When do you let your kids cancel on a friend/or what would you have done

[JustMe]

Background. I am the kind of person who never cancels my own plans on a friend unless I am sick, the kids are sick, etc. Unrelated to that, I have taken ds (11) and dd (14) to our local county fair annually. In fact ds was adopted at 4 and the first day ds and dd met, I took them to this fair (that hadn't been my plan that day, long story). Anyway, fast forward to this year, and both kids say they want to go with a friends. That was fine with me. Dd arranged to go with a friend. Ds' friend's father was already taking the friend and the friend's brother and said he'd be happy to take ds.

Ds is doing club soccer for the first year. Soccer coach had said there might be an extra practice the afternoon ds' friend was going to the fair. (They usually don't have practice that day) I mentioned this to the dad, and said I'd let him know. When I hadn't heard from the coach yesterday after sending an e-mail, I told the dad that ds could go with them, figuring if ds has to miss practice life will go on.

Then this morning, ds starts saying how he is going to miss going with dd..he wants to cancel with his friend and go with dd, who is going with her friend today. Dd pipes in and says she would like some time alone with her friend, but is fine if ds joins them after a certain amount of time. I told them no; ds had committed to going with his friend (who couldnt just change the date as his dad likes to take him). I was firm about that, and am curious if others would have allowed ds to back out at that point.

Then, I get an e-mail from the coach that there is an extra practice on tomorrow/the same day ds is supposed to go with his friend. The coach goes on and on about how important this practice is and kids should only miss if its an absolute emergency, etc. At this point, I really think ds should go to practice. I hate the last minute way club soccer does things and I am having to get used to that. I texted the dad and let him know that ds couldnt go to the fair with them anymore due to soccer practice, apologized profusely, and offered some other opportunities for the boys to get together. So, now my kids are both at the fair together along with dd's friend.

A couple of hours later I got a text from friend's dad stating he would take the kids to the fair in the morning if that meant ds could go with them. That was unexpected as this dad is usually inflexible about those kinds of things. Unfortunately, its too late as ds is already at the fair today with dd and I can't afford for him to go twice, so I told the dad that still wouldnt work.

I feel awful. I think my problem is that I wouldn't have backed out on a friend if it was me, but ds is different from me and I feel i need to make different decisions for him...and/or let him make more of his own decisions at age 11. I do feel he should have went to soccer, so I feel okay about that part---

[BDKmom]

In this situation, I think it all worked out as best it could. DS couldn't go with friend due to soccer practice. He thought he wouldn't get another chance to go with friend, so he went with DD. Dad happened to be able to change plans, but DS didn't know that before he went. Really couldn't have gone any differently. I get that your DS ended up getting what he wanted (to back out on friend and go with DD), but it just happened to work out like that. Neither of you did anything to make that happen.

In general, I say if he committed to friend, he should have stuck with friend. So, if soccer practice hadn't come up, he would have had to go with fair with friend. Maybe next year he would remember that he prefers to go with DD and not make other plans.

[123LuckyMom]

The previous commitment was to the soccer team, so regardless of the desire to go with your DD, DS would have cancelled the original date with the friend, and that would be understandable. It's tough, because of the last-minute nature of things, but it is what it is. My rule is that the commitment made first takes precedence, and you had warned the Dad that might happen. I don't think you need to feel bad about that. The situation is complicated by DS's desire to go with DD and the fact that he did that and then wasn't able to go with the friend. It's easy to feel guilty, because DS really wanted to go with DD, and that's what he ended up doing, so it feels like that was a selfish choice. I don't think it was, though, because of the soccer practice. That was a bit of luck, really, but since DS couldn't keep the original date, it's fine that he went with DD. You had no way of knowing the Dad would be willing to go at a different time, so, knowing your DS had a chance to go to the fair and taking him with DD is an appropriate choice. I would have felt fine telling the Dad that's what happened. I don't think you need to feel guilty or that your son does. However, next time he needs to know a soccer practice may not provide an out, and he needs to make a decision and stick to it. Don't feel bad about this year, though. It worked out well for your DS, and the friend may have been disappointed, but the cancellation was for a reasonable and genuine conflict the family knew ahead of time might be an issue.


