Dealing with relatives you just don't like much

[Chitowngirl]

I really don't like one of my husband's close relatives. I'm being intentionally vague, but let's just say he's "like a brother" to my husband. They are not only close relatives, but they are also close friends. We see him frequently. He's not a "bad" person in the sense that he is a child molester or anything like that where I could just say that we won't associate with him anymore. He's just more really, really annoying. He's the type where he's never happy. Every story he tells has him being the hero and someone else being the goat. Every comment is a put down about someone else. He can easily bring down the whole room. For example, if we are driving somewhere and someone in a nice car cuts him off, he will spend the whole rest of the night complaining about entitled a$$ holes that don't care about others. No one can change the subject. No one can lighten the mood. It will literally change the tone of the whole night. It makes me tired just being around him, and now that DS is older I don't like all that negativity around my DS. On the other hand, to be fair, I'm now at the stage where EVERYTHING he says annoys me. He could make a very innocent comment that just ticks me off - the type of thing where if someone else had said it it wouldn't have bothered me at all. I know I can never change him, but he's family and I need to learn better ways to cope with him as he clearly isn't going anywhere. Anyone with any BTDT advice?


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[wallawala]

I have a husband of a family member who is like this.

It's gotten better now that I assume the attitude is coming from a place of insecurity. When he starts to make cranky comments... I butter him up, pay him little compliments and don't contradict him on the little stuff. It's really cut down the big stuff, but it was hard to do at first. I treat it like an experiment, and it creeps me out how well he responds to it.

When he's on my nerves we just leave early. But I really do think a lot of that comes from insecurity. My situation doesn't sound as difficult as yours, as we are around him maybe 6x/year max.

[niccig]

That's tough. How much are you expected to interact with him? Does your DH know how you feel about this person? My suggestion would be to encourage your DH to hang out with him alone more. You're busy with the kids, need to get x done, divide and conquer kind of thing. Can you get away with not talking much to him? I do this with some people I don't particularly like. I'm there, I'm polite, but I'm not engaging them in 1:1 conversation. Rather I'm busy with DS, talking to someone else, doing something else. If they start to engage, I answer, but I don't engage much so the conversation doesn't continue, I don't ask questions about their life, and if it's too much, I excuse myself to go do something/use restroom. You can't change this person's behavior, but you can change how you react and how much you engage with them. I do this with a friend of DH's, who is so self-absorbed, I doubt he's noticed the change. Betting this friend of your DH's won't notice.

You could also start encouraging time with other friends. DH has 2 other friends that we see all the time, and we're always getting together. DH does comment he doesn't see his other friend much, and I encourage the work day lunches they have occasionally. No one likes this friend's wife and we get feeling she doesn't like any of us, so it's kinda easy to not make weekend plans with them.

[hellokitty]

I'd just make excuses every time they want to get together and go with avoidance. If you are obligated by family events, this may sound bad, but my mil is a negative nellie too and often says inappropriate things. I just ignore her when she does that and don't respond at all. It throws her for a loop, bc ppl like this WANT to see a reaction from the other person. When they don't get that reaction (sympathy, shock, etc.), then they will find someone else for that feedback and they eventually learn that you aren't one of those ppl (or that you can see through their BS). I also think that my mil thinks twice before saying anything now, bc I do this. My husband says that his mom is, "scared" of me (bc I do this), which I think is ridiculous. She just knows that unlike most ppl in her family, I cannot be manipulated into giving her the sympathy and attention she wants and she hates that (and throws a hissy fit fit). However, oh well. My mental health is better than ever having set some boundaries on a person I consider toxic to my life.