Help me explain stranger danger to DC

[mackmama]

I have learned over the years that people absolutely will not believe these facts.

My DDs are extroverts and think everyone is nice. I really try to concentrate on them knowing it's never okay for anyone to touch them or to ask DDs to touch them. We also talk about red lights...people who are not okay, those are strangers asking them for help (I told them adults don't need little kids to help them) or telling them that mommy said to do something. They're pretty clear on that. Also, anyone who makes them uncomfortable. Yellow lights are people we know that are probably okay, no need to be afraid of them, but they're still not allowed to go places with them without us knowing. And green lights, the people who they are allowed to go with (my five best friends here.) This is just a very basic outline of what we discuss, (so please don't write telling me what else I should be doing). It's also not just one conversation, we bring it up at various times. Plus we do all the things like not make them hug anyone they don't want to, respect their privacy (even if they've just been running through the house naked) etc.

I like the red/yellow/green lights idea - thanks.


To everyone-
With holidays coming up-- how do you handle it if a relative tells your DC "Come give me a hug" and your DC doesn't want to? Do you tell your DC right in front of the other person that it's ok not to? What do you say to the person asking for the hug? In the past I've explained to DC (not in the moment) that it's ok not to hug anyone and then usually tell the person asking for the hug in the moment "oh maybe later" and then distract. Just curious if there is a more graceful approach?

[jerigirl]

We really liked the "Safe Side" video when my now 5th grader was younger. They categorize people as "safe side adults", "don't knows", or "kinda knows".

https://www.amazon.com/Safe-Side-Str...ords=safe+side

[123LuckyMom]

I like the red/yellow/green lights idea - thanks.


To everyone-
With holidays coming up-- how do you handle it if a relative tells your DC "Come give me a hug" and your DC doesn't want to? Do you tell your DC right in front of the other person that it's ok not to? What do you say to the person asking for the hug? In the past I've explained to DC (not in the moment) that it's ok not to hug anyone and then usually tell the person asking for the hug in the moment "oh maybe later" and then distract. Just curious if there is a more graceful approach?

I have had to speak up a lot. I have a child who hates to be kissed, even by me sometimes. She loves snuggles, but she hates kisses. She's old enough (and feisty enough), and we've had enough talks about it, that if someone kisses her or touches her in any way she doesn't like, she will pipe right up and say, "I really don't like kisses." She will often notice a hurt reaction and say something like, "but that doesn't mean I don't love you." Still, when she was younger, I used to explain that we're trying to teach her that she can say no if she doesn't want to be touched. I've never once had anyone react negatively when I explained, but I honestly wouldn't care a whit if they were offended once I had explained. The lesson I'm teaching my child is more important.

We are very, very strict in my house about "stop" or "no" meaning cease IMMEDIATELY! We observe this with tickling, hugging, whatever. I need both my son and daughter to learn these lessons. And like hillview pointed out, it's even more important that kids feel empowered to say no to the people they trust and are supposed to respect, because it's that group of people who are by far the most dangerous.

We haven't really talked to our kids about strangers. We've spoken to them about what to do if they get lost, about asking permission of us before going anywhere or changing activities, and we've taught them about personal autonomy. I saw my sister become terrified of being abducted after all the "education" they did around stranger danger when she was in school, and it was so counterproductive! I don't want to do that. I would if I thought it was necessary, but I don't.


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[lizzywednesday]

...

To everyone-
With holidays coming up-- how do you handle it if a relative tells your DC "Come give me a hug" and your DC doesn't want to? Do you tell your DC right in front of the other person that it's ok not to? What do you say to the person asking for the hug? In the past I've explained to DC (not in the moment) that it's ok not to hug anyone and then usually tell the person asking for the hug in the moment "oh maybe later" and then distract. Just curious if there is a more graceful approach?

In my opinion, it's OK to say that your child hasn't got to hug/kiss a relative in front of that relative, especially if that relative is being rude about the hug/kiss. I'm not going to be graceful; this comes off as rude, but my child then knows I support her feelings and, frankly, that's what's important.

You're not being rude when explaining that your child doesn't have to do X, Y, or Z because they'd prefer not to and you're teaching about boundaries, consent, etc. It's not rude; it's emphasizing your child's sense of autonomy and safety, and that's OK in my book.

And if you have relatives who'd be offended, I'm sorry.

I'm lucky - my relatives, including my stodgy grandmother, don't demand affection from my child. As Grandma explained, she'd rather a child were comfortable with her than forced. I may not agree with everything my grandma believes, but this I'm on board for.

[hillview]

In my opinion, it's OK to say that your child hasn't got to hug/kiss a relative in front of that relative, especially if that relative is being rude about the hug/kiss. I'm not going to be graceful; this comes off as rude, but my child then knows I support her feelings and, frankly, that's what's important.

You're not being rude when explaining that your child doesn't have to do X, Y, or Z because they'd prefer not to and you're teaching about boundaries, consent, etc. It's not rude; it's emphasizing your child's sense of autonomy and safety, and that's OK in my book.

And if you have relatives who'd be offended, I'm sorry.

I'm lucky - my relatives, including my stodgy grandmother, don't demand affection from my child. As Grandma explained, she'd rather a child were comfortable with her than forced. I may not agree with everything my grandma believes, but this I'm on board for.

Well put