Tired of ILs BS and we haven't even made it through the holidays yet...

[icunurse]

Too much back story to even get into, but suffice it to say, we have a strained relationship with my ILs. They aren't evil, just thoughtless, play favorites, and generally not fun to be around. DH and I are treated much differently and held to different standards than his other siblings, like huge discrepancies. We have dealt with this for years and years and while it doesn't really bother DH and I anymore (we can predict how things are going to go down by now and laugh about it), we do get angry when it affects our children. And they are getting old enough to see through the BS (we do not say anything to them about ILs, but we have also started cutting back on making excuses for them).

They spent the whole summer driving almost every day to BIL house to help with a project (driving past our house to get there). Then, the one day they drive DS home from BILs house (he was helping with the project that day), DH was told how he should pick up and drop off kids at ILs. First, we didn't ask them to drive DS home. Second, we don't ask for any favors specifically because of this reason. They do not watch our kids. Our kids have been pushed aside for other grandkids (ran from DDs recital because they had a last minute request to watch niece and SIL won't find any babysitter besides her parents, who live over an hour away from her - did I mention the codependency between MIL and SIL?). They don't attend soccer games, basketball, or orchestra events. Always too busy or it's too cold out or whatever. And they live about 15 minutes from us. They missed DDs first orchestra event and DD was almost in tears afterwards about how they told her they would be there (they promise things to do and then don't follow through) and then she asked me if it was okay if she was angry at them for not being there. Broke my heart. Oh, but MILwill talk like she is at everything and knows so much about the kids. They only see my kids at holidays and extended family events. But they are in our town frequently to shop and eat and we have told them numerous times the kids would love to see them, eat out with them, etc. There is so much more, but obviously can't share all of it....

So now I had a birthday recently and I received the usual FB message from SIL. BILs wife does everything for him, so she texted me and sent pictures. Anyway, MIL usually sends a text, which is fine by me. Nothing all day. It became a joke between DH and I after a while, how they must be too busy for a text. Well, after 10pm I get a text saying how busy she was and she didn't forget, she really didn't. Um, yeah, you did, when it doesn't come until 10 at night and you both are retired and don't have hobbies (and they don't do a big Christmas with lots of presents or food, either, so they weren't out shopping or doing baking). So now I get to look forward to her on Christmas Eve insisting that she didn't forget (which she will carry on about) and giving me my $25 gift card to some place that I don't shop at (but one of her other kids does), most likely at a store where $25 gets you nothing.

And I'm just tired of it all. My family wasn't perfect, but you could tease each other or call each other out. ILs you walk on eggshells. So DH and I are already putting a time limit on this thing and resting up to deal with it. Because I'd love to call them out and tell them how I really feel. Not even in a mean way, but in a civil discussion. But anything that isn't fluffy and positive is majorly mean in my ILs eyes. So, I just sit and pretend to have fun and then we run. Even BILs wife has seen how we are treated differently and is taken aback by it, so I feel a little justified with that (that it isn't just in our heads). I'm just getting too old, tired, and fed up to keep playing the BS game....that's what it comes down to.

And all of this just makes me miss my family more. Again, they weren't perfect, but, man, they look good in comparison....

[newnana]

Big hugs. It sucks. I hear ya. For us it's both of our families, but especially my mom. Like you, DH and I are on the same page which makes it bearable. Our parents like the idea of a granddaughter and to be able to put on the good show about being there and how proud they are of her, but when it comes to actually being there for her or listening to a word she says? Forget it. To the point they criticize her homemade gifts. Uh, whuck? You're granddaughter was learning how to use a sewing machine for the first time and her first thought was she should make something for YOU and you tell her how it could have been better without once saying thanks. Sorry gram, gotta go.

Best I can offer on the GC to something you won't use is resell it so you at least have some money for something else. Or hand it to SIL right in front of MIL "I think this was meant for you", cuz what the heck, playing nice doesn't help.

When the opportunity to move many states away presented itself and we were torn, we were lucky enough to have DD's birthday. Both sets of grandparents told her they'd be there, neither set showed up and broke her heart at an age when DD was acutely aware of the injustices building. It sent our decision flying over to the move side of the coin. It's been almost 5 years and we've never been happier.

Hang in there. Sometimes family sucks the life right out of you.

[belovedgandp]

So sorry.

My ILS are exactly the same. Take comfort in being of the same mind as DH. We are fortunate to live 3 hours away. The BIL I like is in the same town and gets the inequity. The only game MIL went to for his son were the times the favored grandson played the other grandson. The high schools are 20 minutes apart. BIL got completely fed up about 5 years ago when his boys were early teenagers. He cut everyone off completely for a few years. I couldn't blame him, but selfishly it did make our visits into town more difficult. He's come around but turned off his filter. I don't know how it is all going to shake out. I'm enjoying the entertainment of some of his comments.

[icunurse]

Thanks. It's just nice to vent lol My MIL has the martyr complex (again, she will keep mentioning that she didn't forget my bday until I finally just end up giving in because I don't want to deal anymore) and the grandparent of the year act drives me nuts. Plus BIL and his wife get away with everything because they play neutral (BIL is the baby and they also just had kids, so their time will probably come, too..and they will probably give in to stay neutral), SIL and her husband messes and the ILs pander to them, so SIL will never be independent or responsible. And then there is us...who ask for nothing, have kids who still adore them and encourage them to spend time together, fully independent....and nothing. I feel like I am tensing up before the holiday and I hate that.

