Can someone tell me that I didn't flush my career down the toilet to be a mom?

[corrie23]

I'm struggling with my morale today....backstory is that I worked very hard to earn my PhD in psychology 10 years ago, but by the time that I finished my degree I had 2 young kids, one with very high needs who was showing signs that there was something in need of real attention/intervention. Rather than go right to a postdoc position and study for my licensing exam at that time, I stayed home to raise my kids. I had a third child (a high risk pregnancy and 6 mos. of complete bed rest) and then I had cancer. By this time it was also evident that my oldest had significant learning needs/disabilities as well that were causing major school problems. In the end, all three of my kids have special education needs, and varying degrees of developmental delays and mental health challenges (mostly LOTS of anxiety). I've been dedicating myself to advocating for them, getting them the therapies that they need, etc. It's been a challenging road, but they all now have their special education services, attend school full time, and my oldest attends a private therapeutic day school for kids with complex learning needs/emotional problems. I'm cancer-free and stable with my health and I want to go back to work.

I am currently studying for the licensing exam (which is a bear) and trying to find a postdoc position as my state requires a 1-year supervised postdoc in addition to internship (which I've done) and the licensing exam in order to be licensed. As I try to find a postdoc, I am aware of the 10 year gap on my resume and how this is not a great feature to have on one's resume. Logically, I know that I filled the 10 years with a lot of clinical practice dealing with three kids 24/7 with diagnoses up the wazoo and advocating for, coordinating, an implementing their treatment but it seems like the whole psychology world has forgotten that living with/raising people with mental illness is fairly relevant to working with people with mental illness. I keep hearing "10 years is a long gap" and "you may not be able to find a postdoc" which in essence means that I can never be licensed to do the work (and hinders my motivation to study for a huge licensing exam potentially in vain). I'm feeling so discouraged today. Can anyone help cheer me up or did I really commit the ultimate "feminine mistake" as a psychologist by recognizing pathology in my children and responding to it rather than choosing my career over their needs 10 years ago?

[petesgirl]

In my opinion, putting your child's needs ahead of your career will never be a mistake. Never. Sure, maybe it will take you longer to get where you originally planned. Maybe you will end up in an entirely different career that you anticipated. But, again just my opinion, raising the next generation with love and discipline in a stable family environment will always be of the greatest value to society and will result in the least amount of regrets for you later on in life. How would you be feeling right now if you were in a successful career but nobody had advocated for your children and they had fallen through the cracks?
Everyone differs in what they place the most value on though. For me, at the end of the day, the welfare of my children (all aspects of it- not just that I provided them with plenty of money) is of greater importance to me than my career.
That doesn't mean it's not hard to give up on the idea of a career path, though. keep working hard at accomplishing your goals and something will work out!!

[ged]

Hugs! You're an amazing Mom and you did what you needed to do for your kids. Your first job will always be being a mom.

I had a similar-ish situation about two years ago, in that I had to go back to work full time after a divorce. My gap was also 10 years on my resume and I also did not have the certification that would have been very nice to have (I was pregnant at the time and just could not take that test!). My prospects were very dim, and I did not touch my field with a 10 foot pole the entire time I was a SAHM.

What helped me was that I got back in touch with my old boss (the one from 10+ years ago). We'd had been in off and on contact, and I left on good terms. I told her that I was looking to go back to work (not my preference, but a necessity) and she offered me my old job back. Unfortunately, I could not move back to where that job was (COL was too high, and I'm not a single mom with no financial support...I'm currently living with my parents -- another issue!) so I had to very reluctantly decline. She then offered me an amazing opportunity to work from home and do a few assignments for her. I only worked for her for about 3 months, but the fact that I could update my resume to say "blah blah blah...2000-2005, 2015-present..." made a HUGE difference.

I know it's not the same situation as yours, but I wouldn't give up hope. You have a PhD!! That is huge. Taking the licensing test though...kudos to you. I should also take my exam, as that will push me into the category I should be in...but I just don't have it in me at the moment.

[maestramommy]

HUGS. DEEP BREATH.

I worked at a dream job as an orchestra teacher for 8 years before DD1 was born. It is now 11 years since I left to become a SAHM. I am currently applying to renew my license in another state, and might have to retake exams and extra classes in order to do so. I'm actually branching out and trying to get certified to teach adult literacy and GED completion. My kids are not special needs (any more), but this was a decision that DH and I made together before we would have kids. We are fortunate that I actually don't have to go back to work for financial reasons.

