very peaceful, not super large.

OTOH, Dh has told me clearly he wants to be cremated and have his ashes scattered wherever. He actually said that. "oh someplace. In the woods or something." He just doesn't think burial is sustainable. Since he is taking this tack I will probably do the same. I'm perfectly willing to visit my parents' grave after their gone, as a sign of love and respect, but looking at the reasons my mom chose the town cemetery, I don't want to tie down our kids to come visit us in a specific place, esp, if they end up moving far away.

[lizzywednesday]

I do not, but this is more due to geographic distance than lack of a desire to go and see if things have been kept up. I don't know the rules for flowers at the cemetery, so I don't plan on going to do that.

My grandparents' grave is near the city where they lived when they were young. It's an hour-ish away (without traffic) and I've only got a vague idea of where it is, despite having driven there after my dad's mom (Nana) died in 2013 - we were driving from the church in my hometown, so it would be a very different route from my home.

I know that it would mean a great deal to my father if I promised to go if he can't, but I don't want to commit to something I can't be counted on to do at the moment. Maybe at some point I can share duties with my brother Ger, who lives a good deal closer to the cemetery than I do.

[bigsis]

Both my MIL and FIL have passed. My MIL's ashes were scattered in a beach about an hour away from where we live. Some of her ashes are in a cemetery in AZ. We used to go to the beach 2x a year---on her death anniversary and her birthday. We just like paying our respects. We scatter red roses, her favorite flowers, and say a prayer. My FIL passed away last year. We're cutting back with MIL to once a year, and then going to the cemetery for my FIL once a year as well. His ashes are in a cemetery a couple of hours away.

Visiting cemeteries and paying respects are for the living---the departed can't appreciate it like we can. I like setting the time apart just for them--to think about them, to pray. I understand it's not for everyone. Everyone grieves their own way.