How much friend related travel is OK?

[HannaAddict]

If he really doesn't get it and would require actual debt to go, and you don't get a reciprocal time off at a later date to recharge, then you have every right to be annoyed. (Mine insists I do something for me too and watches the kids and makes sure it works out but he doesn't have to worry about time off as it's his firm and he works even when off!). If skip the golf trip this year and maybe the birthday. Don't see how you skip work trip, in our industry people notice if you bail on the holiday party and overnight and it isn't looked on kindly. I'm sorry, I wish he'd realize the financial implications and appreciate what you do to make sure you get some recharge time.


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[TwinFoxes]

Four trips is a lot different than two. I thought he was mentioning the golf trip to say "at least I'm not going golfing" not "and I'll be doing this too". And you hadn't mentioned the work trip (or I'd missed it.) I think it's financially irresponsible to charge that much. It's a little hard to wrap my head around that a grownup thinks it's okay. I know it's an long standing issue with you guys, I don't have a solution. But yes, four trips is a lot. The original two wouldn't bother me.

You say you never go on trips. Are you turning down opportunities because he doesn't support you going? That would piss me off. But if you've just never had an opportunity you can't hold that against him. Plan something with your friends, save up and go. It's great to recharge.

[jren]

For me, the priority on trips goes like this:
-First is family trips
-second is couple only trips
-third is work
-last is solo friend trips

I probably have one and two mixed up, but we have family that takes trips just husband and wife, then solo with their own friends, and have NEVER gone on a trip with their kids outside of camping. Kids are 13 and 10! So if we can only afford one vacation, I'll plan a family one over just me and DH. Otherwise, I feel the priority of trips above aligns with the commitments we made in our marriage vows, to our children when we decided to have them, and to work when we accepted the jobs. There is no "commitment to friends that supersedes the marriage commitment.

DH has high school friends who get together once a year in a cabin in the Poconos. They all live within an hour or two drive. We live in NC. It just doesn't make sense for him to drive 20 plus hours for a weekend trip. So he doesn't go. And they aren't coming here, or even meeting halfway in VA. So he doesn't go. DH also wants to have a family trip in the summer to a place he used to have family vacations growing up. All of his brothers go with their families and friends the same week. Sounds great! Except it's camping. Tent camping. And we'd have to drive 10 plus hours to get there. We've camped one night one time 30 minutes away. This is not a realistic trip to me! So, I guess I'm with you OP. There needs to be balance and it needs to make sense for the whole family. We've driven and spent money to go to friend weddings out of state. We never fly due to expense when the drive is less than 12 hours. I would rather fly!


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[Pear]

I would not be ok with debt for travel unless it was something huge like a sibling wedding. Even other family members wouldn't make the cut if I didn't have the money.

In general, we avoid interest accruing debt outside of our mortgage. The only things on payments are interest free purchases where it makes more sense to leave the money in our account. Luckily DH and I are on the same page on this.

If DH wants to travel and we can afford it, I absolutely would demand reciprocal time off. i wouldn't necessarily need to take a trip, but getting a break of some sort is completely reasonable. My choice might be extra time at the gym each week or signing up for a hobby related class because those interest me more.

[AnnieW625]

I am very much in the same thinking as Pear on this one.

DH and I did have a long distance relationship for the bulk of our dating lives apart (we finally spent more time together than apart just after our second anniversary) so we are very open to doing what we want and not having many issues with it unless cost is truly a factor.

Op I think you should go on your trip and your husband should go on his; imho it is healthy.


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[niccig]

I've gone on local day trips with other moms and 1 night away - a friend's family has a beach house 2 hours drive away, so I've gone there once (haven't been able to make other trips) It's lowkey, everyone takes food. Kinda doesn't compare to the 4 day golfing trip that costs over $1000. I'm not anti-friend trips, I'm anti multiple expensive trips. The friends I have can't get away for longer more expensive trips, so they don't get arranged. It's difficult enough to get a time for us to all go out to lunch together!

Sounds like the friend who's turning 50 wants both of us to go on this weekend. DH agrees that's tough because of timing (between Thanksgiving and Christmas) and DS. We both agree it's too much to ask friends to have him for a weekend in the holiday season, and we would have to pay for my sister to fly out, if she's available. The friends have older kids (17 and 15) and several family members in town their kids stay with when they go away. We have to either fly DS to MIL, fly my sister out, or take him with us. Taking him with us doesn’t seem to be an option here as they’re renting house and just inviting adults. We took DS to the wedding as we had our own hotel room and he stayed with an older teen at hotel during ceremony and reception. The rest of the time we explored local area just our family.

DH isn't sure what to do.

[robinsmommy]

Wouldn't a real friend understand the situation? With a child to deal with, expensive remodel recently, and timing of the holidays for the trip?

[twowhat?]

Well I wish my DH did travel like that. I think it is important for men to have friends and my DH doesn't have enough of them. If he suddenly wanted to go away with a bunch of them, awesome for him. I only expect him to be as supportive of me. That said, we have the finances to do it. I went away with women this summer and I just took the kids across the country to see my brother. None of these events have big impacts on our ability to save or meet our obligations. I may feel differently if it did.


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This, HOWEVER if finances are a restriction (which is sounds like it is), that's a total game changer!!! Definitely look at it in terms of what makes financial sense.