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[niccig]

If you make a commitment, you stick to it barring sickness, special circumstances etc. My DS has been in soccer for years, so I probably would've had him miss practice as it was so late notice there was a practice and there will always be more practices. Other kids would've missed it too as people make plans over the summer. If they want everyone there, they need to give more notice. They didn't, so I'm not changing things around - championship game I would change for, but not a practice.

That said, I can also see why you changed things as you knew there was a possibility of having a practice.



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[DietCokeLover]

If you make a commitment, you stick to it barring sickness, special circumstances etc. My DS has been in soccer for years, so I probably would've had him miss practice as it was so late notice there was a practice and there will always be more practices. Other kids would've missed it too as people make plans over the summer. If they want everyone there, they need to give more notice. They didn't, so I'm not changing things around - championship game I would change for, but not a practice.

That said, I can also see why you changed things as you knew there was a possibility of having a practice.



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This was my thought too. DS plays competitive travel soccer too and if I recieved word a night before a practice, and we had plans, he would miss practice. I am trying hard to balance a proper perspective of where soccer falls in our lives. It does not get to take precedence for us over being in church regularly or over our relationships. I see the bind you were in, and know you made a hard decision.

[PZMommy]

I would have skipped the soccer practice and kept the fair plans with his friend. The notice of practice was way too late, so I wouldn't have felt guilty at all missing it.

[Kindra178]

I understand the soccer practice issue.
With the crazy cost of travel sports, every soccer practice, barring illness or family conflict, is really important. Also, because there isn't an "everyone plays" rule, skipping practice, at least around here, is not looked kindly upon. Last minute practices happen all the time in travel sports. They are no more optional than any other practice!

I think you made the right decision with the info you had. Maybe ds could get together with the friend for a hang out this weekend.


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[HannaAddict]

I would not have canceled on a friend for an outing like that for soccer practice (and we've done select/premier/club soccer). I would be fine canceling a regular get together but not a trip someplace where the other parent took time off and it has a limited run. Club soccer practices can be missed when scheduled at the last minute. Or I would have figured out a way to send him in the morning and since it is really too late for the other kid to bring a different friend and I'm sure he's very disappointed and the dad took the time to take them.


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[JustMe]

Thanks for all of the responses! It is helpful to hear the different perspectives, and I appreciate them all. It makes sense to me that people feel differently about this.

Just to clarify (mostly for myself as I think this through so I know what I would want to do if this happens again), the dad was already taking the friend (his son) as well as his brother, and had already decided to do that before my son was involved. Its not a work day for him, and he was just adding my son on. I don't think the friend would have invited someone else if ds hadn't been looking for someone to go with. Nevertheless, I know he is disappointed and he is a really sensitive kid; so certainly not great. On the other hand, he is still going with his brother, which was that family's original plan.

The other factors for me are that I believe that ds needs this particular training (soccer). Also, some of the extra practices I just am not able to get him to (I can't leave work!) so I have to avoid missing practices that are possible to get to.

This soccer club stuff really is new for me and there are kids who have been cut for not coming to practice! I always heard it was a lot, but it is more than I expected in terms of "extra" non-scheduled practices and that's just a learning curve for me. I think if this type of situation arises I will just have to be very clear that soccer could conflict. My real feelings of guilt come in because ds went to the fair with dd, and that dad had been willing to change the time. I just didn't anticipate that this dad would be willing to do that (I know the family really well; I worked with his ex-wife), so that is added to the things I have learned from this experience.

[TwinFoxes]

Honestly, don't stress over it. I think it was fine. I think you were right to not let him cancel on his friend to go with your DD. Canceling to go to soccer is a judgment call and really depends on the particular person/situation.