Social Issues at school...Again!

[hbridge]

My very high functioning, but very much lacking in social skills child was pulled from public school and now attends a very small autism school. The public school kept telling me that my child was a "very unique situation", but "the evidence shows" their way will work! It did not and we will be dealing with the fallout of their decisions for years to come.

Now, the private school is saying that they have never seen the current behavior and want to "punish" DC for behavior that is within the disability and that the school CREATED! The child does "not want friends" because friendships are very confusing and hard; the day is very long and DC needs "down" time that does not always include socializing. But the school pushed the issue (hard) so DC made a "friend" and now DC is a "bully". Um, this is what DC has learned about "friendship", this is what was modeled since the beginning of school experiences. Of course, calling DC a "bully" has created a bully because now DC is the dictionary definition (yep, research was done to fit the "mold")! I warned the school that this would happen, but now DC is in trouble and being punished for the behavior!!! DC even asked the other child if she was being a bully and the other child said "absolutely not". So I have a confused mess on my hands and a battle with the school pending. My child cannot be so unusual that the "experts" have not seen this before!

We have a meeting with the school coming up and I am horrible at expressing myself when stressed. I need to be DC's advocate, but am terrified of being railroaded by the school (in the half hour they allocated for this meeting)! This is supposed to be a really understanding environment, but the other child seems to be their priority!

Update: Well, that did not go well. This child is going to make a super interesting adult (and is a super interesting child), but DC certainly does not fit in a school social environment. Off to research other education options...

[liz]

I'm so sorry, the situation sounds really stressful. Wishing you strength and clarity to get your points across.

[Kestrel]

Sorry to hear that! Is there a councilor or therapist that can assist you in advocating for your child? At least for me, just having another person there on my "side" helps, even if they don't end up saying anything.

I would put, in writing in advance, that you believe the problems are to complex for the time allotted; then when you run out of time you can ask for another meeting/more research/follow-up...

[KpbS]

Oh no!

Yes, outline your thoughts on paper. Go in prepared and maybe with a friend there for moral support or actual support if you get overwhelmed?

It sounds like this school isn't even trying to get it right as far as downtime, overstimulation, personal space, etc. Sigh.

[hbridge]

Thank you all... I am definitely prepared with the data to back up the fact that DC lacks the social skills to be aware of what is happening... I just HATE this. My child cannot be SO UNUSUAL that no one has seen this before. Yet, that is what I am constantly told! This is the school that guaranteed me that they could handle these situations!

[HannaAddict]

Do you have a counselor or OT or someone who has worked with your child and knows your child and is also familiar professionally with social emotional issues? If so, involve them. If not, I would try to start seeing an OT or counselor who work with kids with these challenges. You need to be an advocate for your child but will be more effective if you can try not to be defensive and to be open to hear what they are saying and reframe from being a bully to having social challenges and that you are open to dealing with them. Since this is a small autism school and you have left public, I hope you can make it work. It seems they would understand the issues facing your child but having an outside person working with your child and advocating too and providing advice to you is worth the investment. But coming in with guns blazing, even though that is how you feel when your child is being accused, is usually counterproductive. I'm sorry you are facing this situation.


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[hbridge]

Thanks so much. I know I have to hear the school out, but when they called the school was very accusatory and kept telling me that the other child "just can't..." (not sure what that means). They told me that DC needs a plan that includes "punishments" for upsetting the other child. I have looked hard at the situation to determine if I am over-reacting. Maybe DC is intending to be mean, that would be HUGE PROGRESS... Nope! We have tons of outside support and I have spoken to many who agree that this is not intentional, that DC has NO IDEA how to manage these social interactions. Thankfully, the doctors are willing to speak with the school. Our lead provider is actually livid! If I knew the details, maybe I could process what is happening with DC, but no one can tell me what happened to initiate the phone call and the meeting. DC has NO idea and asked the other child who also does not know... Next week cannot come soon enough, but I already know there will be many more meetings to come!

[hbridge]

And the saga continues!!!!!!! I cannot believe the damage that has been done to this child by schools!

[BDKmom]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It is so difficult when the "professionals" don't seem to have a clue. Lots of P&PT that you can find the right path for your child's education.

[HannaAddict]

I'm so sorry.


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