The way I look at it is, you make decisions regarding priorities that were most important to you at the time. That's it. Now, your life has changed, and maybe you have new priorities. That's it. Don't worry about the time you, "lost," because you will never get that time back, and looking at your situation from the outside, I don't see that the time was wasted. It was well spent.

Go ahead and move forward with your licensing. I understand that it's a bit of a hassle, believe me! It's scary putting my foot out there not knowing if any of it is going to pan out (with Ms. de Vos as the new secretary of ed, is anyone going to care about adult literacy?). It's always a leap of faith.

PS. I would document and summarize what you did with your kids special needs and put it on the resume, esp. if it is related.

[magnoliaparadise]

Hi,
I don't have much to add, but I didn't want to read and not post and I wanted to send hugs. I think you sound amazing and have been through a lot.
And I think that you might be comparing yourself to pre-kids women who are working. Kids take so much of all of our energy and attention that even moms who continue to work out of the house after they have kids feel that they have flushed their career down the toilet to be a mom .
Good luck. It might take awhile and feel like forever to start moving (hopefully not), but at some point, you will build momentum and be working again.
And don't undermine yourself about how important it was to advocate for your kids - it sounds like they really needed it and are in a better place because you got the help they need/needed.

[baymom]

You did the right thing, it wasn't a mistake. As pp have said, it might take you longer to get to where you originally planned, but in the grand scheme of things, taking 10 years off is fine. When I was deciding if I wanted to quite my job after DS was born, agonizing about all the education and work experience I had worked so hard for "going to waste", my Dad said something to the effect of 'on your deathbed, you might regret not being home to enjoy DS's early years, but you won't regret working 40 years instead of 50.' It gave me pause and ultimately I left the workplace for 8 years (now I work full time outside the home). I re-entered the workplace a couple of rungs lower on the ladder, but, for me, it was worth it to have that time with my kids. I'll get where I want to go, but a few years later, that's all.

You are just going through a bit of a hiccup, but that's okay. You are strong and resourceful and have great real-world experience and it's going to be fine. It's normal to feel overwhelmed (and you certainly have A LOT on your plate!) and to doubt yourself. Just give yourself permission to be in a funk for a couple of days, and then take the next step. One at a time. Break up your tasks, make lists and get it done. It sounds to me like you've accomplished things already that were a lot harder! You got this!

[mackmama]

You will find your post-doc placement. I believe there are many in the psychology world who will hear your story and will appreciate all you have been through (which is a lot) and will recognize all that you now have to offer. Keep pushing. Find those people. You did the right thing all those years ago.

What is your specific field of interest?

[123LuckyMom]

My husband entered psychology as a career change. What he did was to choose first to be licensed as an LMHC at the Master's level. He then, with his Master's level license and doctoral degree but no postdoc hours or doctoral exam, got a doctoral level job at a community mental health center and worked under supervision creating his own postdoc. If you are willing to work with underserved populations, many agencies will work with you to get the benefit of your doctoral education for the price of a Master's degree. In return, they'll help you become fully licensed at the doctoral level. There are more options than just applying to existing post docs.


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[Indianamom2]

In my opinion, you didn't waste your career at all...you've been using it all along. It's kind of like you were being prepared for the children you were going to have. I have a degree in music ed and never ever wanted to be a SAHM, but almost at the end of college, I just completely lost all interest in being a teacher. I didn't understand it. I was good at it and successful, but the desire was gone. Fast forward a few years and we had our first child who had significant speech issues, and has major anxiety, ADHD and something else very similar to Asperger's/Autism. She needed me home and I honestly believe that God was preparing me to be her mom and her advocate....which has then led me into what is now my career, from home, in medical coding.

So all that to say, that I understand, but I don't believe that you wasted your education.

[mackmama]

In my opinion, you didn't waste your career at all...you've been using it all along. It's kind of like you were being prepared for the children you were going to have. I have a degree in music ed and never ever wanted to be a SAHM, but almost at the end of college, I just completely lost all interest in being a teacher. I didn't understand it. I was good at it and successful, but the desire was gone. Fast forward a few years and we had our first child who had significant speech issues, and has major anxiety, ADHD and something else very similar to Asperger's/Autism. She needed me home and I honestly believe that God was preparing me to be her mom and her advocate....which has then led me into what is now my career, from home, in medical coding.

So all that to say, that I understand, but I don't believe that you wasted your education.

Beautifully put.