SAHMs, do you get any baby-sitting help from grandparents on week days?

[niccig]

I wonder if you're running into their assumption you don't need any help because your DH is working at home. So even though you know your DH can't help, they may think that he can help, so you don't need them e.g., DH can watch the kids while you go to the dentist. They may think your siblings have to go to work, so that is a higher priority than you volunteering at DC's school (not saying it is a higher priority, but they know the other sibling can get fired if not at work) Plus, on the days they're not helping the other families, they want time to do their own things. Do they offer to help the other children or were they asked to do so? They may also have offered at one point and now it's become too much, so they're not looking to add any extra child care to their plates, especially if your DC are younger so already had these commitments to the other siblings. Do they know you want more help? They may think you've got everything covered and don't need any help. I'll be more annoyed at the siblings to be honest if you feel they're taking advantage of your parents. Could you approach your parents about spending more time with your DC? They may be a better way to address rather than "they get childcare and we don't."

FIL retired early for health reasons and SIL wanted him for childcare on days she was a substitute teacher. He did one day a week. SIL wanted him to do more, and MIL put her foot down as that one day a week was very exhausting for FIL. MIL was still working, so she couldn't help out during the week. No other grandchildren live close by. MIL has flown out to look after DS or we've take DS to MIL/FIL so we could have a weekend away. Anytime MIL visited, DH and I would have date nights. FIL's health has gotten much worse, so she can't leave him anymore. My sister now lives in the USA, so we pay her to fly to us to look after DS, and if she's visiting we take advantage of her time and go out for a couple of dates. We've always paid for babysitters or swap time with other families - sometimes it's just easier to pay someone than deal with family.

[ChicagoNDMom]

I have always had zero expectations that my parents are child care providers. Plain and simple. They did their parenting. Because I have/had zero expectations, I have no ill will towards my siblings nor do I keep track of how much time they might or might not babysit for others. Very freeing!

[123LuckyMom]

Nope. I have to hire any help. I do have great friends, and sometimes we trade kids to help each other out, but I have no help from family.


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[klwa]

Not a SAHM, but, we've seen similar things from our siblings with our parents.

My mom & dad, splitting time with DB's ex wife's mom, kept their two kids before they were in school full time. If it was a day XMIL had them, my parents would regularly end up picking up my other brother's son & keeping him. (2 hour drive to pick up DNephew.) My mom promised she'd come keep DS once a week or so and never did because the others "needed her". When she passed away, DBs and I made an agreement that no one would ask Daddy to keep more than one child at the time so he didn't get overwhelmed. Both brothers broke that promise within about a month. DS only stayed with my parents two nights in his life without me. DDs never have.

My in laws have been childcare for my oldest niece since she hit about 4th grade. They take her to school in the morning. Until this year, she got off the bus at their house. And she stayed with them all summers and school vacations until this June. Her sister was at the same daycare as my kids while this was happening. This summer, oldest niece has been deemed old enough to stay home, so long as her sister is there, too. DH's other brother uses his MIL as childcare, with MIL being back up care. MIL is on call usually at least once a week because BIL's MIL has a doctor's appointment, or can't handle both kids, or what have you. MIL will also stay at their house overnight if the kids aren't sleeping well because SIL had a bout of PPD, and no one wants her to get too overwhelmed. When my mom died, my MIL promised to pick DS up from daycare & keep him at least one day a week until DD was born to help DS feel more comfortable with them. (When we got the call mom was in the hospital, we took him straight to iIL's and left him, so he was very nervous that was going to happen again and would cry when he saw them walk in out house.) That lasted all of one time because "oldest niece felt left out with him over there." So, they started bringing DN home instead.

Basically, watching all of this from the outside has made me very uncomfortable to ask for help from my dad or my ILs because I know they don't have a lot of time without kids. But, that's on me. About once every three months, MIL will watch our kids for about an hour so I can go to choir practice on the same night DH has a standing meeting. And, I feel guilty about that. And yet, it hurts me that they don't seem to WANT to watch my kids like they do the others. When I think it through logically, I know that they watch the other kids because our brothers & SILs are more likely to ask for help, but that's just not me. So, I sit & stew about things not being fair, and know that I'm being unfair to think that way. It's really a double edged sword.

