Fertility in late 30's

[dogmom]

I have tried and gotten pregnant 4 times on the first month trying. The pregnancies at age 29 and 31 ended with my boys. And the ones at ages 40 and 41 ended as miscarriages at 10 weeks due to chromosomal abnormalities. So for me my chances of getting pregnant didn't change, but my chances of giving birth did. We stopped trying after the 2 because it was just too difficult and I didn't want to continue with the obvious increase in chances of genetic abnormalities. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you for sharing your experience. My purpose of talking about fertility & complications are because I've been beside too many friends, patients and family members just completely lost and blindsided by some possible realities. I feel there is such pushback for people to say "it's all good" that women feel real guilt when things don't turn out as easy as everyone says it is. I experience fertility issues and a late stage miscarriage which were sad for me, but I felt much more prepared to cope with them and easier to move through it because I was fortunate enough to know the realities.

And sometimes it IS a good thing that happens with unexpected pregnancies, but still hard. I had a friend who was told she would most likely never get pregnant without IVF because of her bad endometriosis that was blocking her tubes. She had one son which was a complicated pregnancy. Then got pregnant with twins, and she was tiny, in the hospital for months, they had to take the twins 6 weeks early. Then because she wasn't using birth control, she wound up pregnant with her 4th when the twins were 4 mo old. He husband traveled internationally all the time, she had 4 under 3, luckily she had the money to hire a part time nanny to help. And somewhere in there she wound up needing a kidney operation for a congenital issue that she didn't know she had that was brought out by the stress of the pregnancies. Does she regret her 4 kids? No. Does she still think this is not the way she wished it would play out? Yes.

[flashy09]

Thank you for all the replies. I keep writing and deleting because I end up writing a book every time I get going!

I don't know how quite to describe the situation. It was a conscious decision of something we have thought about for 2 years with a side of spontaneity. My feelings about having a third child are different than my first two and I don't know if that means I don't want one enough or if it's just always going to be different. My first two were no brainers and I had a sense of security everything would be fine. Now I am older and have a great family so it feels more like a "bonus" and maybe I shouldn't be risking so much. I have grappled with this and have to say the feeling was strong when I woke up the morning after.

But I am also excited! So I am just trying to find some perspective of how likely it is that I could have conceived at my age to help with this two week wait. For both emotions! This feels so different from the others, if I get a positive test I honestly think I will be more in awe/excitied/nervous/just overall emotional than even my first and so truly appreciative and grateful for a healthy pregnancy.

Dogmom, are you seeing all the terrible outcomes in 39 yr olds or are the maternal and fetal deaths (because at the end of the day, that's the unspoken big fear) with even older mothers? Just writing that scares me so much as I am truly happy with my family.

Thanks for letting me write all this. I can't even remember when I can start testing! There is no way I can wait for a missed period, this is on my mind 24/7.

[pinkmomagain]

I know this sounds crazy but with my 3rd my boobs started hurting a few days after the deed. Maybe because it was my 3rd, my body kicked in and knew just what to do? Anyways, sending you good vibes while you wait!

[essnce629]

I have tried and gotten pregnant 4 times on the first month trying. The pregnancies at age 29 and 31 ended with my boys. And the ones at ages 40 and 41 ended as miscarriages at 10 weeks due to chromosomal abnormalities. So for me my chances of getting pregnant didn't change, but my chances of giving birth did. We stopped trying after the 2 because it was just too difficult and I didn't want to continue with the obvious increase in chances of genetic abnormalities. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I and all my best friends can relate to this. There are 5 of us and in our 20s we had 8 pregnancies and 8 births between all of us. Zero miscarriages. Since we've turned 31 (we're all 36 now) we've had 8 pregnancies and 5 of those have ended in miscarriage. There's definitely an increase in having a miscarriage (most likely from a chromosomal abnormality) once you get older.

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[acmom]

My purpose of talking about fertility & complications are because I've been beside too many friends, patients and family members just completely lost and blindsided by some possible realities. I feel there is such pushback for people to say "it's all good" that women feel real guilt when things don't turn out as easy as everyone says it is.

This is a very good point and one I felt during my pregnancies and our decision making about having more. Although we did not have fertility issues - I did have all sorts of pregnancy complications (miscarriage, preterm labor, gestational diabetes, bedrest, early deliveries, etc.). This is what made our decisions and thoughts about #2 and #3 so difficult, the worry of more things going wrong and things getting more serious each time. I did feel somewhat responsible that my body just didn't do pregnancy well the way so many of my friends did. And there is the reality that complications do arise which I agree sometimes people make light of and don't really consider.

Flashy09, I think the feelings that you mentioned of the third being different than my first two and more of a risk are completely normal! I felt that way as soon as I found out (a total surprise!) and I worried little more about each test more, knowing both I was older and had a history of issues. We did run into some of the same complications and she was early, but we managed all those things as they came. I think the biggest thing for me with that pregnancy, was really taking things one step at a time so I didn't feel quite as worried and emotional. I had faith that while it might not all work out perfectly or ideally, we would handle whatever happened as a family. My doctor was a huge help with this too- helping me take each week one step at a time. Plus, when starting your family, you didn't have the impact on your other kids to think about as much, but I definitely felt like I worried about this more with our 3rd (my first two were just turned 6 and almost 8 when she was born). But overall, the impact has been so positive and for us she was truly a blessing!

[klwa]

Thank you for all the replies. I keep writing and deleting because I end up writing a book every time I get going!

I don't know how quite to describe the situation. It was a conscious decision of something we have thought about for 2 years with a side of spontaneity. My feelings about having a third child are different than my first two and I don't know if that means I don't want one enough or if it's just always going to be different. My first two were no brainers and I had a sense of security everything would be fine. Now I am older and have a great family so it feels more like a "bonus" and maybe I shouldn't be risking so much. I have grappled with this and have to say the feeling was strong when I woke up the morning after.

But I am also excited! So I am just trying to find some perspective of how likely it is that I could have conceived at my age to help with this two week wait. For both emotions! This feels so different from the others, if I get a positive test I honestly think I will be more in awe/excitied/nervous/just overall emotional than even my first and so truly appreciative and grateful for a healthy pregnancy.

Dogmom, are you seeing all the terrible outcomes in 39 yr olds or are the maternal and fetal deaths (because at the end of the day, that's the unspoken big fear) with even older mothers? Just writing that scares me so much as I am truly happy with my family.

Thanks for letting me write all this. I can't even remember when I can start testing! There is no way I can wait for a missed period, this is on my mind 24/7.

First off, HUGS!

I was 35 when I got pregnant with DD2, just a couple of months shy of 36. I was SO excited when DH agreed to try for a third because I had always wanted 4, but he was content at 2. That excitement lasted until the day I found out I was pregnant, when I fell into "Oh crap, what have I done!" mode. The concern for my well being as well as the baby's was much higher than with the other two, just because I figured all was well before. Then I started thinking about how this was going to impact the other kids & I freaked out. I love DD2, but there were times early on where I worried I had made a mistake. But I hadn't. The excitement came back & now she's a wild, spunky girl that I can't imagine my life without.

So, all that to say, HUGS! It's normal to feel different this time around,and that's not a bad thing.