I give the GCs away and donate the cheap bath products (that she knows I can't use because of skin issues. Oh, she will probably also put peppers on top of everything, despite knowing that I am allergic to peppers. It happens).

And I have been telling DH for months that I am running out of f@cks to give with people, so the filter is thinning out. You can be respectful, but also not be a doormat.

Comforted, but saddened, that I'm not alone....

[StantonHyde]

I just kept drawing tighter and tighter boundaries with my dad. I am now down to 3 visits a year (including Christmas). And those visits are only 2-3 hours in length. I won't drive there, they can drive here. etc. I can't change him and I want my kids to know him. But now they are teens, they get it. They see it. And they don't want to spend time with him. This is all his doing.

So--yes, to keeping the visit short. Lots of "pass the bean dip". And just keep moving out of range. Then get the hell out of there. My brother had brunch with my dad and his girlfriend a few weeks ago and he said that his family said their goodbyes and then they all got in car and breathed a sigh of relief. "made it through that one, there goes 2 hours of my life I'll never get back, moving on".

You are not alone. The only way to manage is to limit exposure.

[HannaAddict]

I really think it is a more selfish generation that are grandparents right now. And many of us were older when we had kids so the grandparents are older and more set in their ways and less flexible (and maybe why they are more selfish). We are less susceptible to buying into their older, often outdated opinions. I see so many grumpy and just not very tolerant grandparents out and about and it is really sad. I’m almost as old as my grandmother would have been when I was a kid, so very different place than a 70 year old who watches Fox News all day. Hang in there, no fun and totally hear you on being okay with it yourself but mama bear when they don’t treat your kids well.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hellokitty]

Wow, it's almost like we're all talking about the same person, a mash up of dysfunctional grandparents. We've got the same problems with both sets of parents on our side, particularly one grandparent per side who has always been difficult and of course only getting even more unbearable with age. And the co-dependent spouse that just basically enables the crappy behavior. Both sets have had oppotunities to get to know their grandkids and both sets have chosen not do anything about it. Yet they whine as if it's our fault, but also love this pretense that they have a close relationship with us and our kids, even though that's completely warped. It's all for their own ego.

[HannaAddict]

Wow, it's almost like we're all talking about the same person, a mash up of dysfunctional grandparents. We've got the same problems with both sets of parents on our side, particularly one grandparent per side who has always been difficult and of course only getting even more unbearable with age. And the co-dependent spouse that just basically enables the crappy behavior. Both sets have had oppotunities to get to know their grandkids and both sets have chosen not do anything about it. Yet they whine as if it's our fault, but also love this pretense that they have a close relationship with us and our kids, even though that's completely warped. It's all for their own ego.

You hit the nail on the head with how they “love the pretense that they have a close relationship” when it is anything but. That really resonated. My mom would have been a great grandmother, but sadly died very suddenly when I was in my early twenties. My kids love their great-grandma (my mom’s mom) and it will be a sad day when she passes. For my in-laws it is really all about them and very little actual relationship but want to brag even though they have zero to do with the kids and how they turned out. More like in spite of them.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AnnieW625]

I could’ve written the op’s exact first paragraph and probably have at times. Lots of hugs to you and your family as no one deserves to be treated like that. My in laws are 71, and 69 and have been retired for almost 15 years, and they watch a lot of news, but their ability to play favorites has gone on longer than having grand kids, but since bil had kids they have learned how to be around kids as compared to when Dd1 was born they didn’t know what to don whatsoever and were very icy around Dd1 and she sensed it even at he young age of 2-3. My parents only have two grandkids (my kids) and my mom is the atypical grandma, but has done things to tick me off as well that could almost be some sort of favoritism, but just with me and not my kids (but that is a whole other post).

HannaAddicts’s point about grandparents being older these days is interesting. My paternal grandma is only 48 yrs. older than I am and when she turned 70 and honestly looked more like early to mid 60s and I was 22 people thought I was her daughter. My paternal grandparents were 21 and 25 when my dad was born (and my dad was 26 when I was born). My maternal grandma turned 82 the year I was 22 and there was no mistaking that she was my grandma. I am pretty sure there are families where there is at least one set of younger grandparents. I actually think that our kids kids will have older grandparents; my bil is 48 and has a 7 and a 4 year old; a good friend of mine had her third at 44 (almost 45) in 2016. Another friend who turned 50 this year is in the process of adopting her 5 year old foster sons who are almost 6 (she has 3 older kids who are 27, 24, and 15) so she will be a younger grandma, but will also be an older grandma if she is alive when her adopted kids have kids.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[StantonHyde]

I don't think its a function of age. You really are as young at heart as you want to be. Some people want to be around and involved with kids. Other people don't. My mom was all about the kids. My dad-all about himself. That would be the same, no matter the age. At 52, I am more active than many of the other moms at my daughter's school. DD will say, "you're not old, you do triathlons!". I know older people who delight in youngsters. The key is to stay involved in life--volunteer after you retire, read widely, stay active. That is what keeps you young. At least, that's my plan since I will most likely be 70 when I get to be a grandparent.