[Corie]

I don't ask for help from family and they don't offer to help.

[daisysmom]

I have always had zero expectations that my parents are child care providers. Plain and simple. They did their parenting. Because I have/had zero expectations, I have no ill will towards my siblings nor do I keep track of how much time they might or might not babysit for others. Very freeing!

This is pretty much how I look at things. My parents have always said "we raised our kids, now you raise yours" and enjoy being grandparents and visiting, but don't offer nor would I ask for childcare. In retrospect, they probably did babysit my older nieces/nephew more but those kids are in their late teens now and my kid is 9... I think my parents have less energy. I do value the relationship though, and I know that one day they will be gone. So I don't have any expectations and any time is a gift.

[carolinacool]

I have always had zero expectations that my parents are child care providers. Plain and simple. They did their parenting. Because I have/had zero expectations, I have no ill will towards my siblings nor do I keep track of how much time they might or might not babysit for others. Very freeing!

That's a great point. My in-laws live across the country, so obviously don't help. My parents are two hours away, and they will on rare occasion drive down if we're stuck and can't get a sitter. But they are fairly busy on weekend with church activities and my mom just retired last week, so up until then she worked most of the year teaching.

I have a really good friend that recently bought a new house, but instead of moving closer to her DH's job, which is about a 40-minute drive, they bought about 5 minutes away for their old place. When I asked her about it, she exclaimed "We can't move away from Grammy and Pop!" They rely on them a lot. And I know it makes life easier, but I did sort of roll my eyes at the thought that her family CAN'T SURVIVE without grandparents helping regularly. She was that dramatic.

[marymoo86]

That's a great point. My in-laws live across the country, so obviously don't help. My parents are two hours away, and they will on rare occasion drive down if we're stuck and can't get a sitter. But they are fairly busy on weekend with church activities and my mom just retired last week, so up until then she worked most of the year teaching.

I have a really good friend that recently bought a new house, but instead of moving closer to her DH's job, which is about a 40-minute drive, they bought about 5 minutes away for their old place. When I asked her about it, she exclaimed "We can't move away from Grammy and Pop!" They rely on them a lot. And I know it makes life easier, but I did sort of roll my eyes at the thought that her family CAN'T SURVIVE without grandparents helping regularly. She was that dramatic.

This is my SIL and part of the reason I am so glad to no be close. Sure it would be nice to have another option for babysitting. My MIL has been the de facto parent there to the detriment of the relationships of same town other BIL and kids as well as us.

My mom is about an hour away and will drive up and offers to do so if I am in a bind work wise (kids sick, etc). She will keep them entertained while I check in between meetings, etc. I'm an only so that drives a bit of that and she's a bit older so is wanting to spend as much time as possible while she's able.

[maestramommy]

Before my parents moved in with me, no. Because both sets of grandparents lived thousands of miles away. If we needed a sitter, we had to pay for one. So we went out once a month.

Now, my mom can sit for us, but we still go out roughly once a month for a date. Occasionally she'll sit if we actually need to be somewhere. During the week she'll watch them if I have a doc appt or something where I really can't bring them along.

[abh5e8]

No, no help, but we have no family in town. Closest are my parents, two hours away, who both work full time. ILs work, mil pt. She keeps each of two nephew's one day per week and often overnight on a weekend night. She gives little to no help even when visiting us, v claims she is to tired from the travel. My m digress 7 hours to where my sister lives, to keep her kids a few times per year, week at a time. She had never offered this to me. She things I am doing just fine but that my sister really needs the help. It's super annoying, on both sides. I don't know why the grandparents are willing and able to keep the other grand kids but not ours. Only thing I can think of is my sister and sil are pretty vocal about wanting and needing help, and